


Loves Me, Loves Me Not

by SexySpoonsWillRuleUsAll (dainochild)



Category: Death Note
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, M/M, and yes this is a troll fic, but i know it's bound to be full of misogynistic homophobic and transphobic stupidity, i dont remember everything that's in this fic, it's only here by Request for my full fic archive showing all the hell and sin i've unleashed, old fic from the Dark Ages of 2008, that's how bad it is, this is from when 4ch was cool guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-09
Updated: 2008-12-18
Packaged: 2018-04-20 01:50:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 47,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4769048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dainochild/pseuds/SexySpoonsWillRuleUsAll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>L is too addicted to yaoi to investigate Kira. So, who does he send in his place? Mello and Near, of course! But the catch is, they both need to work together as L – while he watches, for the yaoi. How will things turn out, Kira VS two prodigies of 15 and 13?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Start

**Author's Note:**

> I'm archiving this for meme purposes to show friends, to make a point about how terrible I used to be, so, take it with a grain of salt & my embarrassment AND regret.
> 
> btw there's rape jokes & self-harm/suicide jokes throughout this to cope with what was going on in my person life at that time (read as: rape, self-harm & suicide attempts) so that's. bleak & cringe-inducing. SIGHS. so much regret.

Common knowledge at Wammy's House was who was ranked where. Being an orphanage for geniuses to rival each other in the name of becoming L, it wasn't a very friendly atmosphere. Rather than being told the beauty of friendship, love, and empathy, they were told the glories of wealth, self-preservation, competition, and, most of all, L. It was a dog eat dog world, but Wammy's House was more savage than anything on the outside.

The best and brightest of Wammy's House was a pale, white-haired boy, best described as an anti-social freak. As with all the orphans, his true name was unknown – the name he used was Near. Everywhere, awed whispers of Near's triumphs echoes. He was a genius, he was cute, he was practically Clark Kent from all the attention. The only one who could see through the façade was the second best – Mello, the hero of this tale.

Mello was bright – he matched Near's intellect almost perfectly. Likewise, Mello was admired, but in a more intimate manner. Near was untouchable, but Mello was the opposite. Everyone wanted his secrets for study, to hang around him, so they felt one step closer to L.

Sadly, Mello didn't want their desperate attention. When he was storming around Wammy's wearing black leather, chocolate in one hand, gun in the other, prayers were sent to any who tried approaching. They all did once. When the preteens had nightmares, they called in Mello. One look at him sent the monsters running. You have to wonder why, considering how bloody effeminate and blonde he is, but that's how it works out. Only two people weren't scared of Mello – L, of course, and Near.

After who was ranked where, the hatred between Mello and Near was the closest thing to playground gossip. At any time, you could start listening mid-rant and know Mello was bad-mouthing his rival. Robot, albino, freak, inhuman – these four words were his favourite adjectives. When asked of the matter, Near would simply shrug and press pieces of his pure white puzzle together. His indifference doubled Mello's rage, which in turn encouraged Near to ignore him. It was terrible chemistry, and one day, they were going to explode – most likely taking Wammy's House with them.

Mello was going to become L. There was no question about it. Near could try, but one day, he would fail, and fail miserably. Out of the ruins, Mello would emerge, the perfect candidate. To get there, he just might have to bend a few rules.

"Fuck dammit Matt, can't you do it any faster?!"

Rolling his eyes, the red-head's fingers danced over the laptop's keys. Hidden in the storage basement, illuminated only by the screen's glow, he worked on hacking the passwords and firewalls.

"We don't know when Watari's gonna notice it's gone!" Mello added, belting his loyal sidekick.

"Chill, Mels. It's only gonna take longer if you keep yelling," Matt replied, eyes narrowed behind his goggles. "Shut up and each your chocolate."

Scowling, Mello ripped the foil away, taking a nervous bite. It was a stupid move, hacking into Watari's computer. But it was inevitably easier to crack Watari's than L's, and he needed confirmation. The old man was brilliant, yes, but he was kind-hearted and trusting. If there was anywhere his security would lax, it was his own home. Sucks for him that that home was filled with genius orphans desperately competing to do his legacy proud.

"Got it," Matt announced victoriously. "There ain't no computer on Earth I can't hack, and the aliens only get so long."

"Isn't, moron," the blonde corrected testily. "Check the itinerary. See if he's headed for Japan."

Dumbfounded, Matt nodded, obeying without question. That was exactly what Mello liked about Matt. No questions until after. "Yeah, going in three days… but they only just got here!"

Smirking, Mello swallowed his mouthful. "I was right! Get off that computer now, Matt."

"Um… okay… what's going on?"

Containing his excitement with a hunk of chocolate, Mello started to explain. "Kira. You know, that new mass murderer all the Japanese've been raving about online?"

"Oh yeah, sexyteenagewasteland mentioned it. Mass murderer, right? Using heart-attacks or something?"

"Yeah, exactly," pausing for effect, he ripped another sliver of silver from his chocolate. "Think about it – the only places reporting this are Japan and America, right? There've been a few Kira killings around London, but think about it. Most of the world's media comes from America – and Japan has a very exclusive media. The fact that they seem to have the most interest and deaths caused by this Kira asshole means they'd get the most reports, right? So Kira's Japanese, isn't he?"

Nodding slowly, Matt glanced cautiously out the door. "Makes sense, but it's a pretty big assumption to make."

"Sometimes you have'ta assume to get anywhere, idiot." Shoving him out of the way, Mello headed off to his room. Matt would return Watari's laptop, and take the blame if caught.

L was going to Japan. There was no question about him investigating Kira – the case was fascinating. Well, he wasn't the only one wanting to get to the bottom of this. Mello was going too. His mind was made up.

Prepare for the worst, L.

Midnight was the perfect time to sneak anywhere – or so criminals often believed. Mello, on the other hand, believed three a.m. was best. Not in terms of breaking out of the orphanage to sneak into town and get drunk, but definitely in terms of running away to Japan to catch a moron mass murderer with a god-complex.

Okay, yeah, it was extremely arrogant to assume he could surpass L at fifteen in a completely unfamiliar setting, but he wasn't getting any closer wasting his time here. No, he was going to go out and get what he wanted.

As he tip-toed past the playroom, Mello was struck with a heavy urge. It involved a certain white puzzle and a box of matches. That could burn down the entire mansion, but there was something he could do. He could take several pieces, thus rendering Near's efforts fruitless. First he loses parts of his precious, attention-consuming puzzle, and then he loses his possible title! It was insult to injury! Maybe Near would even make an expression! The idea was way too appealing to resist now.

Cackling silently to himself, Mello opened the door – with his hand rather than the usual foot. Moonlight pooled on the tiled floor, making Mello feel completely conspicuous. He was black in a world of white. Typical, really… white just had to be the colour associated with perfection. It just had to be the colour of Near. And Near just had to be sitting there, blending in with the perfect white light.

"Dammit… what the hell are you doing here?!" he hissed, desperately suppressing his fury. He couldn't be caught now, not when he was so close to catching L.

Pressing two pieces of the adored puzzle together, the white-haired boy set them in place. Growling, Mello pressed a hand to his head. All the white was making him dizzy.

"I suspected you would pull a stunt like this," Near finally replied.

"As if you know anything," Mello growled, stepping closer. He was so desperate to wrap his hands around the ivory throat. To force Near to show him emotions… there was barely a sweeter victory.

"In future perhaps it would be wise to restrain from discussing your plans so loudly," his rival replied, ever nonchalant.

"Goddammit, would you _shut up_? It's not my fault you're a creepy stalker!"

"So Mello continues to make unreasonable accusations to satisfy his rage," his rival sighed.

"Can it, creep," the blonde snarled, pulling his gun from the front of his pants. With an elegant twirl, he took aim at Near's bowed head. "Or do you wanna have your brain splattered all over that fucking puzzle?"

"I confess, that is not an event I desire," was the deadpan reply. "However, Mello will not shoot me. He never does. I'm fairly certain he never will."

Growling as the rage within him boiled, Mello's hand clenched desperately around the gun. He wanted to fire so badly. There was nothing he despised more than this condescending freak who refused to surrender his façade of perfection. How sweet it would be to squeeze the life from his rival, to hear Near begging and pleading… wait, that sounded kinda… kinky.

_'Go on, kiss him,_ a voice in the back of Mello's mind insisted. It sounded oddly like Matt. _'It'd be like taking on a Lv. 4 Pidgey with a Lv. 100 Jolteon. You would_ totally _pwn!'_

It was tempting. This idea, it was utterly brilliant – Near wouldn't know anything about sexual things! To be honest, Mello didn't have much experience, but there was much competition in regards to his virginity. This was an area Mello would excel in whilst Near would fail.

"Mello should stop stealing Watari's guns."

That voice could only belong to one person. Gasping, Mello leapt away from Near, whirling around to face his idol. As an afterthought, he hid the gun behind his back, pouting innocently. L was a sucker for cute faces, or so the blonde insisted.

To look at L, you wouldn't suspect that he was the world's top three detectives. Actually, you would probably wrap an arm kindly around the speaker's shoulder, offering to drive them back to the funny farm. Dishevelled and ghostly pale, you would swear he was dead, or a basement dweller. Actually, L's room was the basement of Wammy's, and he was always at a computer…

"A-actually, I bought this one," Mello assured nervously. As much as he admired L, he couldn't help but act completely out-of-character around him. It was like a schoolgirl crush, Matt often said, and then ran like hell.

"You are fifteen. How did you purchase firearms?" L pressed, almost mockingly. No, L wouldn't mock him. It was Near's fault.

"…I wasn't gonna shoot, so what's it matter?"

"I told you so."

"MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMMIT NEAR!" Mello roared, raising his weapon. Sighing, Near sent him a bored look. Oh that son of a - !

Bringing his thumb to his mouth, L studied the two rivals with a gleam of inspiration in his eyes. "Mello, Near. Please stop," the detective requested as he calmly approached. Grumbling, Mello shoved his gun back down his pants. "It is my desire for you both to get along," he paused, considering his words, "as I enjoy yaoi."

Yowie? Wasn't that a mythological version of Big Foot originating in Australia? L enjoys big hairy monsters? What?

"I too enjoy yaoi," Near confessed, twirling a tendril of hair.

"I don't know what yowies have to do with _anything_ ," the confused blonde replied hotly, "but there's no way I could ever get along with **_HIM_**!"

"Please keep your Catholic opinions to yourself," L replied icily.

Jaw dropping, Mello actually cease to speak. Both detective and possible successor sent him stunned looks, before shrugging it off and discussing how 'kawaii desu' yowies were.

"Edvy is one I enjoy."

"I enjoy Edvy also," L replied proudly. Mello hadn't understood a single verb or noun in their entire conversation. Seme? Uke? What in the hell? "You two should be in your bedrooms. Or a bedroom."

"Mello was sneaking out," Near said, piling the puzzle pieces atop the frame, "it was my aim to stop him."

"I wasn't - !"

"What was your goal, Mello?"

It wasn't fair. Everyone took Near's side, and now L was too! Growling, the blonde was forced to reply honestly. L always knew.

"I wanna work on the Kira Case," he announced boisterously. Near would never have the guts to pursue a case like the Kira one. "So can I?"

"No."

Cursing under his breath, Mello put his genius mind to work. The two most likely to succeed L spent a fair time in his presence, to learn his tricks. It had been the case with A and BB before Near and Mello, and it was the case now. Perhaps L was feeling guilty, knowing this environment was driving teenagers to suicide and mass murder. It was worth considering. Right now, Mello needed to exploit L's greatest weakness, and he knew just how.

"I'll give you my chocolate stash," the blonde offered.

L perked. "Yes."

Cheering at the top of his lungs, the leather-clad soon-to-be-successor stuck his tongue out at the rejected all-white brat. "In your face! I told you I'd win! But did you listen? No! You played with that goddamn puzzle, and I'm gonna burn those pieces of crap now!"

"There is one more condition," the detective interrupted, just as Mello reached for the matches. "Near must go as well. You will both work together to catch Kira. I shall investigate the yaoi."

For the second time that night, Mello's jaw dropped, incapable of forming words. Dropping his puzzle into a box, Near curled his hair in response.

_'Told ya to kiss 'im.'_


	2. You Oughta Know

It was, once again, all Near's fault. Mello said this daily, especially in regard to global warming and cancer, but this time, it really was Near's fault. Being such a perfect asshole, Near just had to suck up to L with those yowies. What the hell? He was investigating Kira just because he liked some bush monsters! No fair, Mello had to give up _all_ his chocolate for that right!

When furious, there was one thing to do, even at four a.m. – take advantage of Matt's constant enthusiasm for everything blonde, bitchy, and chocolate-obsessed. Unfortunately, Matt was at that awkward age in a boy's life where he wanted sex, bad. Didn't matter where from. Just wanted it. Mello tried to force him to control his hormones, but for some reason, guns don't work too well on horny WoW addicts. No, Matt was enthusiastic about everything. It was just his enthusiasm in regards to sex that was extremely creepy.

"Wake the hell up, Matt!" the blonde growled, flicking him between the eyes. Matt was almost impossible to recognise without the goggles. Mello was gonna have to give him a collar.

With a groan, an arm reached out, clumsily pulling Mello against his BFFL's chest. As he reached for his treasured gun, he found himself restrained by the redhead's wandering hands.

"GETOFFDON'TTOUCHMEQUITTOUCHINGGETOFFGETOFFGETOFF!"

This enthusiasm was something Mello could never get used to.

"Aww, I thought I wouldn't have to rape your ass," the redhead replied through a yawn.

Drawing his gun, Mello sent the would-be rapist his most poisonous glare. "Get. Your. Hands. Offa. Me. Before. I. Shoot. Them. Off."

Reluctantly withdrawing his touch, Matt muttered bitterly. "No use showing you affection…"

"Rape isn't affection," the blonde snorted.

"Porn and I disagree," Matt countered, smirking. He played with a tendril of fair hair, to Mello's annoyance. "If you don't want sex, why're you here?"

"HANDS AWAY FROM THERE!"

Matt didn't really mean it, and Mello knew it. When the sun was down, the game freak went into a frenzy. It was horrifying, and extremely off putting. Maybe if Matt was quieter, calmer, and more monotone… Dangerous line of thought. Mello needed to distract himself, and soon.

"L's given me the Kira case to solve," Mello announced, tenser than he intended. It felt like his spine had been replaced by a steel pole. "He's supervising, I think, but it's my job to catch that bastard!"

"Sweet. So do I get your virginity before you go?"

Growling, Mello buried his face in Matt's pillow. _Boys_ , he thought bitterly. _Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em._ It soon struck how gay that thought was, and he couldn't hold back a scream of frustration.

"Whoa, chill, Mels! The hell's wrong with you?" the self-proclaimed Game King cried, placing his hands innocently on his friend's shoulders. Matt making an innocent gesture – he really must have been worried.

"Near's going too," Mello growled, clenching his fists so tightly he was amazed his skin didn't tear. "We have to work _together_. In the name of _justice_ and motherfuckin' _yowies_. Bush monsters! What the fuck, _hairy fucking Australians_?!"

Sorely tempted to ask if that was it, Matt decided to go for the subtle comforting root. "Could be worse. You could be teaming up with Sephiroth."

"Who the…? Fuck it. I'll fucking kick Near's ass, I'll tell L who Kira is first! Then he'll see that _I'm_ the perfect successor, not that goddamn robot!" Bringing a bar of chocolate to his lips, Mello roughly snapped a chunk off. It was twice as satisfying as usual, given his little game of pretend. The chocolate was Near, and Near was being crushed and snapped by Mello's teeth, screaming and begging, and like hell Mello would have mercy. No, he would keep going, biting and tasting Near until there was nothing left.

_'That sounds so kinky,'_ the voice provided lustfully. _'Go for it. Beat that shrimp into submission. Make him beg, make him scream your name.'_

"SHUT UP MATT!"

"I didn't say anything!"

"I have never travelled on a plane before," Near observed, twirling his hair. How could someone so nonchalant have such an effeminate habit? Wasn't it some kind of law that gays had to be flamboyant and wear tight clothes? …not that Mello was gay, of course. Just a little curious. But wasn't everyone? If they weren't, they weren't normal in Mello's books.

They were at the airport, having bid Wammy's House goodbye. Mello and Near were subjected to brutal envy, but Mello was used to that. It was a natural part of being the sexiest thing since sex. Now, having a backpack full of chocolate (bought at the departure lounge, as L had taken the massive hidden stash) and leaving his gun in the care of his idol, Mello was ready to once again face the terror known as Heathrow Airport.

It had been ten years since Mello's last encounter with the dreaded dull airport. His departure from orphan life in Germany was nothing special, but the crowded London airport was another thing all together. People were _everywhere_. This didn't encourage the staff to be faster about their jobs, as being a sardonic sadist was part of the job description. There was nothing wrong with this. The true terror lay in having been forced to hold Watari's hand.

Shuddering at the memory, Mello sent L a sceptical look. It wouldn't be bad to be forced to hold L's hand. Actually… they were long and thin, extremely bony. Maybe it would hurt. His eyes scanned over Near's hands, clenched around an Optimus Prime toy. Pale and soft. Maybe as soft as a feather. The only was to know was to reach out and gra –

Oh fuck no!

What was wrong with him?! Mello was tough and rough. He could make a gangsta cry, and had done so to prove it. Rough and tough guys who can make anyone do anything do _not_ get all cutesy and lovey-dovey over their goddamn rivals! Mello hated Near! He was inches away from pulling a B, that's how insane Near drove him!

_'Yeah, insane for teh cock, amirite?'_

"It is a waste of sugar to crush that chocolate like that," L observed mournfully. Still growling and twitching, the blonde loosened his iron grip.

It was a wonder they were allowed to board the plane, what with Mello's I'll-rip-your-spleen-out-with-my-bare-teeth aura. Rather than question their VIP guests, the attendants led them to their first-class seats and avoided them like the plague. L's infamous manner of sitting and Near's half-assed fanboy attempt to copy it only freaked them out more. At least that blonde one was pretty and psychotic, and could have simply been some kind of bitchy model. The other two were simply beyond words. Cute, but weird.

Fidgeting in boredom five chocolate bars later, Mello sent his idol an apprehensive look. What had L already figured? Where was Watari? Why were yowies more important than Kira? He wouldn't figure anything out, just sitting here staring.

"L," he called, without the restraint of respect, "what do you know so far?"

Optimus Prime faltered inches from collision with Megatron. Sending his protégée a mildly amused look, L brought his thumb to his mouth. "Please refer to me as 'Ryuuzaki' while we work on this case," he requested.

A flicker of understanding flashed through the blonde, but his gaze didn't falter with the sympathy. BB was a moron. He hadn't been good enough to be L's successor anyway. Only Mello could fill the position properly. Soon, L would see that.

"Where do you suspect Kira is based?" the detective continued, like nothing tragic had ever occurred.

"Japan," Mello replied. "Not just 'cos that's where we're going, but 'cos most of the deaths've occurred there, right? And it's not like someone who wasn't Japanese would have that kinda access to their media."

L's obsidian eyes flashed. "Ah, but you had access to the Japanese media, and you're definitely not Japanese. What if Kira is a linguistic expert like yourself, and attempted to cover his tracks in that manner?"

Dumbfounded, Mello shrugged. He hadn't even considered that. It was far too exciting to have narrowed down the possibilities from billions to mere millions. How could he have been so foolish as to not even consider any other possibilities? It could've spelt death.

"I shall confess, Mello, that I reached that suspicion in the same manner you did," the candy-loving investigator continued. "However, with my resources at ICPO, I set up an experiment – a live broadcast played only in the Kanto region of Japan." Kanto? Mello seemed to recall Kanto being the most populated of Japan's regions. "An American prisoner on death row acted in my place, provoking Kira to kill with accusations." The thumb dragged L's lower lip down, revealing slightly stained teeth. "It seems Kira can kill without being at the scene of the crime. After the prisoner died, I provoked Kira to kill me. No success. I suspect Kira needs to see one's face to kill, quite possibly requiring their name as well. Naturally, since Lind L. Tailor was murdered, Kira is currently in Japan – most likely Tokyo."

It seemed flawlessly brilliant, just like any of L's plans. Mello was struck with a pang of envy. What he wouldn't give to have that power…

"However, it is Mello and Near's jobs to continue from there," L deadpanned, turning away from the blonde. "Yaoi is far more interesting than Kira. Kira has become quite boring in comparison."

"I understand," Near said, studying his Transformers closely. He didn't seem to want them to fight any more. Mello frowned in confusion. Optimus Prime and Megatron were mortal enemies, both fighting for the position of ruler. There was absolutely no way they could ever get along.

"You will begin investigating in thirty hours," L announced suddenly. "I suggest you prepare wisely."

No, Optimus Prime and Megatron were too different and too proud to get along. Just like Mello and Near.

What Mello doesn't know of are the many truces between Optimus Prime and Megatron, leading to incredibly swift and powerful victories. He doesn't know how much better life could well have been if they had simply stopped fighting and set their differences aside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck this makes it sound like i shipped optimus/megatron when i was 16 was i actually that stupid
> 
> wait this fic exists so clearly yes


	3. Lock

Eccentric billionaires were the best people to be adopted by. Plain and simple. Who else could afford that much chocolate? It seemed Watari was even richer and even crazier than Mello had thought. Rather than rent a bunch of Tokyo hotel rooms and switch hotel every week, he had bought an entire hotel and had it renovated to suit their needs. There was even a prison, Mello noted with a sadistic smirk.

_'Yes, that's right. Lock little Neary up. Chain 'im and whip 'im.'_

That damn voice needed to get lost.

They occupied three stories towards the top of the hotel. One was kept as it had been, with the suites perfectly intact. L took over the largest room on this floor, refusing to budge. Mello wasn't surprised to find screens, showing L would be watching their every move. Even their bedrooms, sickly enough. Another contained the cold steel prison, with cameras watching every angle. Across from this was the server room, where Watari soon set up his dozens or computers and work base. Finally, on the top storey, they had what was to be investigation headquarters. Rather tastelessly decorated, but full of laptops, chocolate and cake, it was the main surveillance point for the hotel's cameras. The bedrooms weren't included, the blonde noted wryly.

Near soon made himself at home, taking out his army of Transformers. For some reason, it seemed to be everyone versus Starscream. Considering what he knew about Transformers, Mello had to say it seemed pretty accurate, but he couldn't get his head around Optimus Prime and Megatron working together.

Scrolling through data on the screen, Mello sent a sceptical look to the pale freak. "This is real, jackass, so put the damn toys away. I'm not doing all the work."

"We have to wait for the investigation team to call before getting in too deeply," Near replied, turning Starscream into a plane faster than Mello could blink. "Otherwise you shall get in too deep and will refuse to change your opinion."

" _I'll_ get in too deep? Fuck you, Near! Quit lecturing like you're so brilliant and I'm a failure!"

"Yes, please do," L's static-mangled voice requested.

As Near opened his mouth to reply, a capital W in Old English Five popped onto the communication laptop. "L, the investigation team are ready to present their report."

Diving for the microphone, Mello activated the butchered voice of L and switched to speaking Japanese. "Go on."

The voice that answered was boring and droning. Even Near was more interesting, twisting his hair in that effeminate manner. Nonetheless, Mello was acting as L now. He had to listen.

"Monday through Friday, all the murders considered to have been committed by Kira occurred between four p.m. and two a.m., Japanese time. Weekends and holidays see it becoming between eleven a.m. and into the middle of the night. These times are more inconsistent."

Rolling his eyes, Mello snapped a piece of chocolate off. "Sounds like Kira's a teenager."

"I do not know this for certain, however," Near piped up. It must've sounded weird to the Japanese police, the same voice speaking in such different manners.

"Ah, yes," a bold voice cut in. The chief, Mello found himself suspecting. But of course having suspicions was pure evil, goddamn Near… "Does anyone else have anything to add? Yes, Matsuda?"

"I don't mean to praise Kira, but… in the past few days, crime in Japan especially has been lowered by a lot," a happy-go-lucky voice said cautiously.

Rolling his eyes, Mello glared at the computer. "That's 'cos people're getting scared. It won't last. Think of Kira as Hitler. He's trying to rule through fear – how d'you think people'll take that?"

A long silence followed.

"Thank you," Near said, stepping closer to the microphone. "I believe we are finally getting close. However, before I leave, I need you to carefully analyse the Japanese media's showing of the criminals who were murdered. Did they show their faces?"

Another silence. Mello wondered how thick these people were.

"That is all. Farewell," Near concluded, clicking the disconnect icon. His eyes fixed coldly on the blonde. "Please be careful of sharing your opinion, Mello."

Growling, Mello clenched his fists. "You sayin' I'm wrong? You were thinking it too, don't lie!"

"I will not deny that I share your suspicion," he continued in that annoyingly calm tone. "However, I am also suspicious of the Japanese investigation team. We cannot rule out the possibility of Kira being among them."

"No shit," Mello replied, crunching chocolate between his teeth thoughtfully. He needed to cover his tracks, with something smart and smooth, claiming he had always planned it. "But now if Kira's pattern changes, we can logically say he's one of 'em. Or at least, one of them're leaking info to Kira."

"You only just made that up."

"…goddammit, Near, shut the fuck up!"

"Regardless, it is a good plan, given our current situation," Near added rather than shutting up. "But Mello, we are supposed to work together on this. That means letting each other know our plans."

Trembling, Mello narrowed his eyes in fury. There Near went again, with the superior act. Such an arrogant bastard…

_'Tie him up. You know you want to. Handcuff him to your bed and cover him in chocolate, then – '_

"Fuck you," Mello snarled, shoving Near to the ground. "Don't you tell me what to do!" He scanned over the fallen boy, before storming out the door.

 _'YOU IDIOT! That was as melodramatic as_ Final Fantasy X-2 _, and not even half as hot! GET BACK IN THERE AND FUCK HIM!'_

Growling, Mello slumped against the elevator door. The image of Near spread across the floor, showing the tiniest spark of shock, refused to leave. It was almost frightening, but he found himself agreeing with Matt's voice. He was getting desperate to show Near who was really in charge, that was all. These thoughts didn't mean anything.

Being the genius he was, Mello could see through even his own denial.

Japanese chocolate was shit. One bar of the thin, low-cocoa crap was more than enough. Mello was never, ever wasting 400 yen on it again. Screw the risk of being tracked – he was going to need chocolate _badly_ if he was gonna work with Near.

After storming around Tokyo violently, Mello had finally accepted that there was no way out of working with Near, short of murder. If he did murder his rival, L would show no hesitation in locking him behind bars. L was justice like that. So it made sense to solve the case as quickly as possible, before Near's arrogance got himself killed.

_'Yeah, death through sex! That's how Cloud should've handled Sephiroth.'_

"Fuck up, Matt," he growled. A young woman sent him a frightened look. "Me baka gaijin," Mello hissed, being sure to use his worst pronunciation. The woman scurried around fearfully.

In all honesty, Mello was extremely curious to see how the Japanese public viewed Kira – especially those his age. Whenever there was a Wammy holiday to a foreign country, Mello would inevitably sneak off with Matt, mingling so well with the locals Roger never knew where to look. On the last night, he would always come back, with a dozen families under the charm of 'that pretty German boy'. Unless they said girl, then they discovered Mello's brutality and shuddered whenever they saw a blonde hair.

Point being, Mello didn't want to face that arrogant asshole, and there couldn't be any harm in being social. Just because L was scared of it didn't always mean it was bad. Broccoli was evidence of this.

Following the subway to Shibuya, Mello readied himself to be freaked out. He'd heard that all the insane teenagers hung out at Shibuya, with their faces covered in piercings and chained to one another. Violent rebels and quite possibly try-hard Yakuza hung out there. It was the punk-rock hang out of the world.

Mello would fit right in.

Sending glares that would make Al Capone cry, the blonde strutted his way through Shibuya like he owned the place. As it turned out, the place was almost nothing like its reputation. Brightly lit and bringing strong reminders of Hello Kitty, any attempts to look gothic were lost in masses of cherry red and baby pink. Mello really did own the place, as he had a gun in his pants and was actually scary.

 _What a disappointment_ , the blonde thought as he scanned the endless stores of goth/loli. _There isn't even real leather._ _There goes a gang-fight…_

Two bright red katakana caught Mello's eye, spray-painted under the name of an internet café. Kira, they formed – clearly a sign of adoration. Curiosity tweeked, Mello entered.

Wow. There were computers, and lounges. How unexpected. Rolling his eyes at the red and orange décor, Mello mimed eating chocolate. If he couldn't have the real thing, he'd at least have the action.

_'Action with Near, eh? Eh? Amirite?'_

That one was just pathetic.

"Welcome to our establishment!" a chirpy voice called from behind the yellow counter.

These Japanese, always so over-polite.

"Ohhh! You're a foreigner! An American, right? You've gotta be, you're blonde! Wow! Neat!" the girl cried hyperactively. Imitating Near's blank look, Mello studied her. As expected, she had dark brown eyes and black hair, held back in a clumsy ponytail. But she looked about twelve… he'd heard the Japanese liked 'em young, but not _that_ young. It made him fear for Near's vir –

_STOP THAT._

"I'm German, actually," he corrected her smoothly, being sure to match her casual manner speech.

"Wow, that's almost as cool!" she gushed, gazing adoringly into Mello's eyes. "So blue…"

_'Note to Mels; you're gayer than Gary Oak looking at Ash Ketchum. DO NOT PICK UP.'_

"Cut that out, it's creepy," he ordered bluntly.

"Oops! Sorry! I just don't see many foreigners!" Did anything cut this girl's hyperactivity? "I'm Yagami Sayu! Um, Sayu Yagami…? Sayu's my given name!"

"Mello," he responded, scanning his memory. The name seemed familiar… for the sake of safety, he subtly pulled his mobile phone out, speed-dialling Near's. Sayu was too lost in his eyes to notice. "What's with the Kira thing outside? Seems kinda sudden to idolise false gods."

Leaning forward, Sayu nodded enthusiastically. "I know! I'm so glad someone else my age is anti-Kira – he's just a murderer!"

"Definitely," Mello agreed, practically cooing. This girl clearly had a thing for him, or just blondes in general. "Are you the only one you know who's anti-Kira?"

"Nuh-uh! My mum's against him, and my dad's _really_ against Kira, 'cos he's a police officer," the girl babbled, blushing faintly. Girls were so easy to predict. "I wasn't _completely_ sure about my big brother, but then when Dad mentioned a dangerous criminal being a high school student, no duh he meant Kira, Raito went off to investigate on his own! Big bro's a genius, I'm sure he and my dad'll catch Kira in no time!"

Perfect. Hanging up the phone, Mello slipped it back into his pocket.

"That's good to hear," he said softly. "I'm going to be living here in Japan for a while, I don't want Kira ruining my education."

"Hehe, you sound like Raito!" she giggled nervously. "He's headed to university soon! But you don't look old enough to go that far."

"Guess I'm not," Mello replied with a wry smile. "Nice talking to you, Sayu."

"Hey! Let's trade phone numbers!" the hyper girl proclaimed gleefully. Urgh, Mello didn't think he could tolerate this for much longer, let alone another conversation. At least Near let him rant.

"Sure," he said regardless. This girl could be a good source of information a second time around.

_'No, you want to make Near jealous. Like Yuna marrying Seymour to get some boom-cha-ka-wow-wow from Tidus.'_

"See you later, Sayu," he finished with a casual wave, smirking at the girl's dreamy sigh.

To Mello's disappointment, neither L nor Near were sitting glaring at the door with a glare worthy of a stood-up housewife. L was still in his room, and Near was constructing some kind of Lego mega-castle. The outer walls were so far apart that he crouched in the middle with room to spare.

"Who was that girl? She must be of some relevance to the case, as I do not care to know whether or not you are seducing females," he asked, laying down brick after brick. Was it just Mello, or did Near sound even colder than usual?

_'Nope, that's like ultima from a Lv. 99 mage.'_

Well, at least the voice in his head agreed…

"Sayu Yagami," he replied, unable to hold back a smirk. "Sayu being her given name. She's cute."

"Mello doesn't like girls," L announced suddenly. Where were those speakers?! Mello was desperate to shoot the crap out of them. "I forbid it, in the name of yaoi."

"Yes, I agree," Near murmured, castle walls up to his hunched shoulders.

"That's got nothing to do with the case!"

_'Haha, you got pwn'd, Mels.'_

Huffing, he glared furiously at Near. It was all his fault. "Her father's investigating Kira. We should look into the Yagamis, I bet Kira's one of them."

"That is a significant leap of logic, Mello," Near announced, shuffling so his back was turned to the chocoholic. "We do not know if that information leak has lead to a pattern change. Please think rationally before leaping to such conclusions."

"We should investigate 'em anyway!" Mello yelled over his wounded ego. "What kind of dumbass tells his family info about Kira? That's likely to get 'em killed!"

Near shrugged, piling the Lego bricks on.

"Actually, I have already sent twelve FBI agents to investigate the NPA," L announced suddenly. "I suspect there is a lot of yaoi among such a male-dominant group."

Growling, Mello threw his hands up. "I don't get why there'd be _Japanese_ yowies! That's like Artic coconuts or something!"

"…once again, you've misinterpreted us," Near observed, sounding incredibly bored. But that was just Near. Everything about him was boring, monotonous, and repetitive. For years Mello'd been looking for a change in the pattern, but it was always the same.

"Why don't you fucking _die_ , Near?! I hate you!"

Ignoring the tension resembling that in the household of a moody teen whose reaction to everything is to tantrum (such tension is wasted on orphans), Mello stormed to his room to blare Linkin Park music. At least they understood the rage crawling in his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when the death note fandom was so wanky people insisted on calling light 'raito'
> 
> yeah i wish i hadn't either


	4. Deadmaker

Mello was the type of person who skipped meals purely to avoid people. People being Near. Being in the same room as him produced a sickening feeling which immediately put the blonde off food. It was hard enough to give in and eat something other than chocolate, even if Mello knew he needed to, but to walk in and start feeling like he was going to barf? No way. The deal with Roger was that he'd eat 'proper' food, so long as he didn't have to eat with the other orphans. Naturally, Roger gave in. Mello had that power.

But now, here he was, being dragged (literally) to breakfast by bloody Watari! As if that wasn't humiliating enough. How could the old fart be this strong?! What kind of steroids did he pump? Was that even legal? Worst of all, HE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO EAT WITH NEAR!

"KIRA MIGHT AS WELL JUST KILL ME NOW!"

Wisely, Watari discarded the shrieking chocoholic in the closest chair. "I would hope Roger taught you better manners, Mello."

Huffing, he rolled his eyes. "He did. I just don't use 'em."

Surprisingly, Watari's reply was an amused chuckle.

As always, Near was dressed in those pristine white pyjamas. They seemed to repel all grime and colour, apart from the exaggerated brown of his skin. Weird how everything seems stronger when compared to white. Often, Mello heard that the eye was lazily drawn to white, but he disagreed. It wasn't Near's clothes or hair which caught his attention – only his chocolate brown eyes and lips.

"Bastard," Mello spat as his rival sat opposite him.

"Good morning to you too." If he didn't know better, Mello would almost call the tone sarcastic.

Watari seemed happy enough with that, as he turned to leave the dining room. "You will find food in the refrigerator, naturally. I have business to attend to in light of L's investigation."

Scoffing, Mello raided the fridge for chocolate. His rage for the old man was promptly forgotten upon discovery of roughly one thousand bars of milk chocolate. Drooling so much it was a wonder he didn't slip over and break his neck, he grabbed two bars and sunk into his seat, anticipating bliss.

"I wonder… do you ever eat anything but chocolate?"

Jaw-dropping, the blonde froze, chocolate dropping from his hand. "N-Near… are…" Swallowing heavily, he slammed his hands down on the table. "ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT?!"

Near's eyes narrowed.

"You ARE!" Mello gasped, hands curling protectively around his waist. "Y-you… YOU ASSHOLE! WHAT, I'M NOT PRETTY ENOUGH FOR PERFECT NEAR?!"

"Mello, I – "

"SHUT UP!" he snarled, trembling. "FINE then! I'll just starve myself until I _AM_ PRETTY ENOUGH FOR YOU!"

Silence followed. Mello glared, and Near simply stared. The chocolate looked so tempting… but no, Near thought he was fat and ugly. Asshole. Mello tried so hard, and –

"If you're done being stupid," his rival started icily, "you will realise I never said anything of the sort."

"LIAR! You did too! You implied it heavily!"

Near actually gave a sigh. Glaring poisonous, Mello snatched up a bar, stripped it, and took a violent bite. As the sweetness melted across his tongue, realisation struck.

"…FUCKING HELL NEAR!"

Breakfast was officially the worst time ever.

Soichirou Yagami was a proud father, a model police officer, and leader of the NPA's investigation into Kira. Sadly, he was also a man of strong trust and faith. So when Kira's killings started to occur every hour on the hour, he didn't even suspect what L did.

"Kira's intentions here are to show that he can manipulate the times of death," L's electronic voice informed them. There was no room for alternative opinions. It was a fact now that L had spoken it. "Also, he totally kicked your asses by hacking your database. OR one of you told him we think he's a student. Nice going, fuckwits." The fire in the voice turned to ice. "There has been an information leak. Clearly, Kira is among us. Nice going, dumbass, now they're gonna turn against each other!"

L was very confusing and contradictory in his manner of speech, but consistent enough in conclusions of evidence. It was almost frightening how fast he reached these conclusions, and how clear everything became once he did. L was amazing.

"L," Watari started sternly. Souchirou was certain that if he could see Watari's face, there would be a face of parental rage. The kind which says 'I'm angry, but I still love you as a parent'. "Is there anything you wish to know?"

"Has any information been gathered in regard to my request? About the media releases of the criminals?"

A long silence followed as the officers exchanged paranoid glares. It was Ukimoto who replied, brow furrowed in worry.

"Yes. Every single one's name and face were revealed to the public."

L's next words were muttered in swift English. Why he felt the need to mutter in the Western tongue was a mystery, and it did nothing to soothe their nerves. "So he needs a name and a face," he finally breathed, before ceasing communication.

That L was a weird one all right, but dammit he was brilliant.

"I told you so."

Those words were sweeter than the chocolate coating Mello's tongue. It was just another step towards victory. The need to rub it in was burning.

_'Mels, when will you learn? That's the need to put your XXX in his XXX!'_

The sad thing was, Matt really did talk about sex like that. He thought it made him funny and witty. It didn't.

"I didn't doubt the information would be leaked," Near replied, once again failing to show concern. "My intentions were to inform you of the low likelihood of the leak occurring."

Mello raised an eyebrow. "But you just said you thought it was gonna happen too."

Rather than reply straight away, Near stood from his wannabe-L position and returned to his Lego castles. "I've noticed that you follow your hunches through to the end. It is… foolish, but admirable."

For something Near said, it was strangely awkward and clumsy. Was this his equivalent of stumbling over words? If so, didn't that mean he was embarrassed? Or at least lying. Lying seemed more accurate, Mello thought bitterly.

"Thanks," he replied anyway, unable to bite back traces of sarcasm. "We gonna spy on the Yagamis or what?"

Near glanced from a red brick to a grey one. "That's illegal," he noted.

"Way to state the obvious, genius. Murder's worse."

The red one was chosen and slipped into place. "Yes. Sometimes the obvious needs to be stated, so people like you don't miss it," was the silky reply.

"Don't be a bitch! We gonna do it or what?"

Before Near could reply, L's voice cut in. "Please do."

"See?! Even L agrees about spying on 'em!" the blonde sneered.

Silence. "…oh, that was the matter you were discussing. I apologise, but you should do it anyway."

As he often was around L, Mello was dumbfounded. Near's interest in choosing Lego brick tripled, which was strange, seeing as the previous layers were all the same colours.

"We shall plant one camera in the Yagami household," Near suddenly stated, twirling his hair. "I suggest the bedroom of the most likely suspect."

Pulling a face, Mello shook his head. "Make it the living room, you freaky pervert. Then we get to see all of 'em."

The finger slipped from white hair. "Mello, you're too decent."

Ignoring his rival, Mello pulled out his mobile phone and flicked through the numbers. For a second, he lingered on Matt's name, before finally moving on to the newest addition. "Gimme the camera, I'll put there myself."

Sayu was in love. Hopelessly, and completely. She just knew she would never feel this way about another (unless his name was Hideki Ryuuga). Blonde, blue eyes, German and not American but that's okay. Her friends were all completely jealous. She was _dying_ to call him, but she had to have patience. He'd call first.

Hearing the front door open and close, Sayu lifted her head from her phone. Briefly. If she stared long enough, it was bound to ring…

"Hi bro," she greeted without the usual exclamation. It was fair enough if she acted weird – Raito had been acting weird lately, too. It was like he had suddenly discovered his sexuality, and that sexuality was for apples.

"Not watching soap operas, Sayu?" he questioned playfully. Why was he in such a good mood?

"Nuh-uh, I'm waiting for a call," she announced, breaking off into a dreamy sigh and picturing those exotic blue eyes.

Suddenly, Raito was interested. He actually sat down beside his sister. "Who from?"

Grinning, Sayu did a little jig. "My _boyfriend_ , Raito." She wanted to wait for him to ask, but all of her patience was going into waiting for the call. "He's so, so, _so_ hot! And he's _German_ , how awesome is that?! Andandand his Japanese is, like, PERFECT! He's perfect! Almost as hot as Hideki Ryuuga, but not as, but well, he's still a teenager, so… but who knows how hot he'll be when we're older?! OH AND HIS NAME IS LIKE SO, SO COOL! I can't say it right, but _ohmygod his voice_!"

Something dark seemed to cover Raito's amber eyes. Sayu dismissed it as brotherly care. "What's his name?"

"Erm… Mero? Me… ro… eru…" Sayu fumbled, blushing at her pronunciation. "Bro, your English is great! You say it!"

"Is it Mello?" he asked, ever elegant. Cheering, Sayu wrapped her arms around him. "Guess so. Be careful around him."

Giggling, Sayu pulled away. "You're so sweet, Raito. But don't worry, I'll be fine. He's sweet too!"

As he opened his mouth to reply, Sayu's phone gave a violent shake. Quickly hitting the answer button, Sayu fought back a squee.

"Hey there, Sayu," the smooth, sexy voice greeted.

"Mero! Erm, Mello! Hi!"

He gave a chuckle, turning Sayu's face red. "I don't mind how you pronounce it."

"That's _sooo_ sweet!" she swooned, completely oblivious to her eavesdropping brother.

"More like reasonable," he muttered. Before Sayu could question, he'd continued speaking. "So, wanna go see a movie or somethin'?"

"OHMYGOD yes! When!?"

Raito sent her a disapproving look, but Sayu didn't care. He couldn't understand love.

"How about… now-ish?"

"Now-ish?" she parroted, tilting her head. "That's a bit sudden… but sure thing, my mum won't mind. Where are you?"

Another chuckle. Sayu shivered. "Outside your house."

"I knew he was a creep," Raito muttered, standing up. Eeping, Sayu followed him to the door.

Just like he said, the gorgeous foreigner stood outside the front door, smirking. Waving to Sayu, he completely ignored her brother. "Did you wanna get out of your school uniform, Sa-chan?"

Sa-chan! He called her Sa-chan! Even a foreigner had to know how intimate that was! Kyaaaa!

"O-okay, I won't take long! Please, come in!"

Smirk still in place, Mello followed her inside, still not sparing a glance for Raito.

It was a nice house. Mello had seen enough TV to know what a desired family home looked like, and this was it. A homemaker mother, a police officer father, two kids, one of each gender. From the look of the proudly displayed photos, Sayu was the social, sporty one, whereas the brother was the academic genius. Speaking of the brother… he really was a handsome one. Fine, elegant features, with piercing eyes. Those eyes brought back memories of Mello's idol.

"What's your name?" the chocoholic asked, dropping down his backpack. The tiny spy camera was in his pocket. All Mello needed was a spot to plant it, and then another close by to plant the microphone. Watari's inventions always were amazing, but his ones for L were best of all.

"Yagami Raito," was the cold reply. "And yours?"

"Blau Mello." Lying's so easy. "That's the Japanese way, yes."

He was suspicious – very suspicious. Mello had found his prime suspect. Not liking the guy helped. Now, if only he had some chocolate to munch threateningly…

_'Daaaaamn, Mels! Forget the sister, forget Near! Go for this guy!'_

Scowling, Mello fought back the urge to scream. There was no way he could go for this guy, or his sister. Both were completely intolerable in their own ways.

_'…you know you didn't cover Near, right?'_

"How do you speak Japanese so well?" Raito questioned, disrupting Mello's line of thought. "Sure the primary foreign language to study in Germany is English."

"Yep," Mello replied, picking up a framed family photo. "Mastered that when I was six." He placed it back down, turning his back to Raito and reaching for the next. Time to plant that camera. "I speak something like nine languages fluently. I forget, it's too easy." Turning around, he placed the photo in his suspect's hands. "How old are you there? Nine?"

Eyes widening slightly in surprise, the could-be Kira examined the photo.

_'Dammit he's hot…'_

Honestly, Mello wasn't sure if that was the Matt-voice or his own. What mattered was he got the camera in position, overlooking the lounge and television. Now, the microphone…

"No, thirteen," Raito corrected, handing the picture back.

"Oh, really? And how old're you now? Sixteen, seventeen?" he added casually, planting the tiny, sensitive microphone at the back of the frame. Perfect. This almost made the date worth it.

"Sixteen."

Mello raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? I'm fifteen. Well, almost. Don't really ever remember to celebrate my birthday, we're always so busy travelling," he laughed. Actually, at Wammy's, it was considered important to disregard all personal information. They were all considered a year older on New Year's Day. Mello knew his real birthday was in December, but he couldn't remember the exact date.

"Mello! Raito! I'm reaaady!" Sayu announced, bouncing down the stairs. As she emerged, Mello couldn't help but wonder what Near had thought of their conversation. Was he jealous? Did he think nothing of it? Was he staring at his Lego blocks again, or playing with his Transformers? Was he wondering what it'd be like to be on a date with Mello?

"You look good," he informed her, not even taking her appearance in. His mission was done, so it didn't really matter.

"Thank you!"

Mello knew he was wondering what it was like to be on a date with Near. And for once, the voice felt no need to say anything. Of course, these thoughts were Near's fault. Everything was. Most of all, making Mello fall in love with him.

"Bye-bye, bro! Don't wait up, hehe!"

"Later, Raito," Mello said, wondering how he could think such a thing and be so _calm_ about it. He was supposed to throw a fit and shoot the crap out of everyone! Not only falling for Near but accepting that he had were signs of the Armageddon!

_But with Kira, that's pretty close, isn't it?_

That's right, they were risking their lives. Kira would kill them first chance he got. In that situation, strange things happened.

_'Fuck up, Mels. You're whinier than Squall and Vaan **combined**. Fuck up and seduce that albino ass.'_

The truth was, no matter what Mello did, Near would always ignore him. No, no that would be giving up. There was no way _anyone_ could ignore Mello, least of all his rival and love-interest! Mello would MAKE him pay attention. He would MAKE Near show him emotions. And, most of all, he would MAKE Near love him. Like he'd give his rival a choice.


	5. Closer

The first thing about seduction was looking good. Obviously, this was not an issue for Mello; he was a heartthrob and knew it. But that didn't mean he couldn't try harder. Maybe if he shortened 'good' to 'sexy' he would get some ideas. Sure enough, right away, his brain got working. Sexiness is tight clothes. TV had taught this lesson well.

Pulling on his tightest leather pants (which took several minutes and a lot of oil), Mello wondered how badly Watari would hurt him for wandering around topless. Concluding that the answer was 'badly', Mello decided to make Near sweat it out for longer before unveiling the sexiness of himself half-naked. This led to a figure-hugging, half unzipped vest which cut off at his hipbones. Not just sexy, but **_dead_** sexy.

Take that, Near.

Even if it was winter and snowing, sexiness knows no seasons. If those Japanese girls could get away with mini-skirts three hundred and sixty-five days a year, so could Mello! …not the mini-skirts, those're for girls… the vest… yeah…

"SHUT UP MATT!"

 _'Aw, I didn't even suggest that you cosplay Christie from_ Tekken 4 _yet…'_

"No fucking way am I dressing up as a _girl_!" the blonde snapped, pulling his rosary to lay over the vest. It had been digging in painfully. And, in a way… that just made him sexier. Like it was a sin to not to love him.

After grabbing an armful of chocolate from the fridge, Mello headed to the dubbed investigation room. No surprise, Near was there, seated in front of a computer. A bloody image of a pentagram and a collapsed, shadowy body with bleeding wrists dominated the screen.

"'S that, photography bullshit?" he asked, snapping off a row. Matt claimed to be an aspiring photographer. The whole art looked like a bunch of shopped overdramatic dead bodies and beaches to Mello.

"A professional photographer would not take pictures this blurry," Near replied, almost sounding bored. 'Almost' because boredom is an emotion. "It is one of Kira's latest victims."

Snorting, Mello discarded his chocolate wrapper. "Too dramatic for him. He's up to something."

"Agreed."

Taking the computer beside his rival, Mello made sure to brush his hand over Near's as he reached for a file. He couldn't care less what was in it – that tiny shiver Near gave was what he'd really wanted.

"I suspect Kira is testing the limits of his powers out," he said, passing the blonde a sheet of paper. "This is the suicide note a notoriously fearless criminal wrote." Pause. Eyes scraping over bare skin. "Mello, aren't you cold?"

_'Warm 'im up, Neaaaaary.'_

"No," the blonde lied, scanning the note. "If you've already studied this, why're you making me do it? So I can say 'The first word from each line spells out 'L, did you know Gods of Death only eat apples'' and you can brag about already knowing." It wasn't a question anymore, just a statement to prove what a bitch Near is.

But, amazingly, Near shook his head. "Your language skills are better than mine, so I didn't read the note at all."

Drowning his surprise in chocolate, Mello glanced away from the timetable of Kira's studies. He was better than Near at something academic? There was no way Near would confess to such a thing without a reason.

"You speak more languages than I do," his rival clarified. That would tie back to Near's obsessively anti-social behaviour. The asshole was trying to rub in how different to L Mello was!

"Shut up." It was the most brilliant comeback in his blonde, blonde mind. "I'm gonna get every high school student in Kanto's timetable and compare it to this," he announced icily, gesturing to his screen. "Starting with that damn Yagami Raito."

"That is a good plan," Near continued with the lying flattery, "but it would take more than the two of us, and for all we know, Kira could have manipulated the times of death to resemble a timetable."

"Quit second guessing."

His rival remained silent.

"You'd have to be totally obsessed," Mello muttered, taking a bite, "and have no life to pull that off. Or God."

"I fear the latter is what Kira wishes to be."

Clenching his fist around his rosary, Mello scoffed. "What a dumbass. And I'm dating his sister…"

Pursing his lips, Near returned his attention to the bloody images with renewed fascination. Odd. He didn't even scold the blonde for making assumptions. Feeling a rush of triumph, Mello opened every hard worker's favourite program – MSN Messenger.

"If Mello wishes to use MSN," L announced suddenly, "he must use the account I have created for him."

It was a typical, paranoid L thing to do, so Mello's only question was the email address.

"barbieprincess69 at hotmail dot com."

If he didn't know better, Mello would have sworn he heard Near snicker. Twitching, he typed it in. If he wasn't biting his tongue to contain the urge to scream and tantrum at his idol, he would've asked for the password. Thankfully, L was a genius.

"The password is the most popular four words from the song _'Barbie Girl'_ by Aqua with no punctuation."

Grinding his teeth along his tongue, Mello furiously typed 'imabarbiegirl'. Straight away, he was logged in. After quickly adding Matt's email (gameobsessedgamer), a chat window popped up.

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _Nice addy, Mels._

**_Barbie Princess says:_ ** _When I get home, I'm smashing your Wii._

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _Don't be a bitch, Mello! That'll send you straight to hell, your damn hail marys be damned!_

**_Barbie Princess says:_ ** _Uh-huh. Why don't you hack into the Kanto's education department's database and send me the timetable for every student._

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _cuz that would be boring_

**_Barbie Princess says:_ ** _Do it now or the PSX gets it._

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _Just cuz Near's not putting out doesn't mean you have to be a bitch_

**_Barbie Princess says:_ ** _FUCKING HELL MATT JUST DO IT WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT NEAR DAMMIT JUST DO IT_

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _Okay okay… ;)_

Matt was being oddly rebellious. It couldn't be that he was jealous of Mello for getting to investigate with L – Matt didn't even want to be L, that was part of why he and Mello were such good friends. So it had to be that Matt was bored and missing Mello.

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _This is to catch Kira, right? Do I get paid?_

**_Barbie Princess says:_ ** _When I get back I'll give you a PS-whatever-they're-up-to_

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _asdfghjklkjhgfds you're the best Mels!_

Didn't he know it.

They were silent for almost twenty minutes. Mello didn't want to distract Matt from his "l33+ h4(k0rz" skills, so he boredly scanned the Google results for "Kira". As before, the pro-Kira outweighed the anti.

"Idiots," the blonde muttered, clicking out of a page declaring Kira to be God. Why was it so hard to grasp that Kira was the lovechild of Hitler and Stalin?

**_King of Games Matt sends Accept or Decline?_ **

**_Accepted. Transferring file…_ **

**_Barbie Princess says:_ ** _Easier or harder than hacking Watari's computer?_

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _Over 9000 times easier, bb_

No wonder, Mello mused, eyeing the security cameras.

**_File has been received. Open?_ **

**_Opening file._ **

Quickly, Mello did a search for Yagami Raito. Rather than be tedious with how unique Raito is, with his girly name written with the kanji for moon, Mello had already learnt to spell Raito's name and paused only to laugh at what an incredible pansy it made him sound. No wonder he'd turned to crime.

Grinning widely, Mello turned to his rival. "Oi, Near."

"Yes?"

Signalling to the timetables on his screen, the blonde smirked. "They match."

Twirling his hair, Near leant across Mello to study the evidence. Holding his breath, the blonde desperately tried not to focus on Near's hand on his thigh, or his side pressed so close to Mello's chest they were risking fusing together…

_'Mels, you've got it bad.'_

He knew.

_'I saw L's chains and handcuffs before – why don't ya punish him?'_

Yeah, that sounded like a good idea.

"Yagami Raito," Near breathed, dragging Mello from his BDSM thoughts. "Possible Kira." A smile crossed his face, and Mello wondered if Kira had caught him – his heart was erratic.

"L, the NPA are ready to report," Watari announced, the gothic W consuming the laptop.

"Please proceed," Near requested, switching smoothly to Japanese as he slid away. Fighting back a growl, Mello bid Matt "g2g" before bitterly giving his attention.

*

"L, YOU BASTARD!" Kashiyama screamed, bringing his fists down on the table. Watari lived with thirty gifted orphans from across Europe. He was used to such tantrums. "HOW DARE YOU SEND THE FBI TO INVESTIGATE US?! AND GET THEM KILLED NO LESS!"

"What the hell were the FBI doing out of America?" one half of L wondered in English. Before anyone could question, he spoke Japanese. "It's hard to trust you fuckwits after an information leak to _KIRA_ , who we're trying to _CATCH_ , idiot! You don't like it, get the fuckin' hell outta this team. I don't want dumbasses and cowards for an investigation team."

Silence followed Mello's words. No matter what Watari and Roger did, they never could get the blonde to contain that fiery temper. Perhaps they were wrong, and it wasn't such a bad thing.

The task force couldn't comprehend it, but the boys were whispering in English.

"We need to week 'em out, 'til there aren't wimps left. They'll just waste our time."

"Yes. However, after the death of Ryuuzaki's FBI agents, they will never trust us. We will have to meet them face-to-face, to prove our dedication."

"Bags being L."

Watari couldn't help but chuckle at that.

"L will not be allowed to leave HQ, Mello. That would drive you insane."

Before Mello could throw a tantrum revolving around Near's arrogance, Chief Yagami cleared his throat. "L is right. If you are not willing to risk your life, please leave. You will not lose your rank or pay and will continue to investigate other cases."

Not surprisingly, the room immediately started to empty. For all their bosses would know, they'd be working, but in reality? Everyone would be surfing the net aimlessly, and getting paid to do it. You'd have to be insane to pick Kira over that.

"Five… no, six including myself," Chief gasped mournfully.

"What am I, invisible? Fuck, just 'cos I'm behind a computer doesn't mean you can rule me out, asshole!"

The investigation team were not as amused as Watari. Some people take everything too seriously.

"We cannot continue to trust you without being in your presence, L," Chief, ever the fearless leader, voiced.

"Well, fuck you t – Watari, please follow the plan I gave you this morning," their voices melded together, leading to one very confused group of six investigators.

"Yes," Watari nodded, closing the laptop. Even if they refused to accept it, Near and Mello were an incredible team. Like Earl Grey and milk, they blended together into a cup of heaven for justice.

Silently, Watari wrote an explanation letter for the NPA team, outlining Near's paranoid plan worthy of L. Eccentric genius detectives were all the same in some aspects. What was noteworthy was that Near had predicted Mello's reaction exactly. Such an amazing pair – no wonder L refused to choose between them.

*

Midnight was finally here! Ide had thrown a fit and quit, but he was a cranky fun-killer anyway. As they rode the elevator to the instructed floor, it was a wonder Matsuda didn't wet himself. First he got partnered with his idol, Chief Yagami, now he was about to meet his other idol, L almighty!

Forget that about not wetting himself.

"Matsuda, quit bouncing around!" Chief barked.

"Sorry master!"

"…what did you – ?"

"Oops! I meant sir! Sorry sir!"

Giving a cheery 'ding', the elevator announced their arrival. Bursting out like a hyper puppy, Matsuda bounced into the genius' room, badge at the ready.

"Are those… Lego blocks on the floor?" Aizawa asked, leading to an exchange of bewildered glances.

Simultaneously, they took five steps forward, before freezing. There, on the floor! That tiny figure, all decked out in white – was that a fallen angel, or L the angel of justice? He was turning around, and…

…it was just a little boy.

"Hello," the all-white boy said, brown eyes scanning their faces. "I am L."

Oh. So this was the magic of botox MTV spoke of…

"Aizawa Shuichi."

"Ukita Hirokazu."

Oh yeah! Introducing themselves to L almighty!

"Mogi Kanzo."

"Yagami Soichirou."

"Matsuda Touta!"

Inclining his head adorably, the so-called L (Matsuda had pictured Sherlock, or Batman) pulled out a gun.

"WHAT?! A GUN?!" Matsuda shrieked, leaping back.

"FUCK! WHO FUCKING HAS A FUCKING GUN?! NEAAR!" a voice screamed in English. There was a blur of black, and next thing Matsuda knew, a pretty blonde girl was crouching protectively in front of L, blue eyes gleaming. Oh poo, this one had a gun too… but what a pair! One as adorable and cute as the teddy bear on Matsuda's bed, the other as dangerously beautiful as a tiger. Matsuda likes teddies and tigers.

"Not only have you blown your cover, Mello," the teddy sighed, "but you interrupted the point I was making."

"Don't you fucking lecture me, Near!" the blonde tiger snarled, shoving the gun down her pants. How odd. "Make your damn point! First you call me FAT, then you call me STUPID!"

The outburst was ignored. "If I were Kira, I could have just killed you all," L-the-teddy told them, rather monotonously, like their deaths were boring to him. "Don't give out your names so carelessly." With that said, he wandered deeper into the room, sitting with one leg pulled to his chest and a toy robot in his hand. The blonde tiger followed, plonking down beside the so-called L who was too cute to be L. Following the chief's lead, they also sat, though normally.

"How _old_ are you two?" Chief asked, parental power kicking in. "Is he truly L?"

"No fuckin' way, we're BOTH L! For the time being. I'M going to be L."

"Mello is fifteen," the half-L teddy replied. "I am thirteen. Do not underestimate us due to our ages, as together, we surpass the original L by sixty percent," he paused to transform the robot into a yellow Volkswagon beetle. "Call me Near."

"Are you guys, like, L's kids?" Matsuda asked sheepishly. Just how smart were they? Would they realise that he wasn't completely against Kira?

"We're just acting as L," Mello said, devouring a chocolate bar in the blink of an eye. "He's too busy chasing bush beasts."

"L is here," Near said emotionlessly. "But he is investigating something much more important than Kira. Please refer to him as Ryuuzaki if you need to."

"What could possibly be more important than Kira?" Chief asked, almost scared. Matsuda felt like giving him a hug, so he did.

"Yaoi," a new voice, apparently the true L (who had to look like an exotic animal to fit the trend) announced. A wave of understanding crushed Matsuda.

"Mister Ryuuzaki, I just want to say…" he started shyly, "… that I agree. Yaoi is _much_ more important than Kira."

A stunned silence followed.

"I agree," Near said, tossing the car aside in favour of sending Mello a meaningful look. Just because Matsuda didn't understand the meaning didn't mean it wasn't there.

"Fucking abominable bush men," Mello muttered, violently snapping a row of chocolate. Near rolled his eyes in reply. "Kira's out there killing people, so let's hurry up and catch the bastard! Starting with those FBI agents Ryuuzaki got…"

"For the yaoi."

After that, Matsuda had nothing but respect for the still mysterious L almighty.


	6. Christmas Special

_'Twas the night before Christmas, a night of cherry fires. But here in Japan, the team work to find the liar. O, Kira, so much you ruin, with your cruel killings. Will you perhaps stop for ten shillings?_

"Forget Kira," Mello mumbled, crumpling the note. Dozens of lame poems were printed across hundreds of cards, scattered all over HQ. Somehow, half a dozen had even gotten into the blonde's room. "I've had enough of these FUCKING POEMS!"

It was indeed the day before Christmas, though not the night. It was early morning, and dammit Mello needed chocolate. These poems had been drifting around since the twentieth, and what was worse, they were written in English. Yet to figure out who thought they were the next Dylan Thomas, the blonde barely even cared that Kira was eluding them still. Last night was the first time he'd slept in three days, he was so busy watching surveillance tapes of the Yagami living room while the others slept.

So far, nothing. Sayu was the only who spent a significant amount of time occupying the room, fawning over Hideki Ryuuga, and Mello had had more than enough of seeing her. In fact, he'd thrust cheap jewellery at her to shut her up, and said he was going back to Germany for the holidays, and don't call EVER. But occasionally, Mello swore he heard Raito talking to himself about notes…

The whole seducing Near thing wasn't going brilliantly, either. How was Mello supposed to know his rival who he'd lived with for the past ten years took delight in Christmas? It was so pathetically adorable, it made him feel like a paedophile. Which meant he'd been backing off by snapping twice as often. What wonderful romance.

_Christmas, Christmas, joy and love! All the world is belove! Except Kira, that fool. He's so uncool._

Ripping it in half, Mello glared bitterly at Chief Yagami. He'd unloaded the blonde's gun, and replaced all his bullets with packaging peanuts. Those didn't make good bullets.

Somehow, Near had managed to get a massive Christmas tree in here, and was busy decorating the lower parts. How he'd managed to reach the three metre tip Mello didn't know, but the gleaming gold star brought back memories of Christmas mornings at church before his parents died.

Growling, Mello plonked down in front of a computer, fingers tapping irritably. Ignoring the fearful glances from the NPA officers, he accepted the chocolate offered by Watari without a word, consuming it roughly.

"Well? Do we have anything new?" he asked, swallowing heavily. Matsuda whimpered under his glare, probably wetting himself again. Urgh.

"A woman named Naomi Misora had been added to the missing persons list," Aizawa's afro said. Or Aizawa said. That afro was way too distracting… "She was Raye Penber's fiancée."

"Yeah, and she was an ex-FBI agent who helped catch Beyond," the blonde muttered boredly. L had told him about the BB murder case, so of course he'd memorised every detail. "Who was with her before she went missing? Did anyone provoke her to commit suicide? Look into her whole last week in known civilization, idiots."

Silence. Rolling his eyes, Mello bitterly started to search the internet on his own. They'd get over their stunned stupidity, and then they'd do what he said. As always.

Suddenly, words flashed across the computer screen.

_Good tidings we bring, to you and your work. But give it a break, you stupid jerk._

With that, the computers shut down.

"…MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT!"

"He's not here, Mello," Near reminded him in the usual deadpan.

"I DON'T CARE! HE DID THIS, DIDN'T HE?!" the blonde continued to roar, storming around furiously. "FIRST HE MAKES ME SCHIZO-FUCKING-PHRENIC, NOW HE'S WRITING POETRY AT ME!"

Turning back to the tree, Near gave a tiny shrug. "It's no use talking to you when you make assumptions like this. Perhaps you should find some evidence to capture the Christmas Poetry Bandit."

Growling, Mello pulled out his mobile, hitting the speed-dial for his best friend. After two rings, a sleepy voice answered.

"Piss off, I'm asleep…"

"MATT."

"If you want phone sex, at least sound sexy, Mels," the redhead yawned, too tired to care about fuelling the fire.

"DAMMITMATTWHAT'SWITHTHEPOEMS?!"

"Eh? Poems? What poems?"

"THE MOTHERFUCKING POEMS!"

"Mels, have you been trying drugs without me?" Matt asked slowly, almost mournfully. "It's like… one in the morning, I'm going to sleep. Gotta get a shitload before this year's inhaul of games."

With that, the line went dead.

Glaring around at the investigators, Mello threw the phone down. "Oh fuck you all! I'm gonna find the asshole who's doing this! FUCK KIRA!" With that, he turned on his heel and stormed off.

"Must be PMS," Matsuda whispered fearfully.

The others nodded, Near included.

*

At first, Mello thought it was Matsuda. Purely because he didn't like Matsuda. But then he remembered, Matsuda's English was pathetic. He got dog mixed up with chair.

Then there was Mogi. Well, Mogi didn't talk, so Mello was none the wiser. Prime suspect – it was always the quiet ones.

Ukita was dismissed because he looked funny. Too wider forehead – who did he think he was, E.T.?

Aizawa could do it, maybe, but his afro would be the one holding the pen. Mello made a mental note to shave Aizawa's head.

The Chief. Ah, the chief. Mello would so like to attack him with pathetic poetry, but the chief didn't have technology experience. His computer skills would make Matt cry.

Near, well… Near would be absolutely perfect at poetry, wouldn't he? Arrogant little bitch. Plus, Mello doubted he had the ability to create original written words.

Watari and L were both too sophisticated and intelligent to create such mediocre rhymes. This brought Mello absolutely no where. Growling in frustration, he resisted the urge to scream at Matt. Whenever something to do with technology went wrong, it was _always_ Matt's fault. That Y2K virus everyone raved about a few years back? Matt. Sadly, L stopped him before he unleashed it. The hype was hilarious regardless.

But Matt wasn't to blame for once. It made sense, when Mello did think about it – he wasn't the type to do things without Mello's approval. This left one person to blame.

Desperately fighting back a yawn, Mello jumped to his feet, ready to storm out and kick Kira's ass. Maybe Kira was hidden in Aizawa's afro! Or maybe Kira _was_ Aizawa's afro! Forget that Raito guy, Mello didn't have a grudge against him like he did Aizawa's afro.

"Excuse me, Mello," a kindly voice said from the doorway.

"SHIT!" the blonde shrieked, whirling around to face the wrinkled old man. "Watari, when did you get in here?!"

"Long enough to hear your suspicion that Mister Aizawa's hair is Kira," the orphan-lover-in-a-non-paedo-way-Mello-hoped chuckled, placing a glass of what looked to be liquid chocolate on his bedside table. "Now, Mello, no one has been working harder on the Kira case than you."

"No need to tell me that."

"Yes, yes, L and I are both quite proud of you," he dismissed, still retaining his grandfather air. "But if you keep this up, you will work yourself to death."

Scoffing, Mello scooped up the glass, taking a testing sip. Definitely chocolate. "Better dying working than playing with Optimus fucking Prime."

"Language," Watari chided by default. Then he remembered who he was speaking to. "Please, take it at least a margin less seriously. You're working yourself up to rupture a nervous breakdown. Again."

Grumbling, Mello drained the glass rapidly. Smiling, Watari left the room, just as the blonde started to sway. His eyes were so heavy, when had they turned to lead? That was illogical. Eyelids don't just suddenly turn into lead. All he needed was to close them for a second…

…

…and it was Christmas morning.

Panicking, the blonde scrambled around his bed, searching to no avail for the dreaded Christmas poem. But the Christmas Poetry Bandit – where was he?! Wouldn't he go nuts on Christmas? Stumbling from bed, Mello raced out to the investigation room. Not a scrap of paper in sight.

"Mello."

Whirling around, Mello came face to face with his pale rival. A single finger gestured to the ceiling above them. Before the confused blonde could look, he was pulled into a soft kiss.

"Merry Christmas," Near concluded, turning and sitting at the base of the tree.

Stunned beyond belief, all Mello could do was stutter, fingers hovering over his lips. Finally, he found his voice.

"Near…" he breathed, stepping closer.

"Yes, Mello?"

"DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT MENINGOCOCCAL?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!"

*

_Dear Santa, please give me yaoi. On Christmas morning…_

Pausing, the dark haired man scratched his nose with his pen. Picking up his phone, he made an urgent call.

"Yes?"

"Watari, what rhymes with yaoi?" L asked, frowning at his poem.

"Wowie, sir," the caretaker replied smoothly.

Giving a grin, L concluded his poem ( _On Christmas morning, yaoi is wowie_ ). "Excellent. Is everything else going according to plan?"

"Yessir."

Giving his full attention to the monitor containing his successors, L immediately found his heart racing and a smirk forming at what he saw.

"Just as planned," he concluded.


	7. Sleepless Beauty

Back at Wammy's House, Matt was bored out of his mind. Now that Mello and Near had buggered off to be gay for each other (Matt had played enough _'Final Fantasy'_ to understand how romance worked), he didn't have anyone to talk to. Well, there was Mario, but Mario doesn't scream at you to shut up and get the chocolate. Mario doesn't say **_anything_**. Just looks for Peach in the wrong tower.

It'd be fine if Matt was actually alone, but no. Instead he had to be clung to by Mello's mortal enemy number two, Linda. She was oh so worried about them (meaning Near) and oh so scared they'd never come back, and aren't you worried too, Matt?

No, he wasn't. Mello would make continents move if it meant becoming L, and much faster than seven inches a year. Everyone knew this. It was fairly obvious that Linda didn't care about Mello at all, just Near. Her choices in men… okay, so Near _was_ cute. In a creepy way. Like that toy clown when you're three. You wanna hug it, and play with it, but something about it is so eerie you stay up all night, terrified that it was going to murder you in your sleep.

"Mels'll take care of Near," Matt assured Linda for the seventh time that day.

"But Mello _hates_ Near!" she cried, ready to bawl. Shit. Matt couldn't tolerate crying chicks.

"No, he doesn't," he assured, turning his focus to his game. Up, A, hold B to power up. "He just hates how smart Near is." As he dismembered the alien scum, Matt wondered if Mello knew his own true feelings for the white freak. "There's more to that guy than his brain, y'know."

From the stunned mullet look, no, Linda didn't know. But that was okay – Mello was always very open about his achievements. Upon Kira's downfall, he'd be bragging about Near to everyone. And with those two working on the case, they'd know who Kira was any day now. Unless things were going totally against L's plan, but come on.

Yep. Annnnny day now.

…

Oh fuck it. Matt was going after them.

*

Four months. They'd been working with the five NPA agents for _four months_. It was goddamn April, and the so-called morals of the Japanese officers were slowing everything down. There was always at least one of them here, and dammit, they were slowing operation seduce Near to a snail's pace. Mello hadn't even gotten past 'wear tight clothes'. Worst of all, Near didn't even care about the dates with Sayu! That meant they had become pointless. Sure, Mello got some information about the would-be Kira, but that simply wasn't good enough.

What Mello really needed was some action. Staring at screens for four months was all fine and good for a try-hard clone of L (AKA Near) but Mello needed to get out there and be in danger! He'd even join the damn Yakuza if he had to.

"This investigation is going nowhere," he announced one fine spring morning. Protests started up immediately. "Shut up! I'll be _DAMNED_ if I spend another day staring at goddamn surveillance tapes." Turning his gaze to meet Near's, he snapped off a patch of chocolate. "We've got a prime suspect. I'm not ignoring that anymore."

Nodding, Near tossed aside his action figure and twirled a lock of hair. "Agreed."

"Can I come?" Matsuda asked hyperly. "Who's the suspect? What's the evidence?"

With a smirk, Mello announced; "Yagami Raito."

Gasps rang around the room. The Chief clung to his chest (Manboob, Mello thought cruelly) in anticipation of a heart attack.

"How dare you?! The Chief's son! Raito-kun of all people!"

Twitching with rage, Mello opened the computer files. Raito's timetable opened, followed by the one created by the Law of Large Numbers. "FIRSTLY, as the chief's son, he has a link to the NPA, and the chance to hack into the chief's computer," the hot cross blonde explained.

"And he has assisted the NPA in solving several cases," Near added.

"Plus these timetables match," Mello concluded with his most sardonic smirk.

The stunned silence of pwnage fell.

"I am about ten percent certain," Near voiced. His eyes skimmed to Mello's. "And Mello about sixty-five percent certain that your son is Kira."

"Arrogant tryhard."

"B-but… b-but… Raito is a good boy!" Chief cried defensively. "He is a strong believer in justice!"

Slowly turning the head of a truck into Optimus Prime, Near gave a 'dude you're so stupid' look. "Reality is based on perception. In your reality, Chief Yagami, Kira is evil, and what he is doing isn't justice at all. But to Kira…" Turning from Optimus Prime, Near started to construct a tower of Tarot cards. "To Kira, he is doing justice. Kira is one who believe criminals cannot reform – or he simply hasn't considered that an option – and must be eliminated."

Mello swore he'd never heard Near speak more, and was staring to wish his rival would shut up. Everything he said was so damn obvious.

"Kira is an arrogant child and delusional. He considers himself to be a god, or at least a martyr – and he is a genius, and fully aware of this," pausing, Near stared at the Death card. "Mello. Humanity's original sin revolved around apples, didn't it?"

Ah, Near. Always ready to belittle Mello's beliefs. "Uh-huh, kinda. I don't think Kira's Christian, Near, so it's pointless. If he was, he'd be breaking the First Commandment."

Sending the chief a bewildered look, Matsuda whined.

"Thou shalt not kill," the blonde recited with an eye roll.

"Of course followers of religion never break God's rules," his rival replied sarcastically.

"Fucking bitch!" Mello spat. "You're just jealous that I love God and not you!"

The tower consumed Near's attention once more. For a second, Mello thought Near was finally going to drop the subject. Really, he was an arrogant little bitch who couldn't accept that Mello could believe in God despite the lack of logical evidence.

"Then you are wasting your love," the white-haired boy suddenly said.

Letting out a furious growl, Mello stormed to the door, wrenching it open. "Fuck you! Waste your fucking time on yowies and belittling me! I'M investigating goddamn Kira, like we're SUPPOSED TO BE! And I'll CATCH HIM BEFORE ANY OF YOU!"

The sound of the door slamming echoed around the room, interrupted by the flutter of falling cards.

"Bitch," Near muttered, picking up the cards.

*

Raito was God. Just because it wasn't fully acknowledge yet didn't make it any less true. Well, at least he was being stalked by a god of death. That was pretty cool, as annoying as Ryuk was.

As future God of the perfect world, it was crucial that Raito look **_fabulous_**. Those guys from 'Queer Eye' had nothing on Yagami Raito AKA Kira. Now, if only he could find L's name and face. No matter what he searched on Google, no results came. Being God sure is tough. Next week were entrance exams, and Raito vowed to know who L was by the end of the month. He'd even put off clothe shopping to investigate.

"Hey, Raito, leave that mirror alone and come play _'Buddokai_ ' with me," Ryuk requested. It was a pity that only Raito could see Ryuk – he looked over nine thousand times as divine in comparison to the goth.

"Five more minutes," the brunette demanded, running a comb through his hair. It was three millimetres out of place.

That was when the front door burst open. Normally, Raito would run to investigate – but, his hair was still two millimetres out of place. It could wait a minute.

"Hey, Raito, there's a psychotic blonde guy attacking your kitchen," Ryuk noted, before gasping. "What if he damages the apples?!"

"RYUK, my hair is OUT OF PLACE. I'll deal with it IN A MINUTE," Raito shrieked, throwing his comb at the shinigami goth. It soared right through.

"It's okay," the oblivious apple addict sighed. "He's just stealing the chocolate."

That was fine. Raito couldn't ear chocolate – it was too damaging to his figure.

Finally, his luscious hair was in place. Arming himself with a pen and a slip of Death Note paper, he sauntered down to the kitchen.

Randomly, that boyfriend of Sayu's was slapping the walls, chocolate hanging from his teeth. Sapphire eyes offered the impending God a brutal murder.

"What the fuck are _you_ doing here?" the blonde demanded, shoving Raito into the living room.

"Ow! No hitting!" the brunette cried – to distract Mello, of course. "I _live_ here. What are _you_ doing here?"

"I don't need a reason to invade your house, dumbass!" Mello snarled.

"Yes you do!"

"I'm bored and pissed off," the blonde hissed. Now THIS guy was scary, but Raito wouldn't show that. Behind him, Ryuk cackled.

"Now this guy's something else. Humans… hyuck, so interesting."

Perhaps Raito could learn from this guy's true intentions… rage seemed to be the way to control him. With a delicate touch, Raito led Mello to the sofa, pulling him down to sit.

On a slight tangent, it is important to note that Raito really isn't as great with people as he thinks. His way of getting people to do as he wishes is to be sexy at them. As we all know, everyone is different, and thus, it's logical to assume not everyone appreciates someone being sexy at them, no matter how sexy they are.

Currently, Raito was seated as close to Mello as he could be. Highly strung as he is, Mello reacted by pulling his gun out, holding it between Kira's amber eyes.

"Keep your hands offa me, rapist," he hissed darkly, finger twitching over the trigger. A wry smile crossed his lips. "Or Kira will have to kill you."

What the hell?! Did he know?! Ryuk cackled. Not good! There was a gun in his face, and this blonde was acting like he knew who Raito was! Be cool, Raito, he told himself. There was absolutely no evidence against him. It was just a joke. People with guns like to joke, especially Germans. Just because Mello had said something about Kira didn't mean he knew.

"I'm not a rapist," Raito said, genuinely offended.

"Took you that long to realise?" the chocoholic snorted.

"Do you support Kira?" It was time to test and profile Sayu's boyfriend properly. He could become a threat.

"Yep."

Mello replied with no hesitation. That had to mean he was being honest. Unless he was lying, then he wouldn't be honest. Well, Raito wasn't going to be stupid with second guessing. He would act like he was anti-Kira.

"But Kira is evil," he protested like a good boy.

"…seriously, you spaced out for that?" the psychotic maniac snorted. "Criminals are all evil, but at least Kira's getting rid of some in the process. Then when he gets executed, big whoop, at least he took some others out too."

How rude! Raito was horrified. Were there other Kira supporters like this? Who thought he was only a temporary justice rather than the god of the new world? Those morons! Raito would show them. He'd show them all.

"What if there are copycat killings?" he questioned smoothly.

Mello gave a shrug. "It's kinda hard to copy killing people with just their names."

Haha, that fool! It was name _and_ face!

Before Raito could continue his good son of a police chief who is one hundred percent NOT Kira, a vibration and high-pitched tone interrupted. Scowling, Mello took out his phone, looking like he wanted to crush it. Raito took advantage of the distraction to shove the gun from his face.

"What?" the blonde snarled, fingers twitching around the gun. His rage immediately faded, as did his Japanese. Cursing, Raito made a personal note; learn German. It would have to occur after eliminating L, sadly.

"Oi, Raito," Mello suddenly said, gun jabbing the future god's temple. "We're going out. Future brother in law bonding and shit. Now. Before I shoot you."

Raito was never out of his house faster, Ryuk cackling behind.

*

Soichirou Yagami was a decent man who wanted the best for his son. This was exactly why L knew he would agree to have his house under full surveillance until Raito was cleared. Honestly, L didn't care either way. If Soichirou had refused, he'd put the cameras in Raito's bedroom anyway. The reason was simple.

Raito was the perfect choice to create yaoi with L. So, naturally, L wants. And what L wants, L gets. It was part of being the top three detectives in the world.

For now, L would simply watch his choice. Then, when he was brought into HQ, as was inevitable, L would pounce. Quit literally.

Until then, he would watch and wait…

*

Matt was a force Japan couldn't begin to reckon with. If you mean to ask how he found his way to the investigation HQ, don't. He just did, and no, it wasn't THAT illegal. You think he replaced a bead from the back of Mello's rosary with a tracking device? …okay, you're right, but please don't tell Mello.

Bursting through the door, Matt waved his stylus like a sword. "BEHOLD! You thought you could elude me, but I, the almighty warrior Matt, have come to save Barbie Princess Mello from the evil perils of… heeeeey, where's Mels?"

"Your princess is in another tower," the white-haired evil foe informed him, sounding completely unsurprised. Those Japanese men, on the other hand, looked ready to die of shock. One had even wet himself. Cracking up, Matt settled down to play Pokemon Diamond. He'd 'bought' a copy on the way over.

"When's the princess coming back?" the redhead asked as the introduction movie played.

"When he quits sulking."

"…MELLO'S A BOY?!" The geeky one gasped. Conveniently, just as the door opened, revealing a very, very pissed off blonde. And that poor geek had just made it worse.

"YOUFUCKINGSONUVABITCHWHYTHEFUCKWOULDIBEAGIRL?! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

As expected, Mello pulled out the infamous gun, aiming it at the offender. If Matt didn't do something, the blonde'd waste him, and ruin any chances of becoming L. Then who would Matt bribe into buying him games? Sighing, he lovingly placed his DS aside, and glomped Mello.

"MY PRINCESS! YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT TOWER NOW!" he cried as they hit the ground. Naturally, Mels was on the bottom – where he belongs, hyuck hyuck…

"OW! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL, MATT?!" Shoving the game lord away, Mello studied him for a second. Suddenly, he threw his arms around Matt's neck.

"Aw, c'mon, Mels, don't snap my neck!"

"Shut up!" the blonde snapped, pulling away. "What're you doing here? Are you gonna help catch Kira?"

Picking up the DS, Matt went back to Pokemon. "Nah, I'm gonna help _you_. Whatever you're doing, blah blah blah…" A growl escaped his throat. "Gary motherfucking Oak! Dammit!"

The arms went back around his neck – only this time, Mello's forehead rested on his shoulder. A hug. From Barbie Princess Mello. Since when had he learned AFFECTION? What the hell was Near doing to Mels? Starting to glare at the hunched figure, Matt found it sliding off his face. Near was actually looking at them, and did he ever look pissed. Not wanting to be struck with an Ultima spell, but not wanting to be attacked by Mello, Matt formed a genius plan.

"Mels," he whispered, being sure to use the blonde's native language. "Your boyfriend's getting jealous."

Instantly, Mello pulled away, muttering the blush away. He scanned the room, looking everywhere but at Near.

"He's Matt," the blonde announced, holding a hand out. Without looking up from his PokeBattle with Green Oak, Matt provided the chocolate.

"I'm Matt."

"Are the cameras planted?" Mello demanded, taking a bite of chocolate. "Dealing with that pretentious bastard had better be worth it…"

"That's Raito-kun, the Chief's son, you're talking about!" the NPA whined.

Rolling his eyes, Mello tugged Matt to his feet. "C'mon. We're going."

"Whatever the Princess wants."

"Mello. Wait."

Wincing at the suddenly painful grip around his bicep, Matt stayed silent. Mello was close to exploding. It was better to shut the hell up and hope whatever Near said wasn't completely idiotic.

In other words, Matt pulled himself free and dived behind a couch.

"What do you want?" Mello hissed.

Glancing up from his Lego castle, Near stared for several seconds. "You, Ryuuzaki, and Chief Yagami are to watch the Yagami household."

"Oh sweet, do I get to?"

"Hell no, Matt."

"Damn…"

*

Mello wasn't sulking. He wasn't furious to be deprived of an overdue rant at Matt about how evil Near was. He wasn't so pissed off he barely even noticed his idol was sitting next to him, making comments about Raito's ass at two per a minute. Chief simply sat there, fists clenching tighter and tighter with each word from L's mouth, and Mello didn't ignore his pleading looks out of spite at all. Most of all, Mello was NOT secretly wishing he was alone with Near.

Seriously, you don't need to tell him how far into denial he's gone.

"Does your son often eat potato chips after dinner?" L asked, nibbling his thumb.

Tensely, Chief shook his head.

"Good. I wouldn't want for Raito's ass to get ruined by chip fat."

Sighing, Mello vowed to distract himself. Even watching a pompous jerk eating potato chips was better than thinking about Near.

_'Tch, 's not like you can stop doing that.'_

"It doesn't look like he has anything murderous in his room," Chief offered hopefully.

"You know perfectly well criminals hide their weapons," Mello said, violently snapping his chocolate. "Hell, everyone does."

"Indeed. Mello keeps both his guns close," L mused, eyes fixated on their suspect.

"…but I only have…"

"Mello does not wish to finish his sentence."

After staring alertly into space for a minute, Raito dramatically opened the bag of consommé potato chips. Chuckling, he carefully positioned the bag on his desk, opening an exercise book. Algebra, he was studying algebra. The camera on Raito's lamp made it possible for Mello to read the equations, but they were so easy his mind went back to Near. Rolling his eyes, Mello slouched in his chair, watching their suspect consume potato chip after potato chip. They were sharp and pointy, like shards of broken glass. Maybe if Mello threw a bottle at Near…

"…wait a minute," the blonde gasped, sitting up. Without another word, he sprinted to the kitchen. L's random cravings didn't fail him, as they never did. Several packets of potato chips waited. Grinning, he dashed back to his place between L and Chief, opening the bag. Proudly studying a potato chip, his eyes skimmed back and forth between the screen. "Those chips he's eating – they've been crushed by something."

"Yes," L agreed, dragging his thumb along his bottom lip. "However, we cannot see any traces of anything other than potato chips within the bag." His eyes widened as Raito's potato chip consumption became a drama. "…Raito certain is getting into them. Perhaps I shall become a potato chip."

"Ryuuzaki!" Chief protested, before falling silent. Taking in five deep breaths, his eyes fell on the potato chip between Mello's fingers. "It is a valid point for consideration. But Ryuuzaki's right, we don't have any evidence. Tomorrow morning is garbage day, too, so we never will get to check."

Smirking, Mello brought to potato chip to his lips and ate it. "Nah, but it's enough to stop me from ruling him out completely."

"Mello, Ryuuzaki, Chief! The three criminals just shown on the news have died!" Matsuda called from the other room. "No one here was watching it!"

"It's the same here," Chief replied, somewhere between relief and concern.

Stretching, Mello shoved the bag of potato chips at the chief. "Get Watari to remove the cameras, then. I'm going to sleep."

"With Near, or with Matt?" L questioned, eyes never leaving Raito's face.

"…I'm gonna ignore that, 'cos you're L," the blonde announced, desperately trying to cover his blush.

As it turned out, Mello slept alone. This was after he kicked Matt out of his room, which took a terrible hour. After the comment about being like a dog, Matt had started howling like one. Eventually, Mello had stormed out, gun aimed at the Nintendo DS.

Matt left quietly after that.

Well… to be more accurate, Mello slept alone for about half the night.

As with most manic geniuses who eat too much sugar, Mello really didn't need much sleep. What he needed was lots of chocolate. So much that it was no wonder he tip-toed into the kitchen at three a.m. – it was just part of his routine.

What was surprising was tripping over a small figure half a metre from the kitchen.

"Goddammit Near!" Mello hissed, sitting up. That fall was completely ungraceful, humiliating, and it just had to be around Near. "What the hell are you doing?"

Yawning, Near pulled a leg to his chest. "I was waiting for you."

Huffing, Mello climbed to his feet, grabbing a bar of chocolate. Not surprisingly, Near followed. "Whatever. Now what do you want?"

Silence. Letting the chocolate melt on his tongue, Mello glared. So Near wanted a staring contest? Fine. Mello would win.

_'Nooooo, he wants you like a Black Mage wants Flare!'_

As the voice finished its statement, Near reached up and pulled Mello into a kiss. Unlike the one at Christmas, the blonde was ready. His arms found their way around Near, pulling him closer as their kiss deepened. Somehow, it became such a blur of frantic need that Mello completely forgot about their rivalry. And being the arrogant bitch he was, Near just had to feel the need to break it.

"'Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind; it is abomination'," he quoted smugly.

Growling, Mello ghosted his lips over the deathly pale neck. "Do you even know what sex is?" he countered. It was a valid question, really, even if it sounded pathetic.

"Do you know what subtle is?"

Ooh, that was smooth. Mello would prove he could be equally as smooth. "You're right," he said, shoving Near against the wall none too kindly. Giving him his most piercing gaze (Mello practised with the mirror a lot), he replied through a sneer. "I can't lie with a man like I would a woman." Pause for dramatic effect, Mello told himself. "Good thing I wouldn't lie with a woman then."

_'HAHAHAHA pwn'd.'_

Sealing the promise with a deep kiss, Mello hoped the damn voice would shut up.


	8. Cute Without the 'E'

"CHIEF, CHIEF! I MADE A BREAKTHROUGH!"

Groaning, Mello buried his face deeper into his pillow. He knew perfectly well that said pillow had a heartbeat, skin, and was naked Near, but the point was, he was using naked Near as a pillow, and Near was his, thus, naked Near was his pillow.

"KIRA, KIRA'S A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT!"

"…God, Matsuda…"

Yawning widely, Near opened his eyes. Or so Mello guessed. He couldn't see anything, as he was too busy hiding from Matsuda's stupidity. Feeling fingers weaving into his hair, Mello couldn't contain a purr.

"Good morning," Near said, sounding almost amused. Which probably meant he was. Smug bastard…

"Mornin'." Mello ran his tongue across a nipple, earning a gasp. Victory wasn't just sweet, it was a turn on. "But we're gonna ignore that and stay here."

"Mello, I – "

Silencing him with a deep kiss, Mello trailed his fingers down Near's sides with the barest of touches. As always, he was determined to win. This was the perfect way to get what he wanted, which was his naked Near pillow compliant.

But we all know Near doesn't give up that easily, hence the broken kiss and continuation of his sentence. " – think that we – "

Smirking and raising an eyebrow, the blonde dragged a finger up Near's inner thigh.

" – should definitely stay here."

"That's what I thought you'd think," Mello grinned, mentally throwing a massive victory party. "Now…"

The door burst open, revealing a mood-killing redhead who was going to get a bullet in the brain the second Mello figured out where his pants and therefore gun were. Grinning at them, Matt suddenly burst into song.

"Mellolicious definitious makes the Near go loco!"

"FUCK OFF MATT WE'RE BUSY!"

"Yeah, I can see that," he grinned, "but what I wanna know is why I wasn't invited."

Growling, Mello threw a pillow in Matt's face. "Piss off already!" How could Near stay so calm and uncaring?

"You are correct about two things," Near said suddenly, toying with Mello's hair. To the blonde's horror, it drove his rage away. He needed that rage to beat up Matt! "Mello does drive me crazy, and he is a new level of delicious." A lick emphasised the point.

…wait, what? Turning red, Mello stared. Who was victorious again…?

"BWAHAHAHAHA! Mels, the LOOK on your FACE!" At least Matt was having fun. Mello wouldn't mind as much if they were laughing at someone who deserved it – like Matsuda.

"The look on your mum's back-face," the blonde huffed pathetically.

"Chill, Mels," Matt said around a grin. Out of seemingly nowhere, he pulled out a bar of chocolate. "I don't mind if you're gayer than Michael Jackson and Chris Crocker's love-child."

Glaring furiously, Mello caught the sacrificial bar. This wasn't how it was supposed to turn out, or sound. Dammit, why was everyone so nosey? Why did it even matter? It didn't! It meant nothing to him, and he'd prove it.

_'Dude. Don't. That's like playing GTA without cheats. Bloody stupid and no fun.'_

Taking a bite, Mello sent Near a quick glance, before settling his gaze on Matt. "Quit making such a big deal. This," he gestured to the dishevelled state of his room, "is just stress relief. Doesn't mean anything." Smirking, he spared Near a side-long glance. "Isn't that right?"

At that, Near stiffened, and not in the good way. "…right. Just **_lust_** ," the small boy hissed. Mello couldn't recall ever feeling more threatened, and goddammit, it just HAD to be Near.

But before the blonde could process a reply, the door was slamming closed, and all traces of white were gone.

_Damn that bitch moves fast…_

"You're such a bitch, Mels," Matt scoffed, lighting up a cancer stick.

"Who cares? It's just Near," Mello replied defensively. "He deserves this for everything he's put me through. It's punishment – and I'm teaching him who's boss."

Lifting his gaze, Matt's thumbs continued to strike keys as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Should've known you're into bondage. You kinky slut, Mels."

Stuttering as the blood rushed to his face, Mello yanked the lamp from his bedside. "SHUT THE FUCKING UP MATT OR I'LL RIP YOUR SPLEEN OUT WITH MY BARE HANDS!" he roared as it soared.

Cackling, Matt sprinted out the door, porcelain shards falling.

*

Back in the investigation area, Watari served scoops of ice creams to lift the bags under the men's eyes. To Mello's amazement, and horror, both families were still under close surveillance.

"Didn't I say to get them debugged?" he growled at the chief, snatching the offered ice cream. Unconcerned, Watari approached Matt next, who cheered.

"Yes, Mello," Chief agreed nervously. The blonde was bitchier than usual, and couldn't use PMS as an excuse any longer. "However, Ryuuzaki requested to watch for longer, and…"

"And he's L," Mello finished.

"Precisely."

Glaring at the raven-haired detective lord, Mello stormed over. This was supposed to be his chance to prove his worth to L. How could he do that if L wouldn't continue to ignore the case for his damn hairy Australian bush monsters? "Ryuuzaki. Why'd you do this?"

On screen, Raito was pulling out a magazine. L watched with unblinking fascination. Being the loyal mutt he was, Matt came padding over.

"I never said I would not investigate the Kira case at all," he replied simply, stealing the blonde's ice cream. Anyone else would suffer torture for even considering the theft of something that belonged to Mello. "Yagami Raito is quite fascinating…"

"DUDE! Look at the size of her BOOBS!" Matt cried suddenly, pointing. A camera provided a perfect angle of the magazine, and the massive boobs inside. Pulling a face, Mello glanced away.

"This doesn't fit the profile of Yagami Raito," L mumbled, sounding almost disgusted.

"What doesn't – ohhhh…" Chief started, eyes widening. "Ca… can't we stop watching for ten minutes?"

Shaking his head, L's eyes narrowed. "We must watch at all times."

Snickering, Matt pointed to the prime suspect's bored face. "I've never seen someone so gay in my life." Pause. "…okay, maybe Barbie Princess Mello is gayer."

"WHAT THE FUCK, MATT?!"

"I bet you'd look that bored about boobs too!"

"AS FUCKING IF, I'D JUST…"

"Oh, you only want _Near_ porn, riiight."

"Y-you… you…" Clenching his fists, Mello wondered whether or not he could shatter those fucking goggles.

"Chief Yagami," L suddenly spoke up, draining Mello of his rage. Anything L had to say was worth listening to, even if it was about bush monsters. "Look at how bored your son's face is."

"Dammit Ryuuzaki, I don't want to look at…" Chief trailed off, jaw dropping in shock and horror. Naturally, he looked anyway. "…you're right. That's not normal."

"Not for a heterosexual male," L agreed. "There is a ninety-nine-point-nine percent chance that your son is homosexual."

Silence covered them as all eyes fell on the stunned chief. How badly was he going to react? Would he sent Raito to one of those 'correction' camps? Would he suddenly declare that he had no son?

"My Raito… a gay…" A bright smile crossed the chief's face. Blinking, Mello exchanged a bemused glance with Matt. "I'm so proud!"

"Don't'cha wish your parents were that accepting, Mels?" Matt cooed. His face was immediately introduced to Mello's fist.

*

Today was Raito's time to shine. Not as Kira, but as the world's best student. He was so going to ace these entrance exams, with the highest scores in the history of the universe, and the best hair.

The very first exam was English. A cinch for Raito. If he could translate page after page of Death Note rules, he could translate anything.

Plus, his hair looked even more fabulous than usual today. A good omen.

The first question asked for a translation of the English sentence 'Today their was five apples in my house.'

Raito froze in horror. Did they know?! Had L rigged the exam to test his reaction? Was this more than exam… was it an exam in being not Kira?

'Kyo wa 5 ringo boku no uchi no naka ni arimasu,' he wrote. No, L couldn't be rigging this. Just yesterday he had removed the spy cameras and bugs. Ryuk had feasted in celebration – twenty-five apples. This didn't involve L at all.

A violent snap sounded behind him, breaking his concentration. Shaking his head in a way that wouldn't mess up his hair, Raito tried to recover his train of thought.

Twitching, Raito glanced around the room. Nothing. Sighing disapprovingly, he bent back over his exam.

It was coming from behind him! What kind of moron was making that noise, and what was his name?

"Student number 144, please stop eating!"

"Shut up, at least I know proper English!"

That voice… who was that? Glancing over his shoulder, Raito positioned his pencil over a slip of Death Note paper. Immediately he gasped and froze, pen twitching hesitantly.

Smirking around a bar of chocolate, the blonde waved as Raito wrote frantically.

' _Mello Blau has a heart attack at 14:30.'_

*

As he found his way back to HQ, Mello couldn't help but count. Not the number of cars or people, but how long since he'd seen Near. _Pathetic..._ he thought, but he did it anyway. Approximately fifty-eight hours he concluded as the building came into sight. Was that good or bad?

' _Loooooooove siiiiiiiiiick.'_

Mello couldn't decide for sure. The second he decided it was bad, he felt weak and dependant. Neither were desirable traits, and there was no way a weak person who was dependant on others could become the next L. Mello _was_ going to become the next L, dammit, and he was never weak. He didn't need anyone.

But when he decided Near's absence was good, he was suddenly... something. Something he didn't know how to describe. It was like being shoved out into a midnight blizzard. Cold, dark, biting, and he couldn't help but wonder, why? What was the point in enduring this? Why would wanting nothing to do with _Near_ be so blinding?

Mello didn't know the right answers, or any answers. The subject was baffling and distracting. He'd just ignore it and focus on catching Kira, and becoming L. Everything about Near was too distracting now that Mello had seen what it was like when his rival had come alive. And what he could never deny was how badly he wanted to see an alive Near again.

Setting his scowl in place, Mello stormed out of the elevator. Immediately, Matt pounced.

"MEL-MEL!"

"GET THE FUCK OFF NOW!"

"How was the exam?" Matt questioned brightly, obeying without a comment. Narrowing his eyes, Mello wondered what Watari had been letting Matt drink.

"It was easy," he dismissed. "They don't know the difference between 'there' and 'their', or 'practice' and 'practise'. Fuckwits." Gesturing for Matt to follow, Mello found the team on their respective computers, Near included and L excluded. Mello quickly assured himself that the flutter was because L was gone, not Near's presence.

"MELLO-YELLOW THE MARSHMELLO KNOWS ALL BITCHES, SO YOU'D BETTER SPEAK PROPER!" Matt suddenly yelled, instantly drawing the attention of the NPA. Near remained with his back turned.

"...the FUCK, Matt?!"

"You're right, Dear Near the Queer is more of a marshmallow," Matt mused, studying the turned back. He took a step closer. "Aww, he's so cute! Don't'cha wanna just go over there and eat 'im?"

Growling, Mello grabbed Matt's arm. "Don't you DARE," he hissed, shoving the hyper redhead away from his rival.

"Meeeeeeels, take a jooooooooke," Matt whined.

Exchanging a look with Aizawa, Chief decided to step in. "Now, Mello, be careful with how you approach Raito. He's a sensitive boy."

"By 'sensitive' do you mean 'paranoid'?" the blonde countered, raising an eyebrow.

"No, he's just... cautious around strangers," Chief replied nervously.

"Mello can't recognise paranoia," Near suddenly voiced, back still turned.

"I am NOT paranoid!"

An awkward silence fell.

"...so how're you going to get Raito to trust you?" Aizawa asked. Staring at the afro, it took Mello a second to comprehend the question.

"I dunno. We already planned that I'd call myself L, right?" he shrugged.

"Awww, it's a dream come true, huh Mels?" Matt smirked, throwing an arm around the blonde. "Next you'll lose your posture and get even more into yaoi!"

"I hate yowies," Mello snapped, conspiracy senses tingling.

"BLASPHEMY!" Matsuda shrieked, clinging to his computer screen.

Chief stroked his moustache thoughtfully. "Mello, Raito has a passion for tennis."

"Good for him, I don't."

"I suggest you ask him to play a game after the entrance ceremony," Chief concluded. "It would do you both some good."

Sighing, Mello found he just couldn't be bothered fighting right now. He didn't know why, but he felt so... drained. Everything was too much effort. It was the exam. It had to be. Nothing else.

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever," he said wearily, padding towards the door. "Matt, tell Near to look into people with chip fetishes whose last names spelt backwards are 'I'm a gay'."

"Near, look into people with chip fetishes whose last names spelt backwards are 'I'm a gay'."

Mello imagined Near rolling his eyes at that. "Matt, tell Mello that I have and that he's a petty melodramatic bitch."

Snorting, Matt shook his head. "Heeeeell no, I ain't your bitch!"

Chuckling victoriously, Mello beckoned for Matt to follow. Grinning from ear to ear, the redhead followed.

"Where're we going?"

"Tokyo, duh," the blonde snorted. "I'm bored, and my brain hurts. I can't work in the same room as that albino freak."

"Maybe you should'n't've offended him," Matt yawned, pulling out his DS. It seems his hyperactivity had worn off. "I've been meaning to ask, how was it?"

Turning red, Mello suddenly became fascinated with the elevator buttons. "W-who cares?"

"I do! I want the details," Matt complained loudly. "At least tell me who was seme."

Seme? Semeru... to attack. Who was on top. Mello's blush deepened. If he admitted it, he'd never live it down. "It's none of your business!"

"I guess Near's weak, so it'd have to be you," Matt continued thoughtfully. "Unless he had something like fluffy handcuffs."

"...they weren't fluffy..."

Matt spluttered. "MELLO! YOU WERE THE UKE?!"

"SHUT UP MATT! He's really fast! I dunno where he pulled the cuffs from, but he did!" the blonde roared, glaring furiously.

For several seconds, Matt just stared, like it was all too good to be true. Then he exploded laughing, ignoring the yelling, humiliated blonde.


	9. 2 B A Master

Exams were over, and the entrance ceremony had begun. Fuming, Mello sat behind the over neat figure of his prime suspect, hating him more than ever. One hundred on every single exam across the curriculum. That was exactly what Mello had proudly achieved, and for once, he was ready to be number one. Now he had to share that title with this son of a bitch with ridiculously glossy and neat hair. Mello would show him – he'd reveal Raito as Kira, and show him for the pathetic, twisted, bastard he truly was.

' _That's one damn sexy bastard, Mels… can't we let him go for being so damn hot?'_

"No way in hell," the blonde muttered, wishing Raito would spontaneously combust. Right after Mello slapped him across the face with the evidence.

"Now, our freshman representatives will make their speeches," the droning principal announced. Rolling his eyes, Mello stood up, following Raito to the stage. How many poles did this bastard have shoved up his ass?

Pulling out what appeared to be a map, Raito unfolded it to reveal a speech. Groaning, Mello slouched, glaring out at the gossiping crowd. No doubt they were marvelling over his sexy foreign self. If it was Near, they'd be freaking out over how a kid had beaten them all. It didn't help that Near looked so tiny and fragile wrapped in his large pyjamas, curled around himself and twirling his hair so adorably. Would Near even be able to handle this? Surrounded by so many people, all staring at him, all wanting to beat him… no, Near would just ignore them. Mello was the one who didn't want Near to face that. He was the only one with the right to beat Near. No one else was allowed to even think about trying.

"…and I look forward to studying with you all," Raito concluded with a fake smile, bowing. Applause and cheers broke out for a minute, and all gazes turned expectantly to the blonde prodigy.

Rolling his eyes, Mello approached the microphone. "I'm sixteen years old and I totally kicked all your asses," he announced, giving a smile. Stepping back, he sent the stunned Raito a victorious smirk, before following him back towards their seats.

"Yo, Yagami Raito," Mello started, pausing as he tried to remember his speech. No doubt Near would have no issues dishing it out. "I forgot to mention. I'm L."

Raito froze midstep, jaw dropping and eyes widening. Pulling out a bar of chocolate, Mello ignored the staring crowd and ate while the so-called genius stared into space.

"Yagami, you're being really annoying."

Still staring.

"Okay, seriously! Cut it out, you moron!"

"…I have a gun in my pants with your name on it."

"It is a pleasure to finally meet you, L," Raito suddenly said, shaking Mello's hand. His palm was sweaty. Disgusted, Mello wiped his hand on his pants. Tossing the crumpled wrapper at a random girl, he stormed to his seat.

"Yeah, whatever, your dad's a freak. A sweaty freak," he muttered, mind lingering to Near. That couldn't be healthy, and would probably get him killed some day, but that was how it had been since Mello had met Near.

…that sounded really, really adoring… no, Mello despised Near. Always would. Nothing could change their rivalry.

"I would very much like to assist in the investigation of the Kira case," Raito announced proudly.

"I bet you would," Mello muttered. Sitting down, he found himself tempted to draw a knee to his chest. Shaking himself, he sent Raito a knowing glance. "But we're not talking about that now, you fuckwit."

Sitting down sheepishly, Raito stared to the front, a bead of sweat falling from his brow.

*

It was kind of sad, but the classes at Wammy's were harder than the university ones. Pathetic, rather. If a bunch of orphans know more than a country's brightest, adult pupils, there really is something wrong. That was exactly what would have been going through Mello's blonde, blonde mind.

Of course it never occurred to Mello that perhaps the system at Wammy's was brutal, harsh, and completely unreasonable in its expectations compared to a normal school of pupils who aren't being raised as clones of L.

But such thoughts were too pessimistic, logical, and undesirable for Mello to have. Twirling his hair around the headphones, Near made sure not to miss a comment. It wouldn't pay to ignore what Mello was doing, as he was placing himself in extreme danger. An idiot like Mello would slip up and have his name discovered, and Near had to be there to stop him. That was his reason for the bugs.

Unlike Mello, Near wasn't the type for denial. He wanted to watch so closely purely because he couldn't bear the thought of that idiot blonde getting himself hurt, or killed. Life-threatening danger was always inevitable with Mello, but the least Near could do was try and offer some kind of protection. Just in case. Even if it was just lust to Mello, it wasn't to Near.

*

"Wanna play tennis?"

The question was so sudden, in the middle of a lecture about the criminal mind, that Raito started. This was L, his mortal enemy. A hormonal sixteen-year-old blonde German who should have died after Raito wrote his name. He hadn't, which meant the name he had given out was a fake. Just like the Naomi Misora girl, down to the freakishly tight leather.

The fact that this guy hadn't died when Raito wrote the name given to his sister meant that he was using her. Why? How long had he been a suspect? Were they still onto him?

Yes, but Raito would prove his innocence. It would be easy. L was a kid. He was Yagami Raito, Kira. Kira could never be beaten by a kid.

"Yes," Raito replied with a smile. "I'd enjoy that. But I warn you, I'm good."

A blue glare flashed his way. "I warn you, I despise arrogant people. Like Kira."

Laughing it off sheepishly, Raito swore on the inside all the way to the tennis court.

"Let's just play one set," he suggested, handing the blonde a racket. "We don't have time to go too far into it."

"Yep, sure, whatever," L dismissed. Boredly, he headed to his side of the court, twirling the racket.

Taking that as his cue, Raito served, slamming all his fury down onto the ball.

"MOTHERFUCKER!"

A gunshot rang out.

Eyes wide, Raito stared from the gun in the blonde's hand to the pieces of rubber littering his combat boots. "W-what…?"

Scowling, he shoved the gun into the front of his pants. It was a miracle that it fit. It was terrifying that it didn't show. Were those magical pants from another realm?

"Fuck tennis. Tennis is gay," Mello snapped, throwing his racket at the net. "I wanna talk about Kira. C'mon, fuckwit."

Completely dumbfounded, Raito could only nod and follow. It took him a full minute to recall his casual attire, and another minute to stop shaking and ask. "Can I get changed, Mello?"

"…fine," the blonde huffed, kicking the torn ball. "Be fast or I'll come and shoot you in the teeth."

Sprinting away, Raito paused only to fix his hair.

*

They did not know it, but this was the day when the shinigami Rem entered the human world, carrying the Death Note of the late Gelus. Today was the day in which Misa foolishly recorded and sent the videos to Sakura TV, claiming to be Kira.

Today was the day a woman began to disrupt the yaoi.

*

"Welcome to our shop!"

"This is my favourite coffee shop," Raito announced, gesturing to the very neat, symmetrical café. Even the plants had all the same number of leaves.

"I see why," Mello muttered, following the flouncey boy to a booth.

"Hello," a male waiter greeted with a bright smile and freakishly tight pants. Coming from Mello, you know that's bad. "It would be an honour to take your order."

"Iced chocolate," Mello demanded, scanning over a menu. "And chocolate mud cake."

Still smiling, the waiter took a note. With a smirk, Mello noticed the twitch in his brow. "And what about you, sir?"

"Just a cappuccino, please," Raito replied with a friendly smile.

Eyeing the exchange of smiles, Mello reached out and grabbed the suspect's hand, intertwining their fingers. "Rai-Rai-chan," he cooed affectionately, widening his eyes and batting his lashes. "You promised me no flirting with other guys."

Smile oozing off his face, the waiter turned away and stormed off behind the counter. Grinning victoriously, Mello chucked Raito's hand away and stretched out on his seat.

"…why did you do that?" Raito asked, horrified.

"The gaybo was gonna take you to the backroom and pound your ass," the blonde replied boredly. "I don't care, you need the poles dragged from your ass one way or another, but not when I'm gonna talk about you being Kira. Be a slut in your spare time."

"I am not a slut!" Raito shrieked defensively.

Mello smirked. "But you're Kira, huh?"

"No! What a ridiculous allegation!" the brunette cried, before falling silent, staring into space.

"…beeeecaaaaause…?"

"Because I'm not Kira!"

"But I called you Kira before I called you a slut, and being called Kira is much worser an accusation. So why'd you choose not being a slut over being Kira?"

"Because I'm more likely to be a slut than Kira!"

"So you ARE a slut, and you ARE Kira?"

"ARGH! NO!"

"No to which one?" Mello asked, thoroughly enjoying himself. It was great when he wasn't the one whose temper was being tested.

"Excuse me," a small, bespectacled girl interrupted, holding a cappuccino in one hand, an iced chocolate in the other. Somehow, she managed to balance the enormous slice of cake on her tiny forearm and smoothly spun it to rest in front of Mello. "Thank you very much for your patronage, and I apologise for disturbing you." With a final bow, she scurried back behind the counter.

"Yeeesh," Mello muttered, moodily attacking the cake. Maybe he should've gotten white chocolate, but the half-melted white chocolate brought back memories of a salty, sticky –

"I don't think I can believe that you are L," Raito suddenly announced, stirring his coffee delicately.

"Your last name spelt backwards in romanji is 'I'm a gay'," the blonde countered bitterly. He'd been enjoying his flashback, even if it was the wrong time and place. It kind hurt to get too turned on in leather, too. Which was Near's fault. Completely and utterly Near's fault. Little bitch…

"I don't follow the relevance to the Kira case," Raito frowned. Interesting. Either he hadn't completely understood the English comment, it was still translating in his mind, or Raito was completely at peace with his flamboyantly obvious sexuality. Mello knew this guy was a fuckwit, so he went for a failure to understand English.

"'Kay so," Mello reached into his pocket, pulling out three photocopied notes. "Here're some suicide notes some of Kira's victims left, whaddaya think?"

A long silence followed as Raito stared at each slip of paper. Was he even reading them?

"If you arrange the notes right," the brunette suddenly started, placing them down. "It reads 'L, do you know shinigami only eat apples?' Clearly a message to taunt you, though what it really means… perhaps Kira considers himself a shinigami?"

"Do you?"

Ignoring the question, Raito arranged the notes in accordance to the numbers. "This way, however, it reads 'L, do you only eat apples know shinigami', but what doesn't make logical sense. I doubt Kira would want to send that message to you."

"And how d'ya know?" Mello questioned, pulling a flake of chocolate off the cake. "Maybe Kira is completely insane and dresses horribly. He's probably got really hideous hair, and never washes, too."

Twitching, Raito forced a laugh. It came across as very psychotic. "Maybe, maybe. I just figure an insane man who can't blend into society would stand out as Kira, and he hasn't been caught yet. So Kira must be a regular civilian, right?"

So there were some brains under that terrifyingly neat hair. Eyes narrowing, Mello gestured to the notes. "Is that all you can conclude?"

Raito nodded. "What do you think of my opinion?"

"No good," the blonde replied, pulling out the fake fourth note. "You didn't even consider that the message mightn't be complete. Are you even TRYING to make yourself seem innocent, Kira?"

"I am NOT Kira," the brunette hissed. "I just assumed you wouldn't be holding out on me, Mello."

Snorting, the blonde chucked the note at the brunette. "As if, I hate your guts. You're Kira."

Sighing, Raito shook his head. "I'm not, I just didn't consider all the options, okay? I understand how you could think I'm Kira based off the assumption I made, and…"

"Shut up," Mello yawned. "You screwed up, simple as that. Loser."

Raito opened his mouth and emitted the high-pitched music of 'Barbie Girl'. Both boys exchanged glances, wondering to whom the hideous ring-tone belonged. Wait… that was Mello's jacket that was shaking.

"Dammit Ryuuzaki!" Mello shrieked, answering the phone with a heavy blush and a snarl. "WHAT?!"

A dull ring-tone followed, and Raito pulled out his neat black mobile phone. "Mine too… hello?"

"Mello, something awful has happened!" Matsuda's voice cried. He sounded close to tears. "Chief had a heart attack!"

Eyes widening, Mello hung up. "Raito…"

Trembling, the wide-eyed brunette met Mello's eyes. Terror, a terror Mello understood perfectly well, filled his features. "M-my dad…" he stuttered, breaking off as he rose to his feet.

Grabbing the suspect's arm, Mello lead him to the door. "Come on, they'll be here to pick us up any minute."

Still Raito shook, but he was much more responsive. For the first time, Mello doubted that this boy could be Kira. Wouldn't Kira think of this as being one less investigator, father or not father?

"Mello."

Glancing up, Mello found himself face-to-face with L. A limousine hung behind him. Had he been that spaced out?

"I will take it from here, Mello," the super-detective deadpanned. "Please go back to headquarters and wait for me there."

"Sure, Ryuuzaki," the blonde replied, though he wondered why L was taking such an interest in their prime suspect. It was L, though, so there was no way his motives could be sinister.

*

Yagami Raito was divine, L concluded with one hundred percent certainty. That was one delicious hunk of man, and he would become L's. But first, the detective would have to establish trust and friendship. Meaning, he had to be social. Quite a terrifying thought, but for an ass like Raito's? It would be well worth it.

"Yagami Raito-kun, am I correct?" L asked smoothly, watching the boy closely. He was quickly regaining his composure from the shock.

"Yes," the sexy brunette replied, left lifting his hazel eyes to meet L's. "Do you work with my father?"

"That is correct."

Silence followed, but their eyes didn't waver. "That blonde, Mello… is he truly L?"

Perfect. Raito opened the opportunities for L himself. "No, Mello does not possess the composure to be or become L," he replied, biting his thumb eagerly. "L is a title, Raito-kun. The original L is still alive, but he has become a legend. A legend which cannot die. For this reason, L is training a series of successors. Brilliant orphans raised to become the next L, fighting for the title."

Hazel eyes widened. "Raised to become L, I see… does that mean Mello is in the lead?"

A wry smile crossed L's lips. "No, but I have said far too much, Raito-kun. It would fare horribly for me to lose any more successors."

Jaw dropping, Raito shifted closer subconsciously. L fought back a grin. "You… you are the real L?"

"Correct. A pleasure to meet you, Raito-kun," the detective replied, holding out a hand. Raito accepted, and L took pleasure in the soft, smooth touch. "What I would very much like is for you to start assisting us in the investigation of Kira, Raito-kun."

Eyes flashing with triumph, Raito nodded eagerly. L wondered if the poor boy could be any more obvious. On one hand, it could be viewed as his dream of becoming a detective coming true. On the other, it was Kira's first step on the road to victory.

But Kira wouldn't win, oh no. Kira would lose himself along the way to yaoi, like so many other before him.

_Just wait, Raito-kun. Just wait._


	10. Touched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter spoils the ending of Final Fantasy X. why, you might wonder. me too. it's literally not at all relevant what the fuck. i think i just wanted to have Matt make game references but i've played like 4 games that aren't Pokemon in my life.

Chief Yagami was conscious and talking to his wife when they arrived. Raito was filled with a surge of relief. It was foolish, but he had forgotten that heart-attacks could come about naturally. It seemed the entire world was forgetting about heart-attacks as anything but God's will. A man who has a heart-attack is an evil man.

"Raito," his parents gasped simultaneously, before breaking into warm smiles. His heart skipped a beat, replacing his blood with guilt, but the moment passed quickly. He was doing the right thing. He was saving the world.

"Please excuse me, son," his mother requested, shuffling out of the hospital room.

"Father, you're okay?" the brunette questioned, approaching swiftly.

"How very sweet," Ryuk cackled. "Maybe next time you'll be the cause, eh Raito?"

Ignoring how badly he wanted to yell, Raito listened to his father's strained response.

"Yes, son. It's because I've been working myself too hard, and I'm not in my prime any longer, am I?" Chuckling, Soichirou patted his son on the head. Subtly, Raito fixed his hair. "I haven't had a good night's sleep in months, something like this was bound to happen."

"Indeed," the raven-haired L broke in. "Chief Yagami should inform Near and Mello that he needs more sleep."

Baffled, Raito's father eyed the mysterious man cautiously. "Ryuuzaki, we shouldn't speak of these things…"

"It's fine, Chief Yagami," the-man-with-too-many-names deadpanned. "I have informed your son that I am the true L."

"Is he really?" Raito checked. It was fine for him to do so, wasn't it? After all, two foreigners had informed him they were L today. Raito knew which one he preferred.

"Yes, Raito," Soichirou admitted with a sigh. "This is L." Hesitating, he closed his mouth. Did that mean there was more to this L than there was to Mello?

"I wish for Raito-kun to assist in the investigation, Chief Yagami," L announced, like it was nothing. "Mello may suspect Raito-kun of being Kira, but I know better."

What had been looking like a terrible day was soon unravelling to become great. "I'm very glad to hear that, L… or is it Ryuuzaki in public?"

"Yes, Raito-kun. You catch on quickly."

"N-now hold on, Ryuuzaki!" Chief protested, breaking out into a thin sweat. "Raito, you're so young, and this case is so dangerous… Kira can kill so easily, I don't want you at risk here. There will be other cases."

"But Father, I want to help with _this_ case!" Raito whined. "This is the biggest case in the history of the world. There will never be a case like the Kira case!" Not to mention Raito was determined to get away with it, meddlesome kids or not. Forcing a smile, he gripped his father's hand. "Father, I promised that if anything were to happen to you, I would be the one to catch Kira and send him to the gallows."

Eyes brimming with adoring tears, Soichirou nodded proudly at his son. "I know, Raito. I know." For a second, Raito thought they could leave it at that, and he could go back to killing criminals. What an incredible rush… not even sex could possibly be as satisfying. "We all know Kira is evil, Raito. But perhaps… the true evil in this world, is the ability to kill. To have that power is too tempting. Someone with that power… someone who uses it as regularly and blindly as Kira… they are to be pitied."

Dumbfounded, Raito could only stare. Since when had his father been so deep? As the words sunk in, his shock was washed away by rage. What did his father, a member of the corrupt justice system, know about pity and evil? Nothing compared to Raito, to Kira.

"I agree, Chief Yagami," L mused, nibbling his thumb. "Kira is truly worthy of pity…"

Fuming, Raito forced a nod. These morons… they knew nothing about his world. "I understand."

Knocking nervously on the door, the nurse poked her head in. "I'm sorry to intrude, but… visiting hours are over."

Grasping Raito's sleeve, L turned his slouched back. "I hope you are well soon, Chief Yagami. Come, Raito-kun."

With a swift farewell, Raito was dragged away by the intriguing detective. He didn't pose a threat, right? Didn't that mean Raito could keep him around?

*

" _Hide, Mihael!"_

Stepping out of the elevator, the blonde hung his head. _Go away, Vater…_

" _Don't be stupid! Quickly now, and don't make a sound!"_

Huffing, Mello kicked the door open. "I'M BACK, IDIOTS AND MATT!"

As his games were distracting, the team had dumped Matt, a TV, and several consoles in the entrance. Glancing up, Matt cooed; "Hi honey, I made your favourite. Roast chocolate with chocolate!" Extending a bar of Lindt, the redhead flashed him a grin.

Snatching it, Mello decided to humour his friend. Anything to distract himself. "Thanks, babe," he grinned, unwrapping the chocolatey bliss. "But it's not chocolate I'm hungry for." Giving a saucy wink, he took a large bite.

Giving a long suffering sigh, Matt shook his head. "No, you're hungry for Near. My poor, blonde MarshMello… stolen and consumed by his love for the N-man." Smirking at the twitching blonde, Matt calmly sauntered back to _Final Fantasy_ land, victory music blaring.

Storming into the computer rooms, Mello threw himself into the first available chair. Immediately, the NPA officers pounced.

"THE CHIEF! THE CHIEF!" Matsuda shrieked, before collapsing into sobs. "WHO WILL MAKE SPINACH BALLS NOW?!"

A moment was spared to laugh at the expense of Matsuda's anguish before the questioning continued.

"Do you still suspect Raito-kun?" Aizawa's afro asked.

"More than ever," Mello replied, grinding the chocolate between his teeth. Was he really being consumed by love? Mello had barely spoken to Near since they'd slept together. It had happened so fast… too fast. It was too much, and Mello kept flicking between wanting and fearing. This was his rival, his enemy. How could he forget that, love or no love?

"But Raito-kun is such a nice boy!"

"He's so sweet!"

"SPIIINAAAAACH BAAAAAAAALLLLLS!"

Sighing heavily, Mello pulled the gun from his pants. Gasps rang out. "I'm REALLY not in the mood for this shit right now!" he growled, flicking the safety off, then back on.

"One must wonder how Mello fits that in the front of his pants," a soft voice to his right cut in, making Mello's heart beat faster. "And what he is compensating for."

Snarling, Mello threw his gun at his rival. It missed, only making him angrier. "YOU SHOULD KNOW, DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU – "

"DETAILS! FINALLY!" Matsuda squeed, immediately forgetting his spinach ball angst.

Realising what he had been saying, a blush consumed the blonde's face. Glancing over his shoulder, Near gave him a tiny smirk, before turning back to his HotWheels.

_Let's see how smug you are when I have **you** chained up and make **you** beg, twisted little sadist…_

Matt's voice didn't need to say anything; Mello's mind had already fallen to the gutter.

_Then I'll take the chocolate and drip it allll over his –_

"MELLO, CAN YOU COME IN HERE AND SHOOT SEYMOUR?! HE WON'T! FUCKING! DIE! BLUE-HAIRED FUCKING SONUVATREE! FOURTH TIME! THIS IS THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME!"

Slapping a hand against his face, the blonde groaned. Matt was completely right – he was being consumed by Near. The little bitch knew, too! That was why he had smiled like that!

"You're a BITCH!" he snapped, throwing a pillow. This one hit its mark. "DON'T SMIRK LIKE THAT YOU… YOU… VINDICTIVE VENOMOUS VIPER!"

Silence followed. Near sent Mello a look – THE look.

"SHUDDUP! IT WAS IN A MOVIE!"

"No, it was in the play Roger made us perform when you were seven years old," his rival replied smoothly. "Christmas of the year you came."

Perhaps Near had meant for the 'came' to stand out. Perhaps he was trying to link back to how long they had known each other. There were many perhaps, but one thing was certain; the statement made Mello's blood turn to ice.

" _Hide, Mihael!"_

" _I don't wanna, it's dark under there."_

" _Don't be stupid! Quickly now, and don't make a sound!"_

Shaking himself, Mello glared at the baffled NPA officers, unable to look at Near. If he spared his rival a glance, he would know.

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLOOOOOO HE'S EATING ALL OF YUNIE'S MP!"

Sighing and rolling his eyes, Mello stormed toward Matt's TV. "You guys keep working," he called over his shoulder. "On… whatever it is you people do."

Sitting down beside the game addict, Mello quickly scanned the screen. A girl holding a stave and two guys with swords against some bluish humanoid monster held up by four CDs.

"…what the fuck?"

"That's Seymour!" Matt cried, quickly flicking through items. "This is the FOURTH time I've had to kill him! Fucking tree won't die!"

Eyeing the screen sceptically, Mello read the stats on screen. "Matt, he's got a thousand HP out of eighty thousand. You're not fooling me."

Grinning, Matt set in a magic spell (Firaga, however that was pronounced), and defeated the strange villain. "Sweet! Overkill!"

"Why'd you call me here?" the blonde huffed, turning away.

"'Cos this game has so much damn corny romantic bullshit," the redhead grinned. For some reason, the brunette girl onscreen started to dance. "Near's totally Yunie there, isn't she adorable? And you're Tidus. Bish King." Pointing to a muscular bottle blonde, Matt wiggled his eyebrows. "They made out in a sphere spring in Macalania Woods. Like… underwater. Or maybe they were flying? I dunno. It was kinda lame. This is such a chick's game, you'd love it."

Promptly, Mello smacked his BFFL upside the head. "I AM NOT A FUCKING GIRL OR ANYTHING LIKE ONE! JUST BECAUSE I HAVE NICE HAIR…!"

Snickering, Matt handed Mello a bar of chocolate. "I have twenty more. All yours if you sit and watch 'til the end."

Perking, the blonde stretched out. "Deal. Make it as fast as possible."

"Sure, Mels. Time for legendary weapons and armour!"

Rolling his eyes, Mello settled back for hours of gaming, letting his mind wander.

*

Demegawa Hitoshi stood in the lobby of Sakura TV, waiting. It took a lot of nerve to demand the channel director wait, but Kira obviously had a lot of nerve. Brilliant, Kira was absolutely brilliant. Who else could lure in millions of viewers with just a name?

On the phone, the butchered voice requested that he wait here at two in the after noon. Kira would send the message with a random Sakura TV worker, who was in no way affiliated with him. All Demegawa had to do was play the tapes at the required times, and never tell the police the identity of whoever handed the tapes over.

It didn't matter to him. What he cared about were the ratings. A message from Kira…! They were looking at one hundred percent ratings! How awesome was that?!

Oh yes, so long as Kira continued to hand his messages to Sakura TV, Demegawa would have no issues with the man. Kill whoever he wanted, whatever. Demegawa would even hand his mother over, just keep the ratings going.

"Kyaa! Demegawa-san! Demegawa-san!"

Turning around, Demegawa recognised the small, svelte form of their rising tarento, Amane Misa. Eyes bright and sparkling, she promptly handed over a brown briefcase.

"Kira-sama sends his regards! Thank you very very very very very _very_ much, Demegawa-san!" she seemed to glisten, before turning on her heel and running.

So that was Kira.

Suddenly, Demegawa found himself much more interested in Kira…

*

Choking back a sob, Yuna desperately ran after the fading Tidus. Giving a cry as she approached, Tidus turned, opening his arms to embrace the Summoner. Smiling faintly, thinking she'd gotten her way, Yuna opened her arms to cling… only to run right through him, falling to the floor. Tears flooded her mismatched eyes as pieces of Tidus' soul started to fly away.

Standing up, she swallowed heavily, forcing a smile. Tidus' back was turned, like he couldn't bear to look at what he was losing, so she whispered. So slight, so barely there, it was a miracle he heard.

"I love you."

Grief settling in with his tears, Tidus slowly approached the brunette's turned back, wrapping his tanned arms around her. He's translucent now, not even solid. Clearly the dream he claims to be. Slowly, he passed through her, and walks away.

"Dude," Matt said, nudging the transfixed blonde. Jumping, Mello sent the redhead a glare. "They've got this promise going on, so if one of them whistles, the other comes running, see?"

"Sounds like dogs," Mello scoffed, hiding how appealing it sounded. Maybe if he said that to Near… Shaking his head, Mello returned his attention to the screen. Tidus gave his father a high-five in the middle of the sky, before disappearing into nothing.

Suddenly, an extreme close-up of a blue eye covered the screen. A shrill whistle soon followed as the camera zoomed out, revealing the pretty brunette. Mello felt his stomach twist as he realised she was whistling for him. Scanning the sea, Yuna sighed, before bringing her fingers to her lips again. It was louder this time, more desperate. Nothing.

"Yuna," a voice called. Turning around, she came face-to-face with the short gothic Black Mage, Lulu. "It's time."

Chuckling, Matt handed the blonde another bar. Eyes glued to the screen, Mello unwrapped it and started to chew. Standing on a platform before a crowd of thousands, Yuna slowly scanned, like she was looking for one face.

"Everyone…" she started timidly, dropping her gaze. "Everyone has lost something precious. Everyone has lost homes, dreams, and… and friends." Pausing, she glanced over her shoulder at her surviving friends, before turning back. "Everybody…" Seeming to give up with those words, she said; "Now, Sin is finally dead."

Wild applause broke out. Mello wondered how loudly people would cheer once they defeated Kira.

"Now, Spira is ours again." At this, Yuna smiled. "Working together, we can make new homes for ourselves, and new dreams. Although I know the journey will be hard, we will have lots of time. Together, we will rebuild Spira. The road is ahead of us, so let's start today!"

Seeming excited, she turned to her friends, who smiled brightly at her. Blinking, Yuna whirled back to face the crowd. "Just… one more thing!" Images flashed by as she spoke, memories of her pilgrimage. "The people and the friends that we have lost…" Smiling fondly, her eyes glazed over as she breathed, "or the dreams that have faded… never forget them."

Giving a triumphant whoop, Matt grinned at his friend. "So? How much d'ya love Neary-Queery?"

"Enough," Mello replied smoothly, before scrambling away.

"Oh no you don't!" Matt cried, pouncing. "You didn't even notice L coming back! How many lines're you gonna steal to use on dear Near?"

"GET THE FUCK OFFA ME, MATT! NOW!" Mello screamed, thrashing. "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, NONE, I DUNNO! GETOFFGETOFFGETOFF!"

Chuckling, Mat leant forward to whisper; "You only want Near on top of you, don't'cha uke-babe?"

Before the blonde could begin to scream, he was interrupted.

"Mello, get in here now!"

Jumping to his feet, Matt pulled Mello up. Grabbing the redhead by the goggles, Mello dragged him to the others. Crowded around a television, they stared at the gothic letter spelling out 'KIRA'.

"Oh shit," he breathed, running closer.

"Hey guys, my name is Kira!" the machine-slaughtered voice announced. "Those of you who don't believe me, change the channel to number 4! I'll wait!"

Quickly snatching up the remote, Mello did so. A debate was on.

"Kira is plain evil! What he is doing is cruel, evil, murder!" the speaker announced enthusiastically. Freezing, he gasped, clinging to his heart. Realising what was happening, Mello quickly switched the channel back, sickened.

"My friend at Sakura TV isn't answering!" Aizawa growled, throwing his mobile phone down.

"Keep trying!" Mello ordered, crawling closer. He was crouched beside Near, but it didn't register until the pale hand dropped to his shoulder.

"I did try to warn you," Kira said with a chuckle. Raising an eyebrow, Mello wondered if anyone else noticed the switch of formality. "Now that we have established who I am, you must become aware. Like, I so don't like it when people diss me! What I'm doing is _really_ great for the world! Any who oppose me, they should, like, totally DIE!"

"DAMMIT!" Ukita cried, expressing Mello's own opinion. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS! I am going to STOP THIS BROADCAST!"

"Wait," Near started quietly, but the door was already slamming. His hand on Mello's shoulder clenched.

"I would like the Japanese Police to know, that I am not against them. I do not wish to fight them," Kira announced smoothly.

"Watari!" Mello yelled, turning to the old man. "Bring in a TV or two extra!"

"Right away, Mello," he replied, walking to the closet.

"I believe if we work together, creating the new world, a world with no evil, will be a much easier task," the murdering bastard continued smugly. "I will clean the world of scum, I will be the force that purges. Together, we will triumph."

Plugging two more televisions in, Watari set them to alternate news channels. One was the scene outside Sakura TV. Collapsed in front of the building, was that…?

"A person! There's a person outside the studio – they look dead!" the news woman cried hysterically.

"Ukita…" Matsuda breathed, paling.

"I'm going to him!" Aizawa cried, starting to storm away.

"No you're not!" Mello cried, pulling the gun from his pants. "I'm going down there, and I'm going to shoot the fucking crap out of Kira with my bare hands!" Too furious to understand the lack of sense, Mello rose to his feet. But as he started to walk away, he found a pale vice-grip on his wrist.

"If you go," Near said, iciness sounding forced, "you will die." Raising his gaze, he met Mello's eyes. "Please think logically. Kira is killing with just a face now. There is nothing we can do but learn from this."

Swallowing heavily, Mello sat back down beside Near, glaring at the screen. For some reason, his heart wasn't beating nearly as fast now.

"Oh! Look! A van has attacked the Sakura TV building!" the reporter on the left television cried. But Kira continued to speak, absorbing Mello's attention.

"I will wait three days for the reply of the NPA. Work with me, or against me. There is no middle ground," Kira concluded. "That's it! Until later, love you guys unless you're the scum of the world! Bye-bye!"

Silence fell. Swallowing heavily, Mello quickly ran over the broadcast in his mind. Either Kira had multiple personality disorder or these were two completely different people. One sounded like a preppy girl, the other a business man. But neither seemed to match the profile of Kira… Were they copycats?

" _I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie wooooorld! Life in plastic, it's fantastic!"_

Groaning once more, Mello pulled his phone from his pants. Sending the laughing Matt a vicious glare, he quickly answered.

"What?"

"Mello, this is Chief Yagami," the other line panted. To Mello's surprise, he found Near leaning closer, their cheeks almost pressed together. "I have stopped the broadcast and obtained the tapes."

Allowing a grin to cross his face, the blonde nodded. "You actually did something good." Pausing and switching his tone to nonchalant, Mello added; "Shouldn't you be in hospital? Since you're sick and all."

His response was a chuckle. "I haven't felt more alive in years! I'll be back as soon as possible."

"Please hang on a second," Near requested, leaning away and reaching upwards. Following his arm, Mello watched Near's hand thrust into Matt's pocket.

"Whoa! Eager little bitch, aren't ya?"

"MATT YOU BASTARD I'LL FUCKING RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB YOU FUCKING… FUCK! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" Mello screamed, flying at Matt. Lucky for the redhead, Aizawa grabbed him.

"I didn't DO anything!"

"LIKE FUCKING HELL YOU DIDN'T YOU ESP FREAK! I'LL SLAUGHTER YOU! I'LL – "

"Mello," Near cut in softly. "I was getting Matt's phone." To support his claim, he held up the charm-covered red phone. Flipping it open, the pale boy dialled a number.

"…oh… right…" Mello mumbled sheepishly. Turning bright red, he thrust his phone at Matsuda. Throwing a fit like that would have completely confirmed his feelings for Near to everyone. Matt was too busy smirking to be angry, he noted as he sunk to the floor. Near hadn't seemed angry, but that didn't say anything. Was that a good or bad sign? Right now, shouldn't he be focusing on this case? If he could remember what part of the case…

"Matsuda, hand me Mello's phone," Near ordered, snatching before it could be offered. "Chief. Please walk out the front door fifteen minutes from now. Do not question it – you will be safe."

Without another word, he hung up, tossing the phone back to Mello. "You should change your ringtone."

Grumbling, the blonde crossed his arms over his chest. "Is it just me, or are there at least two Kiras now?"

"I suspect that there are three," Near replied, toying with Optimus Prime. "But yes, we can be certain that there are two different Kiras. From that video, which is an un-Kira thing to send, I conclude that neither are the original Kira."

"Plus they were both using completely different forms of speech," Mello cut in. "One was using the plain form of verbs and the other used the 'masu' form."

"Yeah, I picked up on that too," Aizawa offered, patting his afro.

"I wanted to talk to the Chief!" Matsuda whined.

Ignoring him, Mello's eyes flickered to the NHN channel. The entire Sakura TV building was surrounded in armoured blue. From head to toe of each police officer was covered. Brilliant… if Kira couldn't see them, he couldn't kill them. "So this was your plan," he murmured to his rival.

"Yes."

"Look! The police, they're all working together so well!" the reporter announced brightly. A blank screen covered her, before being replaced with the station's logo. "This is… truly an amazing sight! I have never seen the NPA so dedicated." A long pause followed by a sigh. "I must say… it's obvious what their answer is. They will fight Kira! And… I'll put myself at risk here to say… that this is right! This is what we should do! Kira is an evil murderer – he is not justice! This is the correct stance for Japan to take. I'm Tanakabara Kouki – goodnight, Japan."

Almost an hour later, Chief Yagami returned. Carrying a clear bag, he handed the tapes to Near.

"Aren't I trust worthy enough?!" Mello snapped, glaring from chief to rival.

"No, you're not," Near replied with a faint smirk. "Aizawa, these are the original. Please take them to be analysed by forensics."

"Right away," Aizawa replied, pulling latex gloves on before accepting. "I have a friend in forensics." What was with this guy and friends? Why did he brag about them so much? The fact that people weren't always scared away by his afro despite common beliefs?

"Mello and I shall watch these copies," Near announced, sending the blonde a look, "alone."

Cackling, Matt slung an arm over Mello's shoulder. "You gonna actually do any watchin', aaaaaaaaye?"

Smacking the redhead, Mello wrestled him out the door. Sending Matsuda (who clung to the chief adoringly) a glare, he gestured. With a whimper and wet pants, the childish man ran out. Chief Yagami followed calmly.

"Thanks and all," Mello muttered as he passed.

"It was worth it," he replied, before closing the door.

The silence that fell was tense and awkward. Nibbling his lip, Mello hung by the door, wanting to run just so he wouldn't be crushed by the silence. Why did Near demand that they both watch the tapes, at the same time, in the same room? Judging from how he was positioned on the sofa, Near's plan was to even sit on the same couch. Mello couldn't be that close to Near without losing his mind – being in the same room was bad enough.

"We should get started," Near finally spoke up, pulling another Transformer from the side of the couch.

"Don't boss me around, little shit," Mello huffed, inserting the first tape. Immediately, the gothic 'KIRA' consumed the screen.

"Hiya guys! This is Kira here, and here's my proof!" the impolite one announced, breaking off into a giggle. "Okay, so, there's this really nasty and ugly reporter, who's all corrupt and shop-lifting and stole some boyfriends." It was obvious whose boyfriend by the grinding of teeth. "So, at one p.m. on the day of the broadcast, Takada Kiyomi will die of a heart-attack!"

Pulling out his phone once more, Mello sent the name to Matt with an order of 'confirm date and time of death' via text message.

"Seeeee? That nasty boy-grabbing slut's died! Isn't the world better now? You'd better play the tapes or you're next, Demegawaaaaaaa!"

The video cut out.

"How many people would know the names of people who work at a television station?" Mello asked in disgust. "You'd have to be really obsessed, or work there."

"Perhaps one of the Kiras works at Sakura TV," Near murmured, twirling his hair.

' _Yeah Mels, shes dead. 1 p.m. today, from a heartattack. Kira much?'_

"The fact that such a petty criminal died is almost proof that neither of these people are Kira," Near said as Mello inserted the third tape, also marked with a yes. "Kira would not waste his time with a celebrity scandal."

' _Mels, do u model in ur spare time? Amane Misa looks like u.'_

Ignoring the stupid message, Mello focused on the stupid try-hard L lettering. Kira wished he could be as just and brilliant as the great detective.

"It is very great disappointment that you would say 'no'," the formal Kira sighed. "Prepare to be eliminated. Choose between L and the head of the NPA, and make one appear on television, or I will eliminate you all." With a quick chuckle, Kira broke out into muttering; "Eliminate… eliminate… eliminate… eliminate…"

"Fucking creep," Mello shuddered. "I nominate you."

"You don't mean that," Near replied with a yawn. But it wasn't any old yawn – it was a yawn so adorable, it melted Mello's heart and brain simultaneously.

"No I don't… cute…"

This time, it was Near would inserted the tape.

"How could you say no?! As if you would! And you didn't, smart! It's so great that you said yes! I'm so happy!" the feminine Kira cried, giving a loud 'kyaaaa'. "You're the greatest! Now you should prove you mean it by making L appear on TV. No no, we won't kill him, sillies, but just make him do it anyway! Bye-bye now, we'll get utopia happening!"

With this, the tape cut out.

"I hate that girl already," Mello groaned.

"How can you be so sure they are of the female sex?"

"'Cos she kept saying 'ne'," the blonde replied, smirking. It was great to know something Near didn't! "Guys tend to use 'na', and someone who's a mass-murdering bastard trying to control and take over the world has an inferiority complex. So why make yourself more inferior by acting like a girl?" Pausing for a second, he ran over the rant in his head. "Plus she said 'atashitachi', and what kind of self-respecting boy would use the teenage girl pronoun?"

Nodding, Near's twirling increased. "I understand. Given those points, I agree."

Mello felt the urge to say something, but the words wouldn't come. It was torturous – Mello had spent his whole life learning language after language so he would never be lost for words in any place, and here he was, dumbstruck.

"We should inform the others of our findings," Near murmured, climbing to his feet.

"Whatever," Mello muttered back, roughly piling the tapes together. If Near was going to distract him from his thoughts, he wasn't worth shifting through languages for.

*

"Yaaaaaay!" Misa cried, clapping happily. "They played our tape! We rock, Teru-Teru! Misa-Misa is soooo happy!"

Eyes gleaming red and pen flicking dramatically, Mikami muttered "eliminate" over and over under his breath. It had been creepy at first, but Misa soon got used to it. After all, Mikami was Misa's partner in crime. He was the one who brought the stunned, just-got-saved-by-a-shinigami Misa to her senses and made her run. Now here they were, united under the name of Kira, determined to prove to God that they were his angels!

"Kira-sama will love Misa-Misa, won't he?" Misa asked, eyes wide.

"Eliminate… eliminate… eliminate…"

Pouting, Misa turned her gaze to their skeletal shinigami. "Rem-san?"

"I am sure Kira will adore you, Misa," Rem replied, ever androgynous. Rem's voice was so manly, but Rem claimed to be a girl! Misa didn't understand it. "But… shouldn't you be using the Death Note for yourself, not for Kira?"

"There is no greater cause than justice," Mikami cut in, pausing to eliminate more criminals. "And there is no justice greater than Kira – God."

"OHMYGOD Teru-Teru you're soooo right!" Misa squeed. "Plus, we have the eyes! We'll be Kira's greatest tools!"

"GOD WILL LOVE US!" Mikami agreed, clapping excitedly with a girlish shriek.

"KIRA, HERE WE COME!"


	11. Nobody's Home

In the Yagami household at the time of the broadcast, Sayu was moping in her room, Sachiko was at the hospital, and Raito was in his room, writing names as Ryuk consumed apples at record pace.

"I'm tellin' ya Raito, there things are better than sex!" the shinigami cried, moaning.

To cover this disgusting conversation, Raito turned the television on. Flicking through channels, he went to Ryuk's favourite – Sakura TV – and settled down to a nice, quiet afternoon of revolution.

"Hey guys, my name is Kira!"

Dropping his pencil, Raito stared at the screen. Those letters were so tacky, and the voice was so… L!

"Hyuck hyuck, didn't know you made this, Raito," Ryuk chuckled.

"It's a fake," the true Kira growled, snapping his pencil menacingly. "I don't talk like that! I wouldn't write my name like that! It'd be stylish."

As the identity thief started to rant and rave, switching between intellects faster than lightening, Raito reached a conclusion. There were two new Kiras. Which meant, either they were sharing a notebook and working together – most likely – or they each had a notebook and came together somehow. One, if not both, of them had the eyes – how else could they have killed Ukita so easily?

"Raito! Phone!" Sayu yelled up the stairs. How strange… Raito hadn't even noticed it ringing. Slamming the door in Ryuk's face, he climbed down the stairs, accepting the phone.

"Hello?"

"Raito-kun, I trust you just watched the broadcast on Sakura TV," the familiar voice of L responded. Straight to business – this guy was clearly an introvert. Something about his voice made Raito's heart beat faster.

"Yes, I did," he replied mournfully. "Ukita will be missed."

"The fuck is an Ukita," L dismissed. "I would like for you to come to HQ tomorrow, as I require your assistance."

As he opened his mouth to question further, Raito was interrupted by the dial tone. "How rude," he murmured, placing the phone on the hook. Wondering what L's motives could be, he grabbed another apple and slunk back to his room, excitement bubbling.

*

By ten o'clock the morning after the broadcast, conclusions had been made. Firstly, they would have to fake a message to the second Kira claiming it was from the real Kira, and secondly, Near was a teasing bastard.

"Matt, you willing to play the role of Kira?" Mello asked, already knowing the answer. Matt would do anything he demanded, with prompting.

"Sure, sounds fun," Matt replied, swearing at his PSP. "Do you want me dressing up as a fairy, and using pretty flowers to spell out 'Kira' too?"

Snickering, Mello nodded. "Suits gay-boy, doesn't it?"

"Yep, and you'd be an expert, Mels."

Flipping the redhead off, Mello turned to Aizawa. "Can you contact your friend at Sakura TV now?"

"Yes," the afro replied, seeming stunned. "We're seriously going to fake a tape from Kira? Won't that make him angrier?"

"We need to lure out the new Kiras," Near voiced from his Lego throne as Starscream toppled to the ground. Megatron soon followed, and Optimus Prime did a robotic victory dance. "They're stupid fangirls. If anything even remotely linked to Kira asked them to meet somewhere, they would. Imagine the reaction to meeting Kira in person."

"How do you know so much about fangirls?" Mello asked sceptically.

Sending Mello a look, Near turned to Matt. "Link is in that closet, Matt."

"OHMYGAWD HE IS?! LINKLINKLINKLINKLINK!" Matt squeed, slamming and locking himself in the closet. "…heeeeeeey! There's just a poster!"

"Dammit Matt…" Mello muttered, rolling his eyes.

Suddenly, a hunched figure completely unworthy of idolisation without knowledge of his identity passed them by. Blinking his surprise away, Mello dashed after L. "What's going on? Why're you out here?"

"Raito-kun will be arriving in about ten seconds," L replied, sounding rather pleased with himself.

"My son?!" Chief gasped, clutching his heart as sweat fell.

"Please release your breasts, Chief Yagami," the detective deadpanned, opening the door. Sure enough, with his arm raised to knock, there was Yagami Raito. "Please follow me to my room, Raito-kun."

"Wait a minute!" Mello cried, chasing after his idol and suspect. "Why the hell are you taking _him_ to your room?!"

"I hoped you were over your crush," L murmured, sending Mello an omnipotent look. "I wish to talk to your suspect on my own, Mello. Please do not disturb us, no matter what noises you may hear."

Gasping, Mello did what any other person would do when confronted by a very disgusting, sexual idea by their idol. He rant into Matt's Link closet.

"Mels!" Matt cried happily, glomping onto him. "You've gotta quit hiding in the closet, it'll just make Near angrier!"

"Then lemme go," Mello snapped, before remembering what was going on outside. "No, wait, don't! Hold me hostage! I never want to come out of the closet ever again!"

"I hope you don't mean that," Near's voice murmured from the other side of the door.

"C'mon, Near, we'll have a closet party," Matt called, opening the door a fraction. "Bend over, MarshMello."

Slapping the redhead upside the head, Mello pulled Near into the closet. "We don't need the trauma of L seducing Kira. And um… well, we don't _need_ you, but…" Mello didn't know how to finish his sentence. "Shut up Matt!"

"I didn't _say_ anything!" Matt whined.

"Actually, they're gone now," Near informed them. "I came to get you out."

Snickering, Matt shoved Mello forward. "Go on, come out with Neary."

Giving his BFFL one last smack, Mello followed Near out of the closet, wondering what L and Raito were talking about.

*

Currently, L and Raito weren't doing any talking. Having followed the mysterious panda detective to his room, Raito was immediately shocked by one thing. It wasn't the neatness of the room, or the three walls covered in television sets. No no, what really shocked him was the fourth wall covered in handcuffs. Regular, fluffy, toffee, marshmallow – any kind of handcuff you can imagine was somewhere on this wall. Raito wasn't sure whether to be scared or aroused. Was he about to be raped by the world's greatest detective who was also his arch-nemesis? Kinky.

"Please take a seat, Raito-kun," L instructed, gesturing to his king-sized bed. Feeling nervous, Raito obeyed. What was L going to do to him?

"Na, Raito, I like this room," Ryuk observed, chuckling. "We should visit more often, hyuck hyuck."

"What is this about, Ryuuzaki?" Raito asked, ignoring the annoying hindrance of a shinigami.

"I have undeniable evidence of who you truly are, Raito-kun," L announced, giving a smirk.

Heart pounding, Raito stared at the detective. "What do you mean? I'm Yagami Raito."

"Yes, you are, Raito-kun. However, you are also Kira, of this I am one hundred percent certain," L announced, chewing on his thumb. From under his pillow, he pulled a remote, and pressed play. Turning to glance at the televisions, Raito's eyes were drawn to an image. It was of himself, writing in the notebook. Did he really write that dramatically? Did his laughter really sound that crazy?

"Shut up, Ryuk," the on-screen Raito snarled. "Can't you see I'm too busy eliminating the scum of this world to play Mario Golf?"

"But I want to play!" Ryuk whined from off screen.

"DAMMIT RYUK IT IS SO HARD TO BE KIRA WITH YOU CONSTANTLY BUGGING ME AND BEING SUCH AN UNSUPPORTIVE BASTARD OH MY GOD YOU JUST DON'T GET IT YOU STUPID STUPID GOTH BASTARD!"

Turning the screen off, L smirked. "You see, Raito-kun? I have caught you, Kira."

Trembling, Raito stared between the detective, the screen, and the shinigami. What was he supposed to do? How could he deny it after that?

"I will not be turning you in, Raito-kun," L suddenly voiced, sending the brunette a bizarre look. "The Kira Case is no longer mine to solve. Mello and Near are working together to solve it, and I do not wish to assist them."

"W… what?"

"My mission right now is to provide the world with more yaoi, Raito-kun," L finished. Suddenly, Raito understood where this was headed. L was going to ask him for sexual favours in return for keeping his identity as Kira a secret. Smiling, L nodded. "As I predicted, Raito-kun has figured it out. However, I will also be assisting him in keeping his identity hidden."

"How?" Raito asked, and it was the first sentence he hadn't stuttered.

"The only way Mello and Near will be able to catch you," L started, pausing dramatically, "will be if they are working together. And so, Raito-kun's mission is to keep them apart."

Nodding, the stunned Kira's mouth twisted into a smirk. "I understand. L, together we will an unstoppable team of lovers."

"Indeed," L agreed boredly. "Now, bend over."

*

Hours passed paranoidly. This was a normal for Mello, but the feeling was shared by the entire investigation team. It was a very rare thing, for Mello's paranoid feelings to be correct, but for once, they were. And of course, the one time they were, he refused to believe it. This was L, his idol. L was justice. Justice was never blinded, and never corrupted, especially L. If L had anything to prove Raito as Kira, he would share it with his successors. It would be cruel and inhumane not to.

However, Near was much more familiar with the true nature of their idol. L wasn't as pure or perfect as the other Wammy orphans believed. L was selfish and childish, and his interest wasn't in Kira any more. Well, to be more accurate, he was interested in Kira, but not how Mello believed. His interest lay in yaoi, and why wouldn't L want to try yaoi for himself? Near certainly had.

So, was it paranoia to be eighty-seven percent certain than L was going to be betraying them in favour of pursuing his new addiction? Once justice had been L's addiction, and now it was yaoi. Yaoi with Kira. The idea was sickening to Near, but a lot about L sickened him.

"I have reached a conclusion." Speak of the devil and he shall appear. "Raito-kun is very much innocent. I am ninety-nine-point-nine percent certain that he is _not_ Kira," L announced, dragging a rather dazed looking Raito. "However, as he appears to have the best understanding of Kira, I have asked him to film the response tape to the new Kiras."

"What?!" Mello shrieked, throwing his chocolate to the ground. "That's ridiculous, L! He's Kira!"

"I am offended by your accusation, Mello!" Raito whined, widening his eyes. "Ryuuzaki, make him stop picking on me!"

"That's enough, Mello," the detective hissed, hooking an arm protectively around the brunette.

Grumbling, Mello snatched up his chocolate bar, consuming with new found fury. Hands shaking, Near had to drop Optimus Prime so he didn't break him. It was obvious that, at this current time, the case was well beyond their control. L wasn't supposed to intervene, and he certainly wasn't supposed to fall for Kira. Once again, L was ruining everything. But what he didn't count on was how very intelligent Near was, and the fact that for once, he would do everything to go against L's will. Kira would be caught, and he would be caught fast. To do this, Near would need Mello more than ever.

Dammit. He was going to have to sacrifice his pride…

*

Mikami Teru was a highly respected prosecutor. From even his childhood, God had lead him along the path of justice. While his efforts were often scorned and lead to broken glasses, the feeling of having done good was marvellous. Being a kinky BDSM obsessed masochist helped, but this is not worth noting, so please ignore it and strike it from the record.

When he spotted Amane Misa being threatened with a knife, he had pulled his underwear (it had been on the outside) up higher, and charged to her rescue, cape billowing. Yes, by day Mikami was the mild-mannered, very polite prosecutor. Between nine p.m. and midnight, he was The Mighty Pen, masked defender of justice.

On that night, when the notebook fell, he added a third alter-ego to his collection. Already a massive fan of Kira and his brilliant work (he had a scrapbook dedicated to Kira's triumphs, which he updated every Saturday at nine o'clock in the morning), it was clear which road to take.

It had been Misa's idea to find Kira, and both desired to be the Goddess of the New World. A friendly competition was going on between the two, and it was cool to have the eyes. That wasn't a word Mikami used often… cool. He'd never been cool. But now he was on the road to becoming Kira's consort, he was beyond cool.

"OHMYGAWD TERU-TERU GET IN HERE! KIRA IS ON THE TV!"

Gasping (squeeing), Mikami raced to the blonde model's side, sitting as close to the television as he could. "OHMYGAWDOHMYGAWD IT'S REALLY KIRA-SAMA!" he cried, hugging Misa quickly, before settling back to listen to the message.

"Attention public. I'd like to make it very clear that the lying bitch who was on this channel two nights ago is NOT me. I am the real Kira, as you can tell by my classy font," Kira informed them. His computer-attacked voice was so sexy, and that wasn't a word Mikami used often.

"HE'S SOOOOO COOL! MISA-MISA LOVES KIRA-SAMA SO MUCH!"

"I would appreciate if the impersonator Kira would quit using my name in vain," Kira added. Mikami gasped. They'd made God angry?! No! He hadn't meant to! This was all Misa's fault, that damn slut! "A. King. Is. Hairy. And. Built. Angrily. Really. Angrily." Jaw dropping, Mikami made a mental note. That could be a clue! Akihabara! The first letter from each word spelt out Akihabara! "Farewell, world, and keep letting me slaughter criminals, thanks."

Squeeing once more, Misa gave Mikami the thumbs-up. "Kira-sama will meet us in Akihabara, won't he?"

"Yes," Mikami agreed soberly. "I will look into possible places in Akihabara where he will meet us."

God was going to love Mikami so much…

*

Finally, at one in the morning, Yagami Raito left. It was about bloody time, too, Mello thought as he ripped his chocolate to shreds. How sweet it would be to beat the shit out of that smug bastard… Just because he had almost convinced L didn't mean he had convinced everyone else.

Mello had been so certain it was Raito. He fit the profile perfectly! He was smug and superior for no real reason! But L was ninety-nine-point-nine percent convinced. It was his first case, and already, Mello had had his lead snatched away and proven wrong in two hours by his idol. That was why L was L, and Mello was the potential successor.

Sighing, Mello tossed his half-consumed chocolate away, and stretched out on his bed. How had he failed so easily?

A gentle knock sounded at the door. Scowling, Mello sat up, eyes narrowed. "You know damn well it's open, Matt! Get the hell in here already!"

Slowly, almost hesitantly, the door swung open. It took Mello several seconds to realise the figure in the doorway didn't have red hair, and was three quarters of his size. It took a moment to realise it wasn't an angel, but actually a devil.

"Near? What the hell are you doing here?" the blonde hissed, crawling back against the headboard. He'd had dreams like this, and they never had ended well.

"I have come to speak with you in concern to the investigation," Near replied, twirling his hair. Ignoring the unwelcome air, he walked into Mello's room, seating himself on the end of the blonde's bed. "I suspect that L had been corrupted by Yagami Raito."

Sending his rival a glare, Mello shook his head. "It's L. L would never be corrupted, especially not by Kira!"

"Yet he is denying the true identity of Kira, when it is so obvious," he countered smoothly. Mello couldn't deny that what Near said made sense. It made perfect sense, but it wasn't what Mello wanted to believe.

Growling, the blonde pulled the blankets tighter around himself. "Just shut up, okay? Shut up."

"But you know it is true, Mello," Near said softly. "We are on this case to solve it, not to follow L's orders. What I want is to see Kira behind bars."

Ignoring his suddenly very stupid rival, Mello suddenly found the wrapper of his discarded chocolate to be fascinating. Near didn't want Kira behind bars, he wanted the knowledge that he was the smartest in the world. Simple. Near's motives were selfish, and he would never be L. Mello would, it was Mello's purpose, and that was that.

"Nate River."

Eyes widening, Mello lifted his head to regard his rival. "W-what?"

"My name is Nate River."

Swallowing heavily, Mello weighed up what this meant. For a Wammy's orphan, your name is your own secret. No one is supposed to know your name. To tell someone your name is to trust them unconditionally, and to trust someone unconditionally is completely illogical. What if they betrayed you? What if they got you killed? To trust someone so much with something so precious, with your life, it had to mean…

"Mihael Keehl," Mello replied suddenly. The name sounded so strange, after having never been spoken for years. It was fragile, and so easy to break, just like the unspoken vow between the two former rivals.

"You're ready to work together properly, then?" Near asked, the barest hint of a smile pursing his lips.

Crawling to Near's side of his bed, Mello nodded. Leaning closer, he softly closed the distance between them, and Near scooted closer. It was confirmed. It was sincere.

It was love.


	12. Whisper

Akihabara's Kira FanClub met once a month to discuss their god. Gaining membership meant a three hours exam, a mixture of written and oral. One of the exam topics was 'What would you give to meet Kira?', and another 'If you were Kira's sidekick, how would you assist in the elimination of criminals?' Getting in required a score of eighty at the least.

For Mikami and Misa, the former of which figured this place would be where Kira wanted to meet, getting in was a cinch. Misa entered with a score of eighty-nine, and Mikami ninety-five.

On the day of the meet, Misa and Mikami stood in disguise amongst the crowd of one hundred, eyes stained crimson as they searched.

"Honestly, why do you two waste time on this Kira fool?" Rem muttered bitterly for the fifteenth time that day. Lucky for the skeletal shinigami, the two fans were silenced by the crowd. "You could be using that Death Note for some LEGENDARY or EPIC, but no, you just chase after some idiotic human with – "

"OHMYGAWD THERE HE IS TERU-TERU!" Misa shrieked, clinging to Mikami with one arm and pointing across the room at a handsome brunette surrounded by teenagers.

"OHMYGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWD HE'S SOOOOOOO HOT! HI KIRA-SAMA! HI!" Mikami agreed.

"ALMIGHTY KIRA?!"

"WHERE IS OUR GOD?! KIIIIIRAAAAAA!"

Sending the pair a look, the group of teenagers laughed it off, and kept walking. Exchanging glances, the two Kira-clones skipped merrily after them, whispering loudly about how sweet Kira's ass is.

Ahead, Matsuda tried desperately to figure out which one of Raito's friends the strange stalkers were talk about, but he reached much confusion. Firstly, it was a girl and boy ranting about one person's ass. Since there were already so many gay guys involved in this tale, wouldn't it be logical to assume that they were talking about a girl? Since every good tale needs some yuri! Yes! That was it! Matsuda was brilliant.

"Hey, keep up!" Raito called over his shoulder, glaring at their stalkers. Interestingly, the two immediately eeped and scurried away, but lesbians were weird like that.

*

While Raito and Matsuda were out, Mello was eating chocolate. There wasn't much else he could do, was there? So, stretched out on the couch, he channel surfed, ignoring the disapproving looks Aizawa's Afro sent. Someday, when Aizawa was asleep, Mello was going to attack that damn afro with scissors. Then Aizawa would only have half an afro, and would look as stupid as he was.

So now, Mello and Near were supposed to be working together. Well, they were meant to be doing that all along, but the two had reached a mutual agreement. Mello was beginning to regret it already – how could he have told Near his true name so easily?! The moment had been sweet, but completely foolish. How could Mello possibly trust his greatest rival with his life?

Yet, Near trusted Mello with his life. It made sense for Mello to at least try and feel the same. Or, perhaps, Near was just pretending to try and get Mello comfortable, or worse, willing to throw his life away. Typical Near. The little asshole… The one who would find the conclusive evidence for Raito's guilt would be Mello. There was nothing Near could do about that. Truce or not, Mello was going to emerge as number one.

_'You really suck, man… and not in the good way.'_

"I KNOW WHO KIRA IS! KIRA'S A LESBIAN!"

The voice was so loud, they heard it before Matsuda's hand had even curled around the doorknob. Balling up his chocolate wrapper, Mello took aim. Maybe if he landed enough blows to the idiot's head, Matsuda would lose idiot cells instead of brain cells. Obviously he didn't have enough grey matter to use logic.

"MATSUDA! Come in before you talk!" Chief snarled, throwing the door open. Inexplicably, sweat broke out across his brow.

"Sorry master…" Matsuda whimpered, carrying himself like a kicked puppy. Rolling his eyes, Raito shoved past him.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"Ah! I mean, sorry Chief!"

"That's a good bitch…"

Was Mello missing something here?

"What was that you were saying about Kira's sexual orientation?" Near asked softly, twirling away.

"Kira's a lesbian!" Matsuda repeated brightly, and Mello was once again struck with the urge to kill. But wait… What if they annoyed Raito to the point where the murderous swine become so irritated he yelled out 'I'm not a lesbian' instead of 'Kira's not a lesbian'? That would work, and it would be easy. Lowering the wrapper and donning a smirk, Mello positioned himself dramatically upon the couch.

"Dammit that's hot!" Matt called from seemingly nowhere. Or maybe it was from within Mello's blonde head. He really wasn't sure any more. "Isn't that hot, Mels!?"

"Raito being a girl? Yeah, that's hot," Mello replied, and it wasn't entirely sarcasm.

"I am _not_ Kira," Raito snarled, eye twitching.

But everyone with a brain knew it was a lie.

"So, so, maybe Kira uses his lesbian powers to kill people with her hotness! There's NOTHING hotter than gay sex!" Matsuda continued to babble, growing more and more pleased with himself. "And… and… Kira's angry because her parents threw her out for being a lesbian, which is just terrible. So she has to prove herself to the world!"

To make the moment perfect, Chief turned to his son and dropped a hand onto his shoulder. "Son… I just want you to know, I will always accept you the way you are."

Snickering, Mello studied the twitching mass murderer. Looking at him made Mello suspect that all the fuses in Raito's brain had simultaneously combust. It wasn't a confession, but for now, it was a victory.

*

Despite conflicting with his schedule, Mikami made a point of joining Misa on a trip to their idol's house. Dressed in his usual smart suit with rectangular glasses, he wrote last minute names in their Death Note as Misa finished applying her make-up. Mikami had finished with his fifteen minutes ago.

"OHMIGAWD TERU-TERU I CAN'T GET OVER HOW HOT HE WAS!" Misa shrieked from her bedroom.

"OHMIGAWD I _know_!" Mikami replied, clapping excitedly. "His ass was like… perfect! Completely perfect!"

"OHMIGAWD I _know_!"

"HE'S EVERYTHING I DREAMT AND MORE!" they cried simultaneously.

But Mikami knew that soon, rivalry would break out between them. Perhaps Misa was too stupid to see it, but he did. Kira wouldn't love them both, and Mikami would refuse to share. Misa would no doubt feel the same way. Soon, the battle for Kira's heart would begin, and Mikami was going to win. He was a lawyer, after all. Even before Kira, he had wanted nothing more than to be an agent of justice. Surely that prevailed over a foolish model-turned-singer-turned-actress?

It was approaching nine o'clock when Misa was finally finished. Not wasting time to glance her over, Mikami quickly and eagerly led the way to God's side.

In some ways, knowing exactly where their God lived was a little stalker-like. But, for the greater good, Mikami would go to the extreme. Especially when the greater good had an ass that fine.

So, on the bridge close to Kira's almighty home was where they stood, silently waiting. Both were too excited to speak. The tension surrounded them like concrete.

Footsteps approached. Gasping, Mikami quickly held his breath, watching with wide eyes. Beside him, Misa held back a squee, dancing on the spot. Head held high, their brunette idol approached. For five strides they watched, transfixed, but them Misa dashed forward, briefcase clenched tightly.

"Hi! Misa-Misa is Amane Misa!" she chirped.

"…okay."

Not to be outdone, Mikami smartly approached before bowing politely. "A pleasure to meet you, God Almighty. My name is Mikami Teru."

"Misa-Misa and Teru-Teru came to make sure that you're not worried," Misa proclaimed, love-sick smile firmly in place. Quickly, clumsily, she pulled their Death Note from her case, holding it out to their silent lord. "Go on, touch it."

Bemused, Kira took the notebook. His eyes flickered to the towering skeletal shinigami, expressing no fear or concern, before returning to his two greatest supporters. "Come inside," he ordered, signalling to his house.

Exchanging looks, Mikami and Misa exchanged a quick "ohmigawd!" before obeying.

It was a neat suburban home. Perfectly normal, and attracting no attention. Perfect for their god to hide in. Casually dismissing his mother and sister (who both stared at Mikami and Misa like they were the greatest things ever), Kira lead them up the stairs to his bedroom.

"Take a seat," Kira instructed, signalling to his bed. It was perfectly neat, just like the rest of his room. Mikami liked it.

Simultaneously, they sat side-by-side on the end. Face set emotionless, Kira swivelled his desk chair around before sitting, examining them silently.

"You are both incredibly foolishly," Kira hissed. "Are you aware of how close they came to catching you?"

"Misa-Misa and Teru-Teru have the eyes!" Misa cried, clearly hoping her words would erase Kira's rage.

"I know that! And so do they!"

"How do you know so much about the Kira investigation?" Mikami wondered aloud. "As… as wonderful as you are, Kira-sama, I have no doubt you have successfully infiltrated, but…"

At this, Kira seemed pleased. Praise seemed to be the way to Kira's heart. "Of course I have. I have met L and his cronies regularly." He chuckled. "L is even beginning to trust me. Before long, I will have his name."

"You're so amazing, Raito!" Misa cried, applauding their idol. Mikami quickly joined in. "And, and, Misa-Misa and Teru-Teru will be your eyes, Raito! Misa-Misa and Teru-Teru love you, Raito, and we'll do anything for you!"

"I know," Kira replied with a smirk. "Many do."

"God," Mikami breathed, leaning forward, "what are we up against? What should we do? I will follow any order you give."

Leaning back, Kira's smirk deepened. "You have to do whatever I say. Don't make any stupid or sudden judgements. Kill only who I say to kill. Your eyes will be my greatest trump card."

"Misa-Misa and Teru-Teru will even give Raito our Death Note!" Misa cut in hyperly. "So, so that way Raito knows we can't betray him!" Without another thought, she forced it on him.

"Misa, that's really, really stupid," Rem cut in, before rolling her eyes. "Forget it… I don't even care any more… I need a drink. Yes, Ryuk, or apples."

Flicking through the notebook, Raito made a thoughtful noise. "L isn't investigating me – not the real L. His apprentices are taking on that task."

Horrified, Mikami and Misa exchanged looks.

"How rude! How can he?! Kira-sama is the greatest ever! That's just rude!"

"Like, ohmigawd, I know…"

Waving a dismissive hand, Raito chuckled darkly. "No, it is to our benefit. The real L only investigates things which interest him. His apprentices, Mello and Near, they're teenagers. Young and stupid."

"That's still rude!"

"Shut up, I'm talking! GOD! How rude can you get?! Shut up and listen!" Kira snarled furiously. Misa winced, muttering apologies. The rage fell from their god's face. "L has said himself that when they refuse to work together, his apprentices will never catch anyone."

"SO WE NEED TO MAKE THEM HATE EACH OTHER!" Misa shouted, pleased to have worked something out.

"They already hate each other," Raito sneered confidently. "This investigation they have going on is a joke. They'll never catch me." Pausing, he glanced out the window. "However… While they live, the world will resist Kira. It is our goal to discover their names, and kill them."

"And you need our eyes to do it," Mikami noted, nodding proudly. "For you, Kira-sama, and the justice this world needs, I will do anything!"

"Misa-Misa will too!"

Giving a thoughtful noise, Raito examined the two. "Mikami. What is your line of work?"

Pushing his glasses up his nose, Mikami proudly replied; "I am a prosecutor. Justice has always been my passion."

"Excellent," Kira breathed. "I will need for you to leave the country, soon. I will keep regular contact with you, don't worry about that. It will, however, make our pattern more scattered." Snapping their Death Note closed, he handed it back to the lawyer. "Kill the American criminals, Mikami. Regularly. A sudden spike in the United States will draw their attention."

"Understood. Anything you command, Kira-sama."

Very pleased, Raito turned to Misa. "You, Misa, will remain in Japan. Keep doing… whatever it is you do."

"I'm a model! And a singer! Oh, and an actress!"

"Yes, yes, keep it up," Kira dismissed. Mikami smirked triumphantly. "Currently, I attend university with one of L's successors. The more irritating one. His codename is Mello. Misa, I will arrange a meeting between you two, and then…" Kira broke off into maniacal cackles.

Exchanging glances, Mikami and Misa shrugged before joining in.

*

Weeks passed with little success. No matter how Mello bugged him, Raito shrugged it off. L continued to have one-on-one sessions with the prime suspect, and Mello wondered what the hell they were about. Whenever he wondered aloud, Matt just sent him a 'dude-are-you-serious' look.

The greatest development of those weeks was a sudden obsession with blondes on Near's part. To be more accurate…

"Mello. Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the other one watches.  
"Finally, the first blonde says; "Dammit, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies; "Keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down"."

…blonde jokes.

Scowling, Mello sent his rival a vicious glare. "Would you shut the hell up?! I am NOT STUPID!"

"No, you are not. You just do very stupid things."

Muttering bitterly, Mello continued to scan the list of deaths by heart-attack. At the start, they were all very Japanese. But as time progressed, they were becoming more and more Western. For the past three days, all the murders had been Johns, Georges, Marys, Sarahs, things like that. Westerners. A very strange change…

Raising an eyebrow, Mello started to Google the names.

"Mels."

Eyes widening, Mello sent his rival a bewildered look. "What did you just call me?!"

Twirling his hair, Near gave a shrug. "Mels. That's what Matt calls you."

"MATT is a fuckwit…!"

"I RESENT THAT, MARSHMELLO!"

"SHUT UP YOU DAMN RUSSIAN SLUT!"

"JUST BECAUSE I CAN GET SOME!"

"YEAH, FROM A POSTER IN A CLOSET!"

"LINK AND I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL, MELS!"

"See?" Near said softly, eyes piercing Mello's. "It suits you. Mels."

Huffing, Mello turned back to his computer screen. "What-fuckin'-ever."

It was getting harder and harder to ignore Near. And that was what Mello desperately needed. If he thought about Near too much, he didn't know where he would end up.

"A one-armed blonde is hanging from a tree. To make the blonde fall, you must wave at her."

…that one was just bizarre… What did it even mean?

Shaking his head, Mello forced himself to concentrate on the new pattern arising. Americans. They were all Americans.

Standing up, Mello dashed from the room. "Hey, Matt! MATT!"

Kicking open the closet door, Matt glanced up at the blonde from the floor. "Ch'yeah?"

Crouching down beside his BFFL, Mello whispered quietly. "Wanna run away together? To America? We'll find Kira there."

"…do I have a choice?"

Snorting, Mello shook his head. "C'mon. Get ready."

Tilting his head to the side, Matt lifted his goggles. "Whaddabout Neary-Queery?"

Eyes turning cold, Mello shrugged. "Doesn't matter. He'll figure it out."

Wisely, Matt remained silent.


	13. Hypnotic Distortion

The reason why L didn't sleep was the sugar rushing through his veins, mixed in with a mind which refuses to relax. Put simply, he gave up trying to switch off, and chose to stay awake until he was so exhausted he all but collapsed.

Near was smarter. He played with toys all night, which is much cooler than sitting around eating cake. People thought Chuck Norris was powerful, but Near was much, much more powerful, especially with Optimus Prime by his side. The thing that made him strongest, however, was blonde. Which was really very sappy and cliché, but the truth. Mello had the ability to make dreams reality, with his drive and determination. Near's mind wandered from thought to thought too quickly to follow any plans through.

In other words, Near was the brains, and Mello was the brawn. Yes, Mello was intelligent, however, he lacked the sense to ignore his emotions. Everything Mello did or thought was driven and controlled by his emotions, and if Near didn't watch him closely, those emotions would destroy him. Which would be very, very unfortunate – who would Near make yaoi with then?

Probably Matt.

Near shuddered.

No matter how many times he acknowledged it, it still baffled Near. It being the fact that he couldn't predict Mello's actions. Worse – he was often wrong. Why was that? Mello was the most predictable person Near knew, yet, he kept going against what Near expected. He had anticipated a drastic change in the blonde's behaviour, but getting reactions had become so hard, Near had swooped to tasteless levels. As you read, he's memorising blonde jokes to try and piss Mello off enough to at least talk to him.

Gaining Mello's trust was taking too long, but Near was patient. Probably the most patient person alive, for putting up with that psychotic blonde bitch. But, it was worth it. Mello was worth it.

Dawn was fast approaching, and Near had memorised another fifty blonde jokes to fill the day with enraged rants. Perhaps he would go wake Mello up with one… But his eyes were starting to get heavy, falling closer and closer together no matter how he struggled…

A slamming door erased any fatigue. Who could possibly be leaving at this hour? And who would slam the door behind them?

Filled with a sinking feeling, the white-haired boy tip-toed quietly out of his room and across the hall. There was no way Mello would leave. Especially not now. You would have to be a complete moron to –

The room was empty. Near swore.

*

En route to America, what Mello found strange was the fact that Matt was sticking by him, but clearly pissed off at him. If Matt was so infuriated with him, why was he even bothering? Why didn't he refuse to tag along? Those frustrated sighs and glares were getting extremely annoying – especially when Mello needed to focus on his plans for when they got there.

Something that even L didn't know was that Mello had inherited Mafia connections from his father. Ultimately, his father had crossed the mob and been killed, but that wasn't the point. Mello was certain that he could worm his way into the mob, and control them from within. Kira was a pansy, and pansies are crushed by the Mafia. Or cooked into pizzas. Kira pizzas, yes, Mello would eat those.

The only question was how to get in. Finding them wouldn't be hard, because he _was_ Mello, and Matt was a hacker. Mello was toying with the idea of murdering the leader of their opposing gang, but, well…

…he was fifteen. Or sixteen. He wasn't completely sure, but either one was too young to become a killer.

While Mello would readily flaunt the gun in his pants (either of them), there was a big difference between threatening to do it and actually pulling the trigger. It was in the name of justice, it was for the greater good, it was for the sake of beating Near. But Mello was starting to wonder whether or not he needed to beat Near. When the albino creampuff had lowered himself to blonde jokes, Mello had to wonder… Was it ever about winning or losing to his rival? What if it was about getting a reaction? Then, simply, to beat Near, he would have to stop giving reactions.

Easy peasy.

So did he really have to kill over that need to prove himself?

Sighing himself, Mello rested his head against the window, wondering why all the clouds had to be so white and fluffy. They were stirring up unwanted emotions.

*

Raito was fast asleep. Dreaming something involving cake, cream, and L's tongue, he was even drooling. Wide awake, L regarded his glory hole, clearly thinking about something involving cake, cream, and Raito's naked body.

Great minds really do think alike.

The door flew open, denting the wall. Without glancing up, L was one hundred percent certain of the identity of the violent invader, and thus, greeted him. "Good morning, Mello. What is the problem?"

"I am not Mello."

Glancing up to visually confirm what his ears told him, L scanned over the pyjama-clad teen curiously. His face remained as blank as ever, but his eyes held fury. "What seems to be the problem, Near?"

"Mello is gone," Near replied, and his voice couldn't remain completely monotonous when he was that pissed off. "He's left to find Kira."

"How unfortunate," L murmured, but he was talking about his empty stomach. "I shall require cake. Please excuse me."

As he climbed out of bed, Raito's eyes opened and triumphant smirk crossed his bruised lips. "Just as planned," he cackled.

"…I can hear you," Near replied, twirling his hair.

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT CAKE YOU ANNOYING LITTLE BRAT!"

"Don't lie, Kira," the pale boy ordered. "If anything happens to him… You will pay."

With that, he turned and walked away.

*

They had rented a crappy apartment and set up their base there. Most of their money went towards internet bills, chocolate, and 'normal' food Matt demanded.

They had spent a week researching, barely talking. For once, Matt didn't want to. No doubt he was still angry. After Mello had found the Mafia, and approached them, he had started to talk more.

Getting in had been much easier than he had expected. All he had had to do was storm in, waving his gun. Instantly, Mello was accepted into the group, and rose to the rank of second-in-command.

"'Scuse me? Boz?"

The goon was snapping him from his stupor. Scowling, Mello glanced over the back of his Mafia throne at the muscled thug. "What do you want?"

Twelve roses were shoved in his face. Coughing, Mello pulled the flowers from his face, glaring up at the nameless thug.

"Don't make that face, boz… you're the purdiest girlie I ever did see…ded."

Twitching, Mello pressed his gun against the thug's throat. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! YOU WANNA DIE, HUH?!"

"Yo yo, Melloooooooooo!"

Shit. It was the boss. Quickly slipping the gun back into his pants, he stood up and turned to face the official leader.

"S'up, foo'?" Mello questioned in reply. Matt had taught him how to speak gangsta.

"Damn, foo', we totally baffled 'bout all this Kira shit, know what I'm sayin'?" the boss replied, arms tightly around his slutty bitches. "I swear I don' see what the fuckin' shit is goin' on, foo'!"

"That's what we're trying to find out," Mello replied, and he couldn't hold frustration from his voice.

"Damn, dawg, yo' sound damn tense, foo'!" the boss exclaimed. His eyes scanned Mello's face. "Yo' need to get laid, know what I'm sayin'?"

Twitching, Mello's hand curled around his gun.

…the metal one.

"So, mai girl – " Mello desperately fought the urge to shoot the brainless clot in the head, " – who yo' wanna do, foo'?"

"Big boz, I'll do Mello!"

The door burst open.

"Me too, boz!"

"An' me, duuuuh…"

"Don't forget me!"

"MARRY ME MELLO!"

Growling in frustration, Mello pulled out his gun. "GODDAMMIT I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" he shrieked. Then he wondered why he screamed that, and didn't deny being a girl. But then, he started to wonder how Near was doing.

"Aww…" rang around the room.

Honestly… he felt like a character from one of Matt's animes. The issue was probably that these thugs never got out, and lacked the social skills to get laid. The only women who entered their lair were off limits.

Huffing, Mello slumped down in his Mafia throne, glaring around the room. In complete honesty, ignoring delusions, that was how he got in. By being pretty, and scary. His father's previous involvement had been redundant. But that wasn't the issue. The Mafia was just his clan of pawns, and they were a powerful addition to the Kira case. No one could gather information as quickly, or as honestly. A gun gets a lot of facts out of people. For this reason, he would play the girl. Reluctantly, but he'd do it.

"Gemme a list of the latest kills in the States," he ordered, then remembered his status. "Fo' shizzle."

"Right away, boz!"

"PURDY."

Dumbasses…

*

Predictably, the rest of the investigation team had gasped in horror at the news that Mello had left. Then they considered it, and sighed in relief. Little progress was made in investigating the case, however they had realised that the murders were becoming almost exclusive to America.

While the team were investigating Kira, Raito was investigating Mello. An advantage he had over the others was knowing how teenagers use the internet. A combination of efforts between himself and Misa had located a user who went by FinalLinkFantasy. He was a member of several pro-Kira forums, but twice as many anti-Kira ones. And his posts didn't match the idea of someone who was trying to make fun of the party he disagreed with. Perhaps he thought that because the forums were all in different languages, people wouldn't notice.

Misa had been working for the past few nights to reach the rank of administrator on the Japanese pro-Kira forum. When she did, Raito would use her admin powers and his l33t h4ck0rz skillz to trace the IP address. Then, Mikami would be sent to find Mello, and…

Raito broke out into dark chuckles.

"Poor Raito, he's going nuts with stress," L sighed to cover for him.

Life was fantastic for Kira.

Little did Raito know, Near had already been there and done that. In fact, he was chatting to Matt on MSN as the idiot cackled.

*

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _S'up, little dude?_

**_The Sheep says:_ ** _Kira is laughing again. He has a plan._

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _Yeah, well, you know where we are now, so what's it gonna hurt?_

**_The Sheep says:_ ** _You never know. He has sent the second Kiras to America, I'm sure of it._

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _Mels won't let nothin' bad happen._

**_The Sheep says:_ ** _And, what is Mels doing?_

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _Uhhhhh… eating chocolate…_

**_The Sheep says:_ ** _…_

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _You don't wanna know. I don't wanna tell you._

**_The Sheep says:_ ** _Matt. It is best if you tell me._

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _Okay, fine!_

**_King of Games Matt says:_ ** _He's joined the Mafia._

There was a long pause.

**_The Sheep says:_ ** _I'm coming to bring you both back._

Across the globe, Matt gave a cheer.

*

"Eliminate."

Quickly, Mikami's pen swept across the page, his strokes forming into the name of a sinner. A grin crossed his face as he counted the forty seconds until the twisted bastard received his just punishment.

"Eliminate."

This time, he wrote slowly, savouring the power his sexy God had blessed him with. Just three more strokes, and this criminal would be done.

"Eliminate."

Over and over, but never without pleasure. It was an honour, a true privilege, to be given the power to pass judgement on the evil. Even if he wasn't close to his God, his sexy Kira, it was worth it to dream of the day in which he would become the goddess of the new world.

Now all he had to do was keep an eye out for gothic blondes with chocolate obsessions and guns in their leather pants…

"Eliminate."

Then he would eliminate the threat against his darling.

At ten o'clock, Mikami had finished his one page of eliminations. At exactly ten o'clock, he received an email from Misa.

_Teru-Teru,_

_Like, OHMIGAWD, Raito is soooooo hawt! And he's soooo cool and awesome and OMG TERU-TERU WE FOUND THAT EVIL-EVIL MELLO BASTARD!_

A smirk crossed Mikami's face as he picked up the phone and dialled 9-1-1.

*

On the plane, Near read a book of blonde jokes. They seemed to get progressively worse, but that wasn't the point. It was something to do, and it was something which would piss Mello off. Perhaps as much as he had pissed Near off with this stupid decision to run away.

Briefly, he wondered what the investigation team would do without him, but quickly decided he didn't care. The ones who would solve this case were himself and Mello. Everyone else was useless. When they were separated, they were less likely to capture the villainous swine. Raito knew this, and that was why he had sent the second Kiras to America. Mello had been a moron for falling into his trap.

But he was blonde.

After disembarking the vehicle and airport in general, Near found himself being tackled by a redhead.

"Neaaaaar!"

Feeling awkward, Near shoved Matt off as best he could. "How did you know when I would arrive?"

"…dude, it's not hard to find out," Matt replied, raising his eyebrows. "Especially not in an emergency."

This tweaked Near's interest. "What kind of emergency?"

Through the early morning darkness, Near saw that Matt's face was grim. "There was a raid, at Mello's base."

Near's heart beat faster.

"And the cops don't have him. So who does?"


	14. 1000 Words

It took a while for Mello's head to clear after he regained consciousness. Pain throbbed in the back of his skull, and his mouth was as dry as a desert. When he tried to move, his wrists were rubbed by rough ropes.

One word went through Mello's mind, a very delicate _Shit_.

His back was wrapped around a pole. Rather than being the usual circular kind, it was a wooden rectangular prism, and he was tightly bound so that the corner dug into his spine. Complaints would be being yelled, but a cloth had been shoved in his mouth. From the taste of it, it had been drenched in salt water. A similar cloth covered his eyes, hopefully lacking the salty water. It felt damp, though, and he doubted that the burning would be worth it.

Slumping against the pole, another pain shot through his head. But the blonde was far too sore and tired to hold himself up. Vague memories danced before his eyes, all blurred and almost incomprehensible. Sirens, yelling, running… It told him nothing.

"Exterminate," a voice panted, addled with pleasure. "Exterminate… y-yes… exterminate!"

This was even worse shit. Not only was he being held captive by a _Doctor Who_ fanboy, but the guy was getting off on Dalek porn. Why the moron had kidnapped him was a mystery to Mello. Perhaps he thought that Mello was Rose Tyler, since he was blonde and sexy. Which was worrying. _Doctor Who_ fanboys weren’t known to be nice to women, real or imaginary, not that Mello was one, but the point still stood.

"E-exterminate!"

Swallowing heavily, Mello wished he really was Rose. Then the Doctor would turn up in the nick of time and save him. But he wasn't, he was Mello, Mihael Keehl. There was no one to save him. He himself had crossed out all chance of being saved.

"Ha… hahaha! EXTERMINATE!"

Groaning around the gag, Mello hung his head. All noise but the pounding pain paused. There was a flip of pages, and a chair screeching against the floor. Footsteps approached.

"The disgusting anti-Kira demon awakes," the fanboy hissed, and apparently it was _Doctor Who_ that he was into. "Soon, Mihael Keehl. Soon."

As the footsteps backed away, Mello's mind emptied of all but two thoughts.

_Kira is going to kill me._

And;

… _at least I got closer to him than Near._

*

Across the globe, L was eating cake. It was a very delicious cake, rich and chocolate, and there was no doubt in his mind that Mello would have enjoyed it. But since the idiot had run away, there would be no delicious cake for him. The same applied to Near, who wouldn't be as distraught at the news, but he wasn't getting any new toys any time soon. Matt, however, would go unpunished. This was because Matt was too cool.

The investigation was on hold. Without the successors, the leadership had passed to Raito. Seeing as Raito was, in fact, Kira, they were getting nowhere. While this was good and fine for L's yaoi, it made him suspicious not to know the activities of his successors. Plus Watari was getting bitchy about losing orphans.

Currently, Raito seemed engrossed in using his mobile phone. Judging by the sinister chuckles, he was plotting something. Curious. If it meant the death of his successors and early retirement, L would have to step in.

"Raito-kun," the genius detective purred, leaning in close to invade his personal space. It didn't count any more, because Raito didn't have personal space any more. It belonged to L. Just like he did.

"Not now Ryuuzaki," was the murmured reply.

That was unacceptable behaviour.

"I am ninety-nine-point-nine percent certain that failure to comply with my wishes will result in pink hair for Raito-kun."

Eyes narrowed, Raito glanced huffily at his lover. "What. Is. It?"

"I require more cake. Raito-kun will be the one to fetch it for me."

"RYUUZAKI! OHMIGAWD! HOW CAN YOU TREAT ME LIKE A SLAVE?! CAN'T YOU EVEN BE NICE ABOUT IT?! OHMIGAWD! I SHOULD KILL YOU!" Raito shrieked. L was glad that his fingers were so long, as they saved him from deafness.

"Yes, but that requires a name," he replied thoughtfully. "My intention was not to treat you as a slave, Raito-kun. I am merely experiencing a decrease in brain activity due to extreme hunger. Please get me cake."

Throwing down his phone, Raito grumbled all the way to the kitchen. Quickly, L snatched up the phone, scrolling through the inbox as swiftly as he could. One message from a Mikami Teru caught his attention.

' _Hi God! :) I'm in America, like you said!'_

In the name of all things sugary, it was a fanboy. L shuddered. He had heard that fanboys were worse than fangirls. An address was added to the message.

' _So write me letters!11! I'll be so lonely without you :(_

_But for the new world, it's worth it! :)_

_Luv u 4 eva!'_

L despised this fanboy. Clearly, this was the second Kira. Male, judging from the name, and after Raito's sweet ass.

 _Well_ , the mastermind detective though, carefully repositioning the ass in question's phone. _It was mine first, and shall remain that way for a long time to come._

Mind filled with revenge, L clicked off his _Naruto_ yaoi and sent a quick email to all three of his successors.

"Here's your damn cake!" Raito cried as the email sent. Quickly, L changed back to the fanfiction.

"I appreciate your effort, Raito-kun," L replied, accepting the cake and starting to eat. "You will be staying here tonight. And you will enjoy it."

Significantly brightened, Raito turned back to his phone.

*

It was so hard, to know the name and not use it. But Kira had a plan, and Mikami would certainly never defy him.

After a brief stirring, the blonde idiot had passes out again. Red laced the golden strands, probably from the knock-out blow Mikami's thug had dealt. One who defied Kira, who fought to destroy justice, deserved all the agony he could get.

It was quite shocking that this was a male, but that's distracting from the point.

Nothing would bring Mikami more pleasure than exterminating one who had caused his god so much woe. But he had to wait, he had to bait the investigation team, to inform them of how fruitless their attempts are…

Da-dink. The email arrived.

' _TERU-TERU OMG HIIIII!111!_

_It's go! Call them! Yay!'_

Picking up the phone, Mikami dialled the number slowly, savouring the pressing of the buttons. Listening to the ringing, he glared loathingly at the blonde haired demon.

"Yes, hello?"

Quickly, Mikami activated the voice mutilation software encase in a tin can. Pulling out his script, he double-checked that his words were correct. "This is Kira. I am the original."

"SHIT!"

"Oh no!"

"CHIEF, I NEED TO UNWET MY PANTS!"

"Dammit Matsuda!"

"Be silent!" Mikami commanded, and even that was scripted. Kira-sama sure knew his co-workers. "I have one of your colleagues within my grasp. His death is inevitable. But what I ask is that the rest of you give up. You will never catch me."

"WE SO WILL!"

"In the name of SPINACH BALLS, Matsuda WILL PUNISH YOU!"

"…shut up, Matsuda."

"Failure to obey will mean your deaths, fools," Mikami snarled. "If you fail to surrender, more than just insert name will die!"

"OH NO NOT INSERT NAME!" the stupid voice which was clearly the one named Matsuda shrieked, before adding; "…who's insert name?"

Curses, Mikami had read the script too literally! "Mihael Keehl."

Quickly, before he could stuff up again, Mikami hung up.

*

Panic erupted.

"CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF THEY'RE GONNA KILLED MIHAAAAAEEEEEL KEEEEEHHHHHHLLL!" Matsuda screamed, before bursting into tears.

"Who is Mihael Keehl?" Chief wondered, eyes falling upon L.

The raven-haired detective gave a shrug. "I cannot reveal, because I do not know."

"Never mind," Chief shrugged, before blazing with passion. "We will never quit! We will do everything in our power to save Mihael Keehl – whichever one of the annoying brats he is!"

Smirking, L pressed his thumb to his mouth. "Already in the process of doing so, Chief."

Across the room, Raito's eyes narrowed. Twisting his watch, he subtly scrawled the new name across the page of Death Note hidden within.

_Miihael Keeru_

*

Too exhausted to even groan, Mello listened in on the phone call with a sinking heart. Soon it would be erratic, beating far too hard and fast, just like Near provoked. Only not, because this time, it would be fatal.

The only reason Near factored in was because he refused to leave Mello's mind. Every thought lead back to him, completely void of the usual loathing.

Jealousy, not loathing.

It hurt even more when he realised that death would mean never feeling it again.

With a crash, the phone was dropped back on the hook. Loudly, painfully. It was his death sentence.

Scrunching his eyes tightly shut, Mello prayed that somehow, despite the distance, Near could hear the thoughts plaguing his mind in his final moments.

_I love you… you fucking asshole. Even if you are fucking letting me die._

Insane laughter broke out, followed by the scrape of chairs. Footsteps echoed aimlessly around the room, seeming to pace for pacing's sake.

"Are you ready to be exterminated, Mihael Keehl?!"

And then the door burst open.

*

"Freeze!" a dramatic voice yelled, before a sound vaguely resembling a shot sounded. Instantly, smoke filled the room, taunting Mello's nostrils. "Get 'im!"

Light footsteps, so light he could barely hear them over his pounding head. Briefly, hope surged, but Mello quickly dismissed it. He refused to die feeling crushed. He would die bravely, ready, and embrace the end.

For a moment, the ropes tightened, before falling useless and limp. Fingers brushed over his scalp, earning a wince and muffled yelp.

"W-who are you?! How did you… leave him! Stop it!"

First the gag was removed, before being replaced with a warm pair of lips. Then finally his sight was returned, and Mello swore he saw an angel.

Then he realised it was just Near. For some reason, he clutched a mask which creepily resembled L in his hand.

"About time!" he tried to hiss, but it came out weak and scratchy.

"I thought that perhaps he had dyed your hair," Near replied, lacking his normal totally emotionless air, "as blondes are easy to find. I was right, too." Gently, he guided Mello's fingers to the back of his head. It was sticky, and stained his fingertips red.

"…fuck you."

Near smiled enigmatically.

"Quit restraining me! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD, SAAAAVE ME! EXTEEEERMIIINAAAAATE! EXTEEEEEEERMINATTTE!"

Using the pole as a support, Mello brought himself to his feet. The smoked had cleared. Across the room, with the kidnapper clumsily tied and handcuffed at his feet, Matt wore a biker's helmet. Grinning brightly, he waved.

"Hi Mels! You look like shit!"

Weren't people supposed to be nice to victims?

"Fuck you too!"

Still grinning, the redhead slipped a sleeping mask over the Second Kira's eyes. Standing up, Near sent Mello a look.

 _The_ look.

Mello never thought he would be happy to see it.

"I would disapprove of that."

Pulling his rival closer by the front of his pyjamas, Mello kissed him, much more needily than he'd hoped. But it was like a piece of Heaven in his chaotic mess of a life, and he needed it, more and more…

"DUDE!" Matt cried, breaking the moments into a thousand pieces. He waved a black notebook. "THERE'S A GODDAMN FIEND OVER THERE! QUIT, KILL IT DEAD!"

Glancing to the corner, Mello saw nothing. "Quit smoking pot, Matt."

"I don't wanna, Mels, but seriously, THERE'S SOMETHING THERE!"

The Second Kira trembled, before bursting into tears. "I FAILED YOU, KIIIIRAAAAA-SAMA! THEY HAVE THE DEATH NOTE! I'M SO SORRY MY SEXY-ASSES GOD! I'LL KILL MYSELF WITH MY PEN!"

"Matt! Stop him, now!"

"BUT THAT THINGS IS ASKING ME FOR APPLES! WHAT IN THE HELL?!"

Back in Japan, L smirked.

"Just as planned."


	15. Cold

Soon after meeting Mello, Near had reached the conclusion that without having his brain physically removed, there was no way the blonde could possibly have logic more flawed. For once, he was completely wrong. Mello didn't even try to bridge the gaps any more. Hopefully it all made sense in his own mind, but Near doubted it ever did.

Maybe it had something to do with that concussion.

"The wind hurts my brain," blondie complained, giving off a frustrated growl. "I wanna shoot it… can I shoot it?"

Thankful that they were on a private flight (purely because he didn't like the idea of Mello being arrested), Near gave Mello a smooth answer.

"For some reason, a man dropped a grenade from a plane. When the aircraft had landed, he found a blonde laughing hysterically, and asked why. 'I farted,' she replied, 'and the building behind me exploded.'"

Mello's expression was blank. At least he'd shut up for a while…

"Stop trying to think. You will just cause the death of the remaining brain cells you have left," Near instructed after a moment of the blonde's drooling. It wasn't appealing.

Muttering something about not being stupid, Mello suddenly dropped his head to Near's shoulder. Snores promptly resulted.

It took a lot to ignore the drooling, but Near did. For some stupid reason which involved Mello's comfort.

*

Life was great for Kira. Those meddlesome brats were gone, and they hadn't heard a word from them in days. Misa was too busy killing, and L was kinky. Kinky was nice. Criminals were dying, he was getting more and more recognition, and soon would become God of Utopia with L as his Queen.

And then, he would be seme.

The only concern was not having heard anything from Mikami for a few days. But that was okay, too. Mikami was a pawn, and pawns are pointless in the end.

Nothing could stop him. Raito was planning to celebrate with a bag of potato chips, and was just walking towards the kitchen to get them when the door burst open.

"WE CAUGHT A KIRA!"

Raito tore the bag in half, eye twitching, before leaning to investigate. With a blindfold covering his eyes, Mikami was shoved mercilessly to the ground. Playing his DS, Matt prodded Mikami forward with his boots. Behind them, Near led a very disorientated Mello.

_Why isn't he dead?!_

Mello should have been dead! Raito wrote his name down, and Mikami knew it too! How? How had the eyes found the wrong name?

Unless…

…it had been spelt wrong.

"REALLY?!" Matsuda cried, bouncing over to the terrible trio on a hop ball. Where he got it wasn't clear, but Raito had bigger fish to fry. Metaphorically speaking. "WOW ISN'T THAT JUST SO TRENDY?!"

"Can I shoot him?" Mello hissed, sounding even bitchier than usual somehow.

Another impossible accomplished.

"No."

But oddly, he didn't yell and scream at Near. Just huffed and shut up.

"Hey!" Ryuk called to Raito, but for some reason, didn't specify to whom he spoke. "I need an apple. Get me an apple."

What could Kira do in this situation? Besides ignore Ryuk. He could kill Mikami, but it was unclear how much the stupid lawyer had revealed. Judging from the blindfold, they knew about the eyes. And…

"Congratulations," L greeted, leading the way for the rest of the investigation team. His eyes scanned between his successors, before settling on Mikami. "Why is he blindfolded?"

Matt and Near exchanged glances, then shrugged. Good to know that they knew what they were doing…

"He sees names," Mello explained. "And he's all 'Look at me, I get off on exterminating things! No wonder I'm so hard for Kira!' But I bet he still tops Kira, because that bitch couldn't even top a girl."

Must. Resist. Slow murder.

"Indeed," L murmured.

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!" Raito screamed, stomping on the fallen chips. The crunching was satisfying to his rage.

Everyone stared at the infuriated brunette.

"Hyuck hyuck, sucked in Kira!" Ryuk sniggered.

"OHMYGAWD-RYUK-WOULD-YOU-QUIT-IT-I'M-REALLY-STRESSED-RIGHT-NOW-THIS-IS _VERY VERY VERY_ HARD-FOR-ME-AND-YOU'RE-JUST-STANDING-THERE-LAUGHING-AT-ME-OHMYGAWD-HOW-INCONSIDERATE-CAN-YOU-GET-YOU-STUPID-APPLE-ADDICTED-GOTH-BASTARD-I'LL-NEVER-FORGIVE-YOU-FOR-THIS-OHMYGAWD-THINK-ABOUT-SOMEONE-OTHER-THAN-YOURSELF-FOR-A-CHANGE!"

"…they can see me."

…well shit.

"Raito-kun is stressed," L announced, sending him a slight glare. "I believe he has been forgetting to take his medication."

"MY SON IS ON MEDICATION?!" Chief cried, sweat bursting from his pores.

"Indeed."

_Calm, Raito. Calm. Think about this logically._

Logically, Matt and Near would have been in too much of a rush to save their bum-chum to search for the Death Note. And if they had found it, surely the would have ignore it for being a notebook. A supernatural murder notebook – who would have ever heard of such a thing? Sheer boredom had prompted Raito to try and use it, and these kids were too caught up with their rock music and GameBoys and Transformers to be bored.

No, but Ryuk had said they could see him… Damn. Perhaps they had only touched it lightly, or only one of them had. If it was Matt or Mello, they would dismiss it as drugs. Perhaps Raito could convince the force that they were all drug-addicted prostitutes…

Either way, they had no undeniable evidence that he, Raito, was in fact the soon-to-be god, Kira. It would be fine. Plus, L was totally in love with him. Having the world's greatest detective on his side was a plus the size of Jupiter, also known as Raito's ego in planetary form.

Panic was foolish.

Mello raised a hand, before freezing. No doubt the idea of speaking had overloaded his stupid blonde brain. Standing on tip-toes and pulling Mello down slightly, Near whispered something into his ear.

"Shuddup, Near, I was gonna say that!" blondie bitched.

"I whispered it. Only you heard."

"…right. I knew that."

How could these meddlesome kids even be threats to Kira?!

Reaching into his pants (Matsuda whimpered and cringed), Mello slowly pulled out a black notebook.

"Hyuck hyuck! Look out, Kira! Hyuck hyuck, this is awesome!" Ryuk snickered.

"What's that?" Raito asked loudly, curling his trembling fingers into fists.

"You already know, Kira," Near voiced smoothly.

Oooh, burn.

"I can see that it's a notebook," Raito replied through clenched teeth. "But what is the _significance_ of a notebook? Is it full of details in regards to Mello's customers? Seeing as he's a prostitute?"

Around them, everyone winced. Even Near took a few steps back. But there was no explosion, just a very confused blonde.

"…what's he on about?"

"Does Mello have a concussion?" L wondered, thumb flying to his teeth.

Mikami snickered as Near nodded.

"SHUT UP, DALEK-WANNA-BE!"

Well, at least Mikami had done _something_ useful. With Mello concussed, he would be out of action for a few days. Near would most likely be too busy caring for the useless blonde This would give Raito time to fabricate a scheme to avoid this mess, and create 'proof' that he wasn't Kira.

But… wait, where was Matt?!

_Probably in the closet with Link._

"It's got all these rules in it," Mello announced, flipping through the pages. "And… lots of names… yep. Heaps of 'em. Criminal names. Dead criminal names."

If Aizawa's afro hadn't eaten his eyebrows, they would have been raised. "Are you saying that the person whose name is written in that notebook dies?"

…shit. Shit. Shit.

"Yep. Cos it says that in it," Mello replied. He paused, eyes narrowing. "Almost exactly that… ARE YOU KIRA?!"

"Don't be stupid, Mello," Near instructed. "I know it's hard for you, but don't. Raito is Kira."

"I know, but there're more than _one_."

"Hair can't be Kira. Kira needs the ability to hold a pen."

"…what-EVER."

"I AM NOT KIRA, GOSH DARNIT!"

"Quit bickering and get to the point," Aizawa demanded. "You may be young, but we must act _professional_. People are being killed, and you're fighting like children!"

Matt came back into the room and forced a bar of chocolate into Mello's hands. Giving a grunt which could be described as grateful, the blonde began to eat, foil and all.

Wisely, the investigation team decided to say nothing.

"…ew," the blonde muttered, pulling the foil from his mouth and tossing it at Mikami.

"GROSS! KAMI-SAMA, HELP ME! WITH YOUR SWEET ASS!" the failure of a Kira shrieked, before bursting into tears. "I'M SO SORRY THAT I FAILED, MY MASTER! WHERE ARE YOU?! I NEED TO SEE YOUR SWEET ASS! I MEAN IMMORTALITY!"

"Seem like this Kira is a potential rapist," L noted, rather superiorly. "Good job catching him. The world will be far better off when he is sentenced to - " tilting his head back and widening his eyes, a smirk crossed L's lips. It was the most superior thing Raito had ever seen, and he was an expert. " – DEATH."

One could almost believe that L liked the idea of sentencing people to death with his justice power.

Mikami gave a slight whimper. "Wh… where's my pen…? I want… I want to stab myself… RYUK, RYUK, WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Gently taking the Death Note from Mello, Near passed it along to Raito's dad. "Please pass this around."

Instead, the Chief gave an almighty gasp of horror, clenched his chest, and dropped it. Near looked slightly annoyed. Raito blinked. Since when had _Near_ had emotions? Everything was going wrong!

"W… what is that?!" Chief cried, pointing at Ryuk. "DAMMIT MATSUDA DID YOU BRING YOUR MOTHER TO WORK?!"

"No Chief!" Matsuda replied, slightly less brightly than usual. He picked up the notebook, and gasped. "MUMMY! How did you get in here?!"

Ryuk pointed at Matsuda, and asked Near a simple question. "Can I kill him?"

"Maybe later."

As the notebook was passed around the insignificant members of his father's taskforce, Raito schemed his next move. He had to dispose of Mikami. All he needed was a distraction…

"How did you know Raito-kun's name?" L inquired, and it only helped the distraction. It was so hard to restrain a dark chuckle…

…maybe he'd just do it quietly.

"I know all your names," Ryuk replied, giving a 'hyuck, hyuck'. "Shinigami eyes can see the name and lifespan of humans. It's cool. And red, very red. Like apples. Speaking of… have any?"

"Will you answer any question in exchange for apples?" Near took over. Raito wished Rem would have left Misa alone, but the shinigami threw a hissy fit and threatened to kill Raito.

"Sure thing, if it's not boring."

Raito raised his eyebrows at Ryuk, then nodded subtly towards Mikami. Kill him, he was trying to convey telepathically. Kill him before he makes everything worse for us.

"…you have nice eyebrows, Raito," Ryuk replied.

Idiots. He was surrounded by idiots. And those who weren't idiots were sex obsessed bondage freaks, or too young to even be trying to catch him. As Raito was learning very well from this Kira case, if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

With a twist of his watch and a few minor flicks of his wrist, the name 'Mikami Teru' was added to the bloody page of Death Note. Quickly, Raito clicked it back into place. The idiots were all far too absorbed in Ryuk to pay any attention to him. Now, in forty seconds, and Mikami would be a threat no more.

"You exchange eyes with the owner of the Death Note, and then they too can see people's names and life-spans, correct?" Near inquired as Matsuda offered the shinigami an apple. He obviously knew, and was just trying to bait the police force into agreeing.

"Ya, that's sure right. Only it costs half of their life-span."

Half-way there…

"Oh, and they can't see the life-span of others who possess Death Notes," Ryuk added as an afterthought.

It was Mello who cut in now. "So, if one of us exchanged eyes with you… We'd know who Kira is by looking at him?"

"Sure would."

…asshole. How dare he have a moment of clarity to make a comment like that?! How dare Ryuk even mention it? What if someone secretly exchanged eyes with him?! Ryuk would definitely agree, just for the amusement. The only way to avoid it was to sacrifice ownership… But then he, the almighty Kira, would lose his memories of the notebook. Unless he was touching it at all times…

Giving a horrifyingly loud gasp, Mikami fell sideways to the floor. Breathing heavily between shrieks, he struggled and thrashed like a fish out of water. Part of Raito found it horrifying and disgustingly inhumane. The other found it amusing.

"KIRA!" the Chief cried, and they all moved forward in futile attempts to save Mikami.

It's a little sad, that Raito didn't realise they knew Mikami was doomed. It was something they did by instinct. But touching him, and pretending to do something… Those things were done with the hope of comforting him in his last moments. Even a Kira didn't deserve to die believing that no one cared.

"G-GOD! HOW… HOW COULD YOU?!" Mikami screamed in agony. As best he could, the dying man struggled towards where Raito was.

 _How can that idiot see me?_ Raito panicked, taking a step back. Clearly he could, as he continued to writhe towards the god who had betrayed him.

As suddenly as it began, it stopped, with a final gasp of agony.

Silence followed. It wasn't one from lack of things to say. It was one of total disgust at how far Kira would go, to even murder one of his greatest supporters without consideration.

*

It was late night. Mello wasn't even remotely tired, yet he still found himself being dragged to his bed with the combined efforts of Near and, strangely enough, Chief Yagami.

"But I'm not tired," he protested loudly. "I have a gun in my pants! I'll shoot you all! Don't make me go to bed!"

"Victims of concussions need rest to recover, Mello," Near reminded him for possibly the fiftieth time that day. An exaggerated amount would be two hundredth.

"That's right," Chief agreed, using the power of his manboobs to force the blonde down the hall. "It's incredible that you can think clearly at all. Better for the case to be delayed a few days rather than ruined by your condition."

What they said made perfect sense. However, Mello wasn't a normal victim. He was a badass victim. This made all the difference, as it gave him the incredible ability to get up and keep on kicking ass right after any injury. Sadly, before he could pursue this argument, Near was opening the bedroom door.

"Thank you for your assistance, Chief," he said, before shutting the door behind them.

…them.

"You don't want me in bed to _sleep_!" Mello protested, before considering it. "…I like that."

Near's reply was shoving Mello onto the bed. "No, Mello, you really need to sleep."

"That's what your words say, Near, but not your actions," the blonde replied with a wide grin. "You want me. Badly." Quickly, he pulled Near down onto the bed also, roughly pressing their lips together.

"Hot," L said. Matt nodded, and the two continued to watch the monitor closely.

Pulling away, Mello quickly straddled his former rival, giving a smirk. "Only change is, _Nate_ , you can't top me. I'll prove it now."

Near's eyes held a dare. A very smug, arrogant dare. Deciding to fight back the urge to yell, Mello kisses him again. Deeper and hungrier than before. Licking at Near's lips, his hands went to the pale wrists, pinning them against the headboard…

"Whaaat?!" Mello cried, pulling away. His eyes fell to his own wrists. Cold metal pressed locked them barely an inch from one another.

"You need to sleep," Near said yet again, shoving the blonde back against the pillows.

"…DAMMIT NEAR!"

Kissing the blonde chastely, Near stretched out beside him, pulling the blanket over them both. "Goodnight, Mihael."

"…night."

Fine. But next time…

Mello would be seme if it was the last thing he ever did.


	16. One Step Closer

When he awoke, Mello was alone and still handcuffed. However, the manner had changed; one wrist was cuffed to the bed pole rather than the other. Growling, the blonde twisted his wrists. Pointless, yes. But sometimes pointless things need to be done, just because.

"Fucking Near…"

"Mels, we all know that's what you want…"

Actually, yes, he did wish he was. Rolling to regard his BFFL with an infuriated glare, the blonde bitch hissed an order so menacing, it made the redhead shudder. "Get me out of here. NOW. Or I'll castrate you and rip Link to shreds SO TINY even a microscope can't see 'em."

Gulping, Matt quickly obliged.

Rubbing his wrist, Mello's glare intensified. "Where's that damn albino bitch?!"

"He locked us in."

Snarling, Mello twisted around and punched the wall. It didn't help, as you can imagine. A pain in his head, a pain in his hand, and a pain in his heart. Great combination.

"So, Mels… Wanna have some… _fun_? Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?"

Giving a groan, Mello buried himself under the bedding. He couldn't handle this right now.

*

Now that Mikami was dead and L had insisted that he had a headache, so go away Raito, I'm not in the mood, our cunning Kira was grimly approaching the home of the only other Death Note owner alive. Cackling, Ryuk hung behind him. It made Raito slightly nervous, the way Ryuk always lurked directly behind him, but then he realised Ryuk was an idiot. Idiots never beat geniuses.

Misa was applying her make-up for bed when he arrived. Gasping at the sight of her beloved, she gave a squee before clinging to him. Fighting back a face of disgust, he shoved his way inside.

"Misa. I have bad news."

Gasping overdramatically, tears burst to the bottle blonde's eyes. "WHAT HAPPENED, RAITO?! OH NO! SOMETHING BAD?!"

"…bad isn't good, right?"

"Bad is definitely not good, Misa…"

"Oh! That's not good!" the bleached blonde wailed.

It was like talking to the thickest brick wall in history. Controlling the urge to roll his eyes, Raito kept his expression serious and grim. So serious and grim in fact, it's a wonder someone didn't burst in and slash his cheeks in an attempt to put a smile on that face.

"I'm afraid Mikami is dead," Raito reported through tight lips. Tight to withhold the laughter.

"Is that all?" Misa wondered, tilting her head to the side.

"…you're not upset?"

Over enthusiastically, she shook her head. "I'm sure you had a very very good reason, Raito! Like making sure you could be alone with _me_."

Eye twitching, Raito started to back away. But then he remembered his purpose. "Misa, I need your Death Note. It is extremely lucky that I planted the thirteen day rule…"

"OMG THERE'S A THIRTEEN DAY RULE?!"

"…no Misa, it's a fake."

"Ohhhh." Spinning around, she skipped merrily away, before returning with her notebook. "See? It's a Death Note! You write names and they die! But, only if they know your face!"

"You mean only if you know _their_ face," Raito groaned.

"…ohhh!"

Snatching the notebook, Raito flicked through it. "I have a plan."

"Me too! Let's go on a date!"

"That's an idea, not a plan."

"…ohhh!"

That sound was getting incredibly annoying. Having anticipated Misa's stupidity, Raito took a note written on bright pink paper. He had had to replace every scrap of non-Death Note paper with pink, to assure that he didn't get them mixed up. "Read it, memorise it, and then destroy it."

"Okay!"

It irritated Raito, how she dressed so goth and was so chirpy… It didn't add up. He would have to make it even out.

"Go cut yourself or something…"

"Anything for you, Raito!" the brainless blonde chirped, pulling out a knife.

Blind devotion was a beautiful thing.

*

While Mello and Matt were locked together in the blonde's room, Near was out doing things that actually mattered. What he was doing was going over the rules of the Death Note. One stated that a user had to use it every thirteen days, or die. So what he needed to do was lock Raito up for thirteen days, and the Kira problem would be no more.

"That's unethical! What if he dies?!" Chief cried, tears and all.

"Ethics rarely solve problems, Chief Yagami."

"BUT IT'S UNETHICAL! MY SON IS NOT KIRA, YOU SHOULD TRUST THAT!"

"It is unethical to ignore the evidence we have received," Near shot back.

Chief groped his man-boobs in reply.

"How do we even know it works?" Mogi wondered, examining the notebook from narrowed eyes. "This could be some hoax."

"We don't for sure," Near replied, "however…" his eyes fell on Ryuk, who stuffed himself joyfully with apples.

"…good point."

Bursting into the building, Raito let out an almighty wail. "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! I think… I think I might be Kiiiraaaaaaa!"

Gasping, Chief pulled his son closer, patting his back. "There there, Raito… You didn't do anything bad… Come on, I'll take you out and buy you an ice cream, we'll forget this whole thing."

Eyes slightly narrowed, Near pressed a button. A siren sounded as steel doors descended over their wooden counterparts. Sending Kira a smirk, the albino cream puff approached. "What do you mean, you might be Kira?"

Sniffling, Raito wiped his nose. "I… I kinda agree with him, and… and… Please lock me up for thirteen days!"

Chief gasped, grasping at his chest. The male pronoun in this context refers to Raito.

"Sure."

"Well, if he agrees to it, it's fine," Aizawa shrugged.

"Yep."

"THIS IS SO EXCITING!" Matsuda shrieked, before pausing. "Why are my pants so wet?"

As usual, Matsuda was ignored.

"So, I just sit in a cell, right?" Raito questioned, tears forgotten.

"No. You will be chained to and observed by someone constantly," Near replied, being on the same kinky wavelength as L.

Raito's jaw dropped, but his protest died in the name of justice. "Who? Not you?!"

Of course, Near shook his head. "The person to whom you will be chained... will be Mello."

Trembles broke out across Raito's body as he threw his head back and screamed in such terror it broke every window in Tokyo.


	17. Fly With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently this has self-harm??? i haven't noticed where it started cos i'm skimming this very very vaguely!! so, cw for that.

With a snap, the shackles were clamped, simultaneously imprisoning Kira and his hunter. Gnawing through the chocolate, Mello glared furiously at the mass murderer. It was quite a horrible thing to be awoken to. When Near shook him awake, Mello had, of course, pinned the albino creampuff to the bed.

"Mello, it is required that you are chained to Kira," Near tonelessly informed him.

That led to a massive fit, which Near ended with a slab of chocolate. Taking his cue, Matt scooped the blondie up and dumped him out by Kira's side while the Chief sceptically scanned the bondage gear provided by L.

"How long will this last?" Raito demanded.

"Thirteen days," Near replied, "until you're dead, and this case is solved."

A thought occurred to Mello. Clenching his fists, he crunched through the last of the chocolate.

"You manipulative little _bitch_ , Near!" he snarled, unclenching then reclenching his fists around the collar of the boy's shirt. "I know why you're _really_ doing this!"

"…why?"

"Because you don't want me to top you, that's why!"

Glancing from Mello to Near, Raito tugged the chain closer to himself, and wrapped it around his own neck. "He'll kill me, he'll kill me!"

"QUIT IT, KIRA! THAT HURTS!"

"Raito, please, son! Calm down!"

"LET ME DO IT!" Mello started to shout, tugging on the chain. "LEMME KILL YOU!"

"Take that chain off, Near! Let my son breathe!" Chief cried hysterically. "Someone calm Mello down, please!"

Amused, the rest of the investigation team simply watched, biting their lips. Sure, they knew they should have intervened, but they found it far too funny.

*

Misa's arm really hurt now from the cuts, and her colleagues were starting to think she was suicidal, but for Raito, she would do anything!

"Misa, you should get help," Nijiko kindly, wrapping an arm around the starlet's thin shoulders. "It's not healthy… You can't keep pushing yourself like this."

"But, but, Raito told me to do it!" dear Misa did chirp, lips forming a pout. She pulled away. "I'll do anything for him, ANYTHING! You don't understand!" Giving a choke of a sob, Misa skipped unmerrily on her way to find her darling Raito.

"I wish you'd do anything for me," the other girl sighed wistfully, mind filled with leather and chains. Just like the ones Misa was going to find at Raito's university. "Misa-chan… Please be okay!"

Of course Misa believed that she would always be fine, since she was the Second Kira and future queen of the new world. The queen to Raito's king… And then they'd have children. Twins, a boy and a girl, who wore adorable matching outfits, complete with lace, frills, and ribbons. Both would be extremely intelligent and beautiful, winning hearts wherever they went. They'd work together to cure all world diseases and star in an array of Oscar-winning Hollywood movies between modelling sessions. Sighing dreamily, Misa slowed to a peaceful half-skip as she approached the university.

"GET YOUR FILTHY KIRA HANDS OFF MY CHOCOLATE!"

"OHMIGAWDWOULDYOUQUITYELLINGATMEYOUDESTRUCTIVEGERMANWHORE?! IHATEYOUYOUDON'TEVENUNDERSTANDHOWHARDITISFORMEWHENYOU'REALWAYSACCUSINGMEI'MNOTKIRAGODIE!"

Gasping in horror, Misa dashed closer. Her eyes fell on a horrifying sight; Raito standing opposed to a much smaller blonde whose hair was absolutely gorgeous. Both had a hand curled tightly around a bar of chocolate, glaring into each other's eyes.

It was the definition of 'love-hate'.

"How could he do that to me, Rem?!" Misa shrieked, eyes brimming with tears.

"I don't know, I don't care…"

Tossing her hair back, Misa catwalked over. You see, models have a tendency to catwalk when enraged or bitchy, and Misa was both. "Raito!"

Freezing, Kira's eyes widened slightly. "Misa…"

"Misa?" the blonde bitch asked, taking the moment to snatched the chocolate away.

"I'm his _girlfriend_ ," Misa spat, throwing herself at him. "So keep your whore hands off him before I kill you!"

Staring blankly, the foreigner pulled a gun from leather pants.

Shrieking, Misa hid behind her beloved boyfriend. "Misa-Misa is scared, Raito! Save me!"

"This is Mello, Misa," Raito announced boredly. If one killed the other, it would be a great relief for him.

"Whyyyy is Raito chained to Mello?" Misa wailed, filled with a never ending supply of distress.

"Cos he's Kira," Mello scoffed, shoving his gun away. "Gotta keep an eye on the bitch."

"…HE WANTS TO RAPE YOU, RAITO!"

Rolling his eyes, Mello glared across the chain at the brunette. "You sure know how to pick them."

Giving a weak nod over Misa's yelling, Raito wondered what L was doing.

*

Currently, L was building a pastry palace. Using long skewers, he'd started using a pattern of cream bun, éclair, muffin, but became bored with this and started just grabbing a pastry from the massive store of them and shoving it on the stick. He wanted to get to the end result sooner rather than later. After having lined all the skewers with pastries, L was making them stand. It wasn't a brilliant looking palace, rather like a castaway's hut covered with pastries. But it was delicious, and that's what counts in L's world.

It would be a good place to hide, L noted. It would be hard to run out of food when the walls were food. Not to mention the sight of it would stun the sweaty chief the second he entered the room to complain about the treatment of his son.

Honestly, L didn't understand the problem. Raito didn't really have a problem with chains, so his father had no place complaining on his son's behalf.

Unless, that is, Chief Yagami was jealous.

"Ryuzaki…"

Speak of the devil and he shall hesitantly slink in, sweating profoundly. Biting an éclair off to make a space, the brilliant detective glanced through the hole in his impenetrable fort. "What is it, Mr. Yagami?"

"I have to protest the treatment of my son," Chief started as he crouched to meet L's eyes. "It's wrong to chain him to such a dangerous… _person_."

It didn't take the world's greatest detective to figure that 'person' wasn't the word Chief had wanted to use. It amused L so much he ate a muffin.

"You care for Raito too, Ryuzaki… I've accepted your relationship, and I would be much more comfortable if _you_ were chained to my son, if anyone has to be."

If L had eyebrows, he would have raised them. "Mr. Yagami, I am not sure if a good parent would encourage bondage."

"N-now, hold on Ryuzaki - !"

"Kindly leave my company."

Stuttering, the detective moon-walked out of the room.

*

"Is anyone watching?" Mello whispered, sinking to sit against the closet wall.

"No one," Raito replied, ear pressed against the door. "Just that poster of Matt's." With a smirk, he turned to the blonde. "No one'll hear us."

Hesitating, Mello considered how things had changed so quickly over the last ten days. Sitting here in the closet with Raito, barely concerned about the chains, confirmed how incredibly far their relationship had gone.

"So."

"So."

Shuffling closer, Raito gave a growl of frustration. "God. Oh my God. I just can't believe L made that fort of _cakes_ and ate them _all_! How is he not a fucking fat ass?!"

"Maybe 'cos he doesn't sit on his fat ass writing names in a notebook all day. Fatty."

"Uhrgh, bitch!"

There had been a lot of fighting at first, but over the days, it died down. They simply needed to get along to survive, so they found mutual ground. Gossip. However, Mello found it threatening to his already questionable masculinity, and insisted that they gossip in hiding. But once they started, there was nothing which could end the bitching fest.

How incredibly fun and pleasant it was.

"Ohmigod, I can't even believe Matt would have a fetish for that damn poster!" Mello groaned, glaring at the glossy paper above his chain-buddy's head.

"And I can't even believe you have a fetish for that pyjama freak!"

Most of their gossip was bitching at each other. But deep down, Mello realised that he was beginning to form a twisted bond with the mass murdering freak. Three days were left until Raito either died or was assumed innocent until the thirteen day rule was proven wrong.

*

Having memorised Raito's note, Misa was a very good girl and folded the square of fluorescent pink paper into a paper crane. On one wing was written 'RAITO' in spirally letters surrounded by hearts. On the other was her own name written in a punk manner on a skull.

"It's _sooo_ pretty!" Misa giggled, holding it by the tail and running it through the air with aeroplane noises spurting from her lips.

Then she remembered that she was supposed to be trying to remember how to spell Mihael Keehl. Mihayle Keel? Mehail Kill.

"Something like that," she chirped, pulling her Death Note open. Pulling a rainbow _My Little Pony_ pen from her _Hello Kitty_ pencil case, she turned on the television and started killing criminals such as Carson Kressley.

"Oh, wait!" the bottle-blonde cried, throwing pen and crane across the room. Scooping her Death Note up, she snapped it closed before tossing it into a bulky briefcase.

"Misa, what are you doing?" Rem questioned rather dully. The skeletal shinigami had all but given up hope on the bright-eyed naïve girl. At least she's pretty.

"I have to take Raito the Death Note!" she exclaimed, before breaking off into a gleeful dance. "I get to see _Raaaaaitooooo_! Yay! I love Raito!"

"I know."

Humming merrily, Misa skipped to the door, pulling it shut behind. Then she screamed and ran back inside, having forgotten the briefcase. Apart from that minor slip-up, it was all going just as Raito planned.


	18. Mad World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this one has rape & suicide jokes smh
> 
> i wasn't a very ok or intelligent teenager

Twelve days had passed. It was fast approaching midnight. Watching the digital clock count down, Mello had to wonder whether Raito would die at 12:00:00, in forty seconds, or at 12:00:40. No doubt it would be incredibly unpleasant, being chained to a corpse. Was the rumour that the dead promptly shit themselves true? Either way, Mello was going to find out by the end of today.

He'd also be with Near again.

Not that that was the most appealing thing. No doubt Near would shun Mello until the 'Kira germs' faded. Or perhaps he would decide the blonde was now useless, having done his part to catch Kira. Then he'd dismiss Mello, and go back to his puzzle. The idea alone was so incredibly cold it made Mello shiver. But it wasn't impossible. The opposite; it was extremely likely. Near was just that kind of evil, manipulative jerk. Everyone and thing was a tool, and once it stopped being useful…

12:05:43.

Looked like Raito wasn't going to die until that night. Mello wasn't sure whether to growl in frustration or sigh in relief. So he decided to kick Raito before rolling over to sleep.

"HEY YOU BITCH I WAS SLEEPING!"

Mello faked a snore.

"…fat bitch."

Twitching, he granted Raito another kick. This time, however, his target was between the legs. Victory was achieved when Kira started to gag and wheeze, before crying in agony. Sweet sounds which made a wonderful lullaby.

Mello was asleep within half a minute. Raito's masculinity was too wounded to allow for any attempts at fighting back.

*

It was an awful day for Raito. No one would talk to him, or look him in the eye. The exception to this was Mello, who kept sending him sneers. A couple of times, however, he swore he saw the blonde's smirk turn down into something sad. What made him angriest was his father's refusal to be in the same room as him. It highly offended Raito, that his father thought he was a mass murderer. Even if he was, it would have been much nicer if his father clung to the faith in his son without fail.

What was worst was Misa's failure to turn up. Misa in general was a failure; no where near as intelligent as Mikami, or as sexy. Plus she was blonde, which reminded Raito of the bitchy German to whom he was chained. Raito had already been sick of blondes _before_ the Kira case. They'd caused a lot of trouble as a race in the 40's, and all the blondes he'd seen had extremely clean hair. Of course, if they didn't, their hair wouldn't be blonde any more. So they had to pay special attention to their hair whilst maintaining a masculine excuse beyond _interest_. Now that his plans were constantly being foiled by dumb blondes – which was a bit of a redundant statement when he thought about it – and Kira was sick of it. After the thirteen day passed, the only way he could possibly be caught would be if any of the detectives made the eye deal.

Ryuk was such a blabbermouth. It was well beyond annoying. Raito worked so hard at being Kira and covering up his tracks, and then Ryuk had to go and babble on about anything for apples. It made Raito wish that there was a way to kill a shinigami.

 _Dear LiveJournal,_ Raito started to type with a heavy sigh. _I feel like life isn't worth living any more. It's been so long since I updated and I just keep_

"Faggot," Mello snickered.

 _I just keep wishing this bitch who's keeping me chained to him as his sex slave would quit lusting after me._ Raito continued with a long suffering sigh.

"…you fucking _sicko_!"

_I know I'm pretty hot, okay incredibly hot since we're being honest here, but this pervert has a boyfriend and all! Or more like this little boy he keeps locked in his bedroom and rapes. Seriously. I just can't stop crying…_

Mello was too busy twitching to even attack. Just as planned.

_My father doesn't do anything to help. He totally signed me up for this horrible torture and he just doesn't care!_

"Hey Mels," the freaky redhead said as he sat beside the blonde bitch. "I didn't know Kira had a LJ."

"Is it really a surprise?" Mello muttered.

"Nah, he'd be fully into the whole emo BDSM cult. Look at how much he loves being chained to you."

Raito snarled.

"Yeah, creeping me out Matt."

"Always a pleasure, Mel-Mel," the redhead beamed, rolling an unlit cigarette between his lips. It was lucky he hadn't set it alight. Not only because of the underage thing (something told him L wouldn't care about that), but because the smoke would ruin Mello's hair.

"What do you want?" Raito spat.

Wiping his goggles with his sleeve, Matt paused to consider that. Knowing perfectly well what was going through the redhead's mind, Mello rolled his eyes. "You shouldn't give him openings like that."

"I like openings, Mels," Matt replied brightly. Something about the grin reminded Mello of Michael Jackson. "Especially round ones. Y'know. Holes."

"You two are the sickest, most twisted kids I've ever had the extreme displeasure of encountering," Raito groaned, burying his face in his hands.

"Is Neary the creepiest, then? I know he creeps me out. Damn sheep."

"Don't you _dare_ call him a sheep," snarled Mello before punching Matt.

"But he's creepy, you can't deny – "

"Just shut the fuck up, before I make you. I'll rip your spine out and beat your head off with it."

It would almost have been sweet if Mello didn't mean every homicidal word.

"Oh yeaaaah." Matt tapped Raito on the head. Snarling, the soon-to-be god glared. It was like an angry kitten's. "Came over to tell ya. Misa got run over."

There was a pause.

Mello was considering what a positive turn of events this was. Misa's death tied in with the thirteen day rule, and it meant one less Kira. Though, even if it somehow turned out that Misa wasn't a Kira at all, it was one less idiot in the world.

On the other side of the chain, Raito's jaw had dropped. This put his plan in jeopardy. It was not just as planned, which was a disaster. It was a failure. It was another point to Mello and Near. On an emotional level, he was somewhat upset, but not very. Misa had been irreplaceable in terms of being Kira's first hardcore fangirl.

Matt, meanwhile, had his eyes firmly set on a spot on the floor. Unblinkingly, he wondered how long that slice of pepperoni pizza had been there, and whether or not it was edible.

"Is she dead?" Raito demanded as the redhead bent down, peeling the pizza from the floor. Giving it a tentative sniff, he pulled a ball of lint from the cold cheese, before taking a bite.

"Urgh…"

What made the situation more annoying was how Mello and Raito had groaned at the same time.

"Nah," Matt replied through a mouthful. Raito gagged. "She's cool. Still hot. Bruised, though. With a broken leg 'n' all."

"What happened…?"

*

On her merry way to her darling Raito's side, Misa paused at the lights. Like a good girl, she leant forward and glanced right. A colourful line of cars, frozen beneath the overhead streetlight. Giggling cheerfully, she glanced left. A gasp shook her gothic body as she stepped onto the road. That car! It was a bright cheerful yellow, and it was _grinning_ at her! Squeaking in excitement, Misa dashed forward, wondering whether the car would be her friend.

*

"…a Pikachu car?" Mello repeated, somewhere between amusement and horror. "She was run over by a… Pikachu car?"

"Yup," Matt confirmed, before remembering his DS and pulling it out.

Suddenly, from the window, a swarm of laughing seagulls smashed into the room. There was glass and birds everywhere, and the uncomfortably forced laughter was maddening.

“HA! HAW HAW HAW…. HAHAHAHA!” the seagulls laughed as one.

Shrieking in terror, Raito ran towards the door, alternating between calling for his father and L. With a yelp, he was drawn back to Mello. Scowling, he began to fumble for a tool while the blonde was distracted. Unnerved and completely absorbed by the sight, Mello simply backed away.

The seagulls swooped, grabbing at Matt’s DS.

"Mels, help! It’s ReJecht! He's in seagull form! HE’S TRYING TO STEAL MY DS!" Matt cried, eyes pleading from behind the goggles.

"Yeah, I'd noticed," Mello coolly replied. He could help Matt, which would of course be easy. After all, there was a gun in Mello's pants. But at the same time, this was absolutely fascinating. Sentient seagulls. Attacking Matt. For a DS. After surviving smashing reinforced glass.

Then the seagulls turned _deadly_. Their beaks were sharp, they kept diving, and what the actual fuck was anything.

Watari came in with a broom and started shooing the birds. Then they were gone.

"…what the fuck," Mello and Matt breathed, glad to be alive.

"Mello," a familiar voice called. Quickly, the blonde turned to face his idol. Standing there casually observing the situation, he scratched his leg with one of his freaky feet. "Where is your criminal?"

Glancing to his left, Mello found the chain in a limp pile on the floor, still attached to his wrist. Inches from the other cuff lay a hairpin.

*

Raito once again thanked the gods of luck for being on his side. That bizarre distraction had been exactly what he needed. Now, having broken free, he would go visit Misa in hospital and receive from her the Death Note.

Just as planned.

…only not exactly just as planned. But close enough. Just as planned sounded better than almost exactly as planned. Success makes everything sexier.

"RAITO!" Misa cried as he entered the room, trying to glomp him. Being restricted to the bed with a broken leg meant she didn't get very far. "I knew you'd come and see me, Misa-Misa's so hap – "

"Where's the Death Note?"

Misa's grin slid from her face for a second, before reforming. "It's in my bag!" she pointed to an awkward brown suitcase sitting upon a chair. It was almost larger than she was.

"Good," Raito crooned, crossing the room in a stride. He flicked the bag open, extracting the Death Note. Holding it in his hands reminded him of his plan, which couldn't fail. He started to chuckle. Quickly, it became loud, maniacal laughter, which everyone knows is the true sign of a genius.

"Misa-Misa made friends with Pikachu!" Misa cried.

It ruined the entire mood of the room.

*

Near wasn't impressed. It was obvious from the fact that he made a facial expression.

"Mello," he almost growled. Matt was wrong about those sheep jokes. Near was a starving wolf. "I thought you realised that with great bondage comes great responsibility."

"Well, fucking hell Near, it's not like you were any help!"

"I was doing more important things."

"Building a Lego Great Wall isn't important!"

Apparently that wasn't worth dignifying with a response. Growling, Mello aimed a kick at the cursed wall. Grey Legos were sent flying. Lifting his gaze, Near fixed Mello with a cold stare, leaving him wondering how he could ever feel anything but loathing for this freak. "It was your stupid mistake, not mine."

"The fuck is your _problem_?!" Mello snarled. It took all of his self control not to beat the shit out of Near. "You're all: 'Hey, let's work together!' then suddenly your damn _Lego_ is more important! This is about messing with my fucking _head_ , isn't it?! This whole time! You fucking sick twisted – "

Near interrupted him with a yawn.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

"Could you please do it a bit quieter?"

Eye spasming with rage and fists clenching, Mello drew in a deep breath before counting to ten. It didn't work, so he tried counting to zehn, before moving on to dix and ju. Still he didn't calm. Which Mello took to mean not only was his rush of rage and betrayal justified, it was to be acted upon.

"Fine," he managed to force though his grinding teeth. "Try solving this without me. You're on your own, you fucking bastard." Tossing his hair, Mello turned and walked away, being sure to destroy as much Lego as possible on the way.

As the door slammed, Near sighed. "I hope you know what you're doing, L…"

L always knows what he's doing, though, so Near set to work on repairing the Great Wall of Lego.

*

"That fucking bastard," Mello snarled for the fifth time since they had entered the elevator. He hadn't pressed the button yet, or hissed at Matt to do it for him. Figuring that it was probably an expected service, and being bored of listen to the same three words over and over, Matt hit the 'G' button.

"Did you get the chocolate?" Mello inquired grumpily.

"Yep," Matt replied, nudging a backpack with his foot. "'S in there. Where're we going? Running away for the weekend again?"

" _Forever_ , Matt. We're running away forever."

So for the weekend, then.

"That fucking _bastard_ …"

Rolling his eyes, Matt lifted his gaze from _Zelda_ to scan Mello's sulky features. His eyes were glistening too much for it to be simple rage. Glancing back down to the bag, the redhead toyed with the idea of offering chocolate, before being distracted by what was clamped around Mello's wrist. "…you know you're still wearing that handcuff bondage thingy, right?"

Eyes wide, Mello glanced down, before howling in frustration. Undisturbed, Matt went back to his game, giving the temperamental blonde the elevator trip to fit. As they stepped out, he asked; "So, where're we going?"

"To catch Kira!"

"How refreshing," Matt muttered dryly, before speaking up with; "What about your bum-chum? Not gonna do it together, then catch Kira together, then have a victory wedding?"

Mello sent Matt a disturbed look. "What kind of sick freak would even consider that possible?"

"You'd be surprised. Seriously. If it exists, there's porn of it."

"And you have it all."

"Suuuure do. And I have to say, Mels, that those were some fine shots of you with Kira."

Mello couldn't respond beyond gagging. Matt considered his work to be done, and rewarded himself by once again focusing on the game as they walked. He trusted Mello to steer him. After all, Mello was a control freak.

"How're we gonna catch him?" Matt asked, though he couldn't find himself very interested. The Kira Case had gotten boring very quickly.

"…shut up, Matt."

Apparently Mello hadn't thought about anything beyond the rubbing the capture in Near's face. Again.

"You could, I dunno… Pretend to be Misa?"

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!"

Patiently, Matt raised a hand in a symbol of 'chill out, dude'. "Nah, I mean, I don't think he notices her. Beyond she's blonde and goth."

Mello's glare lowered from the setting 'kill' to 'maim'.

"So, if you slap on some goth shit and put your hair up… Maybe you can get him to talk?"

Giving a thoughtful noise, Mello glanced towards the sky. "That's not a bad idea… For once."

Snorting, Matt switch _Zelda_ for _The Little Mermaid_ game.

*

Arriving home, Raito felt powerful. He didn't walk; he strutted in a manner which would put a peacock to shame. In fact, the peacock would develop inferiority issues, such was Raito's awesome arrogance.

"Hello Mother, sister," he condescendingly called, before marching his booty up the stairs.

Baffled, Sachiko and Sayu exchanged looks. "Did he have a book down his pants?" they asked at the same time, with the same confusion.

Ryuk laughed, before following Raito. "Na, Raito, good move!"

"It was a brilliant move," Kira agreed, chuckling over a celebratory bag of potato chips. "I discarded the Death Note, but as you told me, as long as a user touches the Death Note they will retain their memories. This way, even if Mello or Near trade eyes, I will appear innocent."

"…I know, I… I helped you with the plan… I know."

Ignoring the shinigami's disinterest, Raito cackled and choked on a chip. It didn't change the smug consuming the Yagami household. "No one will ever know… And I will be GOD OF THE NEW WORLD!"

"Knock-knock!"

Misa burst into the room, posing dramatically in her depressing attire with a sunny smile. Coughing, Raito shoved the chips into a drawer. Misa wasn't allowed to touch them.

"Hiya, Raito!" she cooed, swinging her hips girlishly as she approached. "Misa-Misa missed you _sooo_ much, Misa-Misa was healed by Misa-Misa's incredible love for you!"

"That's… great…"

Not just as planned.

Smiling, Misa started to curl her hair. "So, what's the latest plan, Misa-Misa's darling?"

Ryuk was cackling inexplicably again. Sending him a glare, Raito stood and walked to his bookcase. He had counted on Misa being in hospital for a few more weeks… But it was no matter. He was the future god, Kira almighty, and he could handle anything. Even if they turned his legacy into a comedy staring Jim Carrey.

With a gasp, Misa tackled him onto the bed. Face buried in his chest, her hands started to wander lower and lower…

"MISA!"

"Shush, silly, Misa-Misa is your girlfriend," she commanded. "There's something strange about your… thingy. Misa-Misa wants to know!"

"MISA, dammit, I – " Raito paused. Since when did Misa take such a tone with him? She never commanded him. He commanded her, and she eagerly obeyed. "Misa. Look at me."

Pulling the Death Note from his pants, blue eyes met brown. Raito swore.

"Gotcha," Mello smirked.

Ryuk was rolling on the floor laughing.


	19. G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would it rly be a yaoi fic if it didn't have rape jokes?? i mean, look at what yaoi is,
> 
> yeah what the fuck past self

Mello had learned a trick or two from Near. Mostly, the ability to swiftly and accurately slap handcuffs on. Raito discovered this with a yelp of pain, before being dragged by the chain connecting the two cuffs out of his bedroom.

This time, it was Mello's smug filling the Yagami household as he held the notebook in one hand and his criminal in the other. Feeling the need to bring him down at least a fraction, Raito hissed; "That was in my pants, you know."

Yelping, Mello dropped it, before recalling that he was wearing gloves. Fingerless, maybe, but they were still gloves. Glaring, he recovered the notebook and continued to drag Raito out the door.

"Nothing to see here," he barked at the mother and sister, before pausing to regard Sayu. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

"U-um, y-yes, Misa-Misa," she stuttered, face flaming red. "B-but, I'd be willing to join in…"

"SAYU!"

Moment of guilt passed, Mello continued with his dragging. He couldn't wait to see the look on Near's face. He was so eager he didn't even notice Raito's eerie silence, or the smug smile which refused to fade.

Kira had another trick up his sleeve. This one involved Mello's idol, who liked Raito. More specifically, Raito's ass, but Japan's number-one egoist liked to believe that everyone loved him for his wonderful mass murdering self.

It made him wish he'd grabbed the bag of potato chips on the way out. After all, victory tasted like potato chips.

"Hey Mels, hey Kira," Matt greeted without unpeeling his eyes from the DS screen. "Fuckin' sharks…"

Scowling, Mello smacked him around the head with the Death Note. " _Hello_ , I just caught _Kira_ , can I get some _praise_?!"

"Good boy, have a doggie treat."

"FUCK YOU MATT!"

"Not in front of Kira, Mels. Save it for the bedroom."

Seeing Mello stutter nonsensically made Raito sneer. He wanted to comment on how _Mello_ was the bitch and thus the dog, but he refused to say anything until they were standing before L.

 _Queen of the New World?_ Raito pondered. It wasn't a bad thought.

The theatrics of capturing Kira was ruined by having to use the subway. Mello was probably used to ignoring strange looks, but Raito was a respectable student and future GOD OF THE NEW WORLD. Being held by a leather-clad teenage bondage slave disguised as a gothic pop princess and his game-obsessed minion was attracting blatant stares from everyone on the train.

"…Mummy, what's wrong with those boys?"

"They're gay, honey."

"Oh…"

Everything felt surreal. Mello was dressed up like Misa, holding the Death Note in a vice-grip, Matt had a hand holding Raito's upper arm to the point of bruising, and he was chained up. They had evidence that he was Kira, and Ryuk wouldn't stop cackling. Now there were children and their mothers making assumptions about the actions he and his capturers took. Were children even supposed to know about sex? That boy looked about six.

Raito sulked the entire train trip. At least he was certain that L would bail him out.

*

As he booted the door open, Mello felt powerful. More powerful than anything alive. Holding his head and Raito's Death Note high, he was an investigating god.

"MISA-MISA CAME TO VISIT US oh shit it's just Mello." Pausing, the childish police officer, gave a sheepish grin. "You look pretty as a girl, Mello-Mello."

For a moment, Mello had been an investigating god. Then, with those words, Matsuda ruined it.

"Mello!" Chief Yagami cried, wiping the sweat from his brow. "What is the meaning of this cross-dressing travesty?!"

Gritting his teeth, Mello pulled Raito away from Matt and into the room.

"Raito," the chief swallowed heavily, hands nervously twitching around each other. "Please tell me that you are not… _involved_ with this – "

"HE'S FUCKING KIRA, YOU DUMBASS!"

"CHIEF ISN'T DUMB HE HAS SPINACH POWERS!"

Gasping, Chief Yagami cried an alarmed; "My son is having sex with Kira?!"

Even Matsuda face-palmed at that.

"No, Dad!" Raito cried, "Mello's just pinning involvement with Kira on me, he's pretending that notebook – "

"This is a Death Note," Mello announced, giving Kira a sharp kick to the groin. "I found it – "

Hair twirling in hypnotic spirals, Near padded into the room. Sending Mello an inquisitive look, he settled down on the floor and started to play with blocks. Fighting back a snarl, the blonde decided to rephrase his sentence.

"I pulled it from Raito's pants."

Atoms could be heard shifting.

"…M-Mello… y-you…"

"Yeah, I caught Kira." The attempt at casual failed; Mello reeked of smug, and he knew it. But it was damn well justified. He'd just caught Kira.

"YOU MOLESTED MY SON!" Chief shrieked, before breaking down sobbing. "My s-son… My boy… I-I feel s-so violated…"

Spotting an opportunity, Raito nodded, collapsing into a twitching pile of crocodile tears by his father's side, howling about how awful that moment was. "H-his hand was s-so cold… C-cold as his heart, his dark, dark heart!"

Twitching, Mello almost threw the Death Note at them. "Matt has it on video, you fucking _fuckwits_!"

"HE TAPED IT AND SAID HE'D TURN IT INTO PORN IF I SAID ANYTHIIIIIIIIING!"

"A plan worthy of a moron," Near murmured.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU – "

"Guys," Matsuda piped up. His voice was filled with all the seriousness of manhood, causing every person within a hundred mile radius to freeze. Those who wouldn't hear him wondered what was wrong with themselves. "I just realised something."

"What is it, Matsuda?" Aizawa asked, hoping for some legitimate policing for once instead of cross-dressing Germans, bawling chiefs, and little kids in pyjamas playing with toys while ranting about the sins of humanity. That L wasn't much better, with his cake palaces…

Aizawa was ready to retire.

"It's been minutes," Matsuda noted darkly, "minutes since this scene started, and I haven't wet myself."

"…bravo," Aizawa groaned. Before he retired, he was giving Matsuda adult nappies and coupons for therapy.

"The fuck is he on about?"

"Matsuda's under the impression that we're all fictional characters in a story," Chief replied disapprovingly. At least he wasn't crying any more. "Currently, he believes it is being twisted by some Australian girl in her spare time."

"These kids need more homework!" Matsuda cried.

"Shut up Matsuda!"

"Yessir…"

Raito was crawling closer and closer to Mello, reaching to snatch the Death Note. Hissing, the blonde kicked him away. With a yelp for his Daddy, Raito has clearly given up on dignity. All he wanted was freedom.

"Where's L?!" he cried, glancing around wildly. "L needs to confirm this! Mello's insane! I don't even _know_ Kira!"

"…son, everyone knows Kira."

Swallowing heavily, Raito grumbled; "L still needs to be here."

"Mello," Near started. Eyes narrowed, Mello glanced in the completely opposite direction just to prove his defiance. "I wish to see the Death Note."

"Then maybe _you_ should've caught Kira."

Matt laughed. "Buuuurn, sheepy, burn! Make us some lamb!"

"Mello, I was – "

"I don't _care_ , Near, you weren't doing anything, I caught Kira, quit trying to ruin my victory you spiteful bitch!"

"WHERE'S L?!"

"Try curtain number one," Matt suggested, jerking a thumb towards the nearest thick velvet drape. From under the material, pale toes wiggled with abnormal dexterity.

"Come out of the curtain, L," Chief demanded. Behind him, Matsuda was break-dancing with surprising skill to celebrate his dry pants. "We need your guidance."

As the pale detective emerged, thumb curling his lip, Mello felt his smug drain. Just laying eyes on the world's greatest detective and recognising who and what he was reminded Mello that he was a young teenage orphan whose entire life had become unnecessarily complicated thanks to one genius. Someone who would rather play with toys all day and ignore the issues of the world begging for his mind, the very same someone who could always get a wild reaction out of him, the person he simultaneously despised and adored most.

Sitting there, twirling his hair, eyes down on the floor.

Was Near pondering losing?

For once, as he surveyed the scene before his eyes, L didn't have Mello's full attention.

"Raito-kun is Kira, correct?" L questioned.

"Definitely."

Giving a thoughtful noise, L scanned the chained boy. Briefly, Mello wondered what was going through the detective's mind, before realising he'd much rather read Near's mind. He didn't want to be tossed aside like last year's toy, he knew he wouldn't be able to handle that, and if he could maybe pre-empt it with the contents of that demon's mind…

"Raito-kun is not Kira," L concluded, nibbling the chocolate off a strawberry. He seemed to believe that any strawberry which wasn't coated in chocolate had a genetic mutation. "I know this for Raito-kun is too yaoilicious."

Excited, the Chief started to sweat profoundly. Matsuda whispered to Matt to break out the DDR and Singstar games, as Chief enjoys performing song and dance routines when he's ecstatic.

His favourite song to perform was _'Toxic'_ by Britney Spears.

"L," Mello hissed, fists clenching. "I found the Death Note, filled with his handwriting, covered in potato chips which we _all_ know he likes _way_ too much. We even damn well recorded it. He's Kira. You know it, I know it, even strangers on the street know it!"

" _Suspecting_ and _knowing_ are very different things, Mello."

"I pulled the damn Death Note out of his goddamn pants, L! How much more do you _need_?!"

"May I say that Mello looks surprisingly beautiful in Ms. Amane's clothes?" He flashed a grin, thumb stroking his teeth.

Idol and all, Mello couldn't help but shudder. Having lost his train of rage, he had to wonder whether or not L had planned that outcome.

"Raito-kun is not Kira," L announced louder, eyes scanning the room. "He is too yaoilicious, as I said. Of this I am one hundred percent certain. Raito is very delicious yaoi."

Chief Yagami nodded proudly.

"However," the detective continued, "one cannot deny that his handwriting was in the Death Note, and the very same notebook in his possessions. As we have already concluded that Raito is far too yaoilicious to be Kira, there is one things this means…" Give him a pipe and call him Sherlock, he was pulling threads together from seemingly nowhere. And it was all complete bullshit. "This means that Raito was being controlled by another being."

Gasps rang out.

"…yeah, I was!" Raito cried.

"You did not know this, Raito-kun."

"You saying it triggered the memories."

"Oh, of course. How silly of me."

Body trembling, Mello hung his head. So much frustration and rage was flooding him, it didn't even know how to get out.

"Of course," L continued smoothly, toes reaching up to scratch his lower thighs, "I am perfectly aware of who this culprit who tried to violate such delicious yaoi is."

"FUCKING MELLO!"

"…no, Raito," L sighed with a shake of his head. "It was the one and only…"

Since when had L paused for dramatic effect?

"…Aizawa's afro."

Mello was so disgusted he screamed. Matsuda soon joined in, hiding behind the Chief and babbling about how much he enjoyed having dry pants and spinach balls.

L misinterpreted Mello's action as horror. "Indeed, Mello. Quite the nightmare."

"You've _got_ to be shitting me," Aizawa groaned.

"Take that man and shave his head immediately," L ordered, before settling down in a seat. "This case… is closed."

Matsuda clapped slowly. Chief soon joined in, followed by Raito, while Mogi was comforting Aizawa while simultaneously dragging him to the door.

"It's okay, you can't control your hair, I know I can't, and neither could Harry Potter, and he was magic."

To celebrate, Chief ripped off his suit to reveal a school girl's uniform and broke out into _'Hit Me Baby One More Time'_.

Growling, Mello snatched up the notebook and stormed up to the roof. As he stood under the stars, he considered using the notebook. Scrawling down the name of Kira, maybe even the name of L for getting so corrupted. Of course, Mello didn't know L's name. No one did. Still, knowing that the personification of justice had become this…

It was a stake through the heart.

Everything he had worked for his entire life was a sham. Now he had nothing left, and nothing to show for his work.

Anyone would believe what L said.

If L said a man's hair was Kira, a man's hair was Kira, and the real culprit got away.

And Mello was still worthless in Near's eyes.

Apparently, anyone who touched the notebook would die within forty seconds of it having been burned. Whether this was true or not, Mello didn't know. He didn't know if there really were any absolute truths in the world.

Even love wasn't real.

He was fifteen or sixteen years old, and he had absolutely no faith left in humanity. He didn't care if the world burned. The sheer weight of the indifference was killing him. Did Near ever feel like this? Like his nonchalance was the worst thing in the world?

Of course nonchalance was the worst thing. At least hate has some feeling.

With that in mind, Mello set the Death Note on fire, counting as the flames consumed the book.

He was mildly disappointed to realise the pain in his heart was nothing physical, even ten minutes later. Frustration returned. Even the murder weapons lied. Mello had had the chance to scribble 'Nate River' as revenge, and he burned it.

Yet another failure.

And the very first one he was proud of. That failure, having had the chance to kill and receive no blame, proved that even if Near was painfully indifferent, Mello wasn't. Quite the contrary. He was painfully in love with a complete freak with nothing but flaws.

Mello smiled up at the stars.

"You burned it?"

Scowl forming, Mello glared. "What do _you_ want." It wasn't a question because he really didn't want to know. He didn't want to hear that Near was bored, that he needed a new toy ( _Maybe even Matt_ ), and oh yeah what a failure you are, Mello. He already knew it, so he didn't need to hear it.

"Hm, we're not dead," Near noted.

"Brilliant, genius. You can fuck off now."

Near made no move to depart. Instead, he came closer, crouching beside Mello around the ashes of the second deadliest weapon ever created.

The deadliest was love.

"We didn't work together very well," Near informed him.

 _Except for that one night_ , Mello couldn't help but think. He refused to open his mouth in case those words slipped out.

"But, Mello, I know that if we truly did work together… Properly, not manipulatively, of course, we would surpass L. Our skills combined would be – "

"Quit the bullshit!" Mello spat. "I know you don't give a fuck about me, fine, _whatever_ , Near, you don't give a fuck about anything but being the _best_. And that makes you the worst!"

It was cheesy, but Mello had to have a dagger to wound with rather than none at all.

"If you say so."

"I _know_ so! You treat people like tools, and we're _not_ , you arrogant son of a – "

"I do mean it," Near muttered reluctantly. "I do love you."

Mouth opening and closing with shock, Mello couldn't help but melt. Not completely; frustration, and hurt still remained. But the fact that some of it melted was enough to tell him that it could work. _They_ could work. They could be partners in every sense of the word. Even if they had the power to hurt each other, they had the power to heal each other.

It irked him how easily Near got a reaction out of him. But at least they weren't always bad ones.

"C'mon," the blonde muttered, rising to his feet. His albino cream puff followed suit. "Gotta get back to Wammy's." Smirking, he dragged Near towards the door, fingers intertwining. "Plus, the sooner we get there, well… You owe me a go at being on top."

Faintly, Near smiled. It wasn't beautiful for Near's features; it was beautiful because Mello knew he had caused it.

He smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this was a thing


End file.
